What does Mona Lisa do when the Museum is closed?

Anyone who has ever been in a hospital or had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:



A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse" The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"



"Sarah Finkel, room 302."



"I'll connect you with the nursing station."



"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"



"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."



"Just a moment. Let me look at her records.



Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."



The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"



The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"



"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit."

Groaner

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they

got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.



One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the

groom broom.



The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The

groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The

wedding was lovely.



After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom

leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going

to have a little whisk broom!!!"



"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?


Brace yourself.

This is really going to hurt!


"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates built the US Railroads.




Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.


Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?



Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?



Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they
were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing..
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's rump came up with it, you may

be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army

chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story


When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to

fit
through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now

know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation

system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's rump.


..... and you thought being a HORSE'S RUMP wasn't important!

Ten Things To Ponder

Life is sexually transmitted.
>>Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
>>Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
>>Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
>>Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
>>Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
>>Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
>>Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
>>Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and People take Prozac to make it normal.
>>AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006: We know exactly where one cow with
Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in
America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal
immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department
of Agriculture in charge of immigration!

Two guys are chatting in a bar.
>
>
>
> One says "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a
>night?"
>
>
>
> "Damn." Says his friend. "I just joined Rotary."

Ever hear any of these before?

The School of Hard Knocks
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE."If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION."You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL."If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC." Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT."Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY."Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS."Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM."Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER."This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY."If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. (image placeholder)"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION."Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY."There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION."Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING."You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS."You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS."Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM."When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

To commemorate her 69th

To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at (image placeholder)Manhattan'sRadioCityMusic Hallforthe benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music".

However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the entertainment of her "blue hair" audience.

Here are the lyrics she recited:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,Bundles of magazines tied up in string,These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,When the bones creak,When the knees go bad,I simply remember my favorite things,And then I don't feel sooooo bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,These are a few of my favorite things.Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,When the hips break,When the eyes grow dim,Then I remember the great life I've had,And then I don't feel soooo bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.

Redneck Challenge

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?(A) '65 Ford Fairlane(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?!
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,how many dogs will be killed?
6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front? (image placeholder)
7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
8. With a gene pool reduction of of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if' ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya... There's a hole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE", here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece...Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.

Ever hear any of these before?
The School of Hard Knocks

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE."If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION."You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL."If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC." Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT."Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY."Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS."Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM."Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER."This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY."If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. (image placeholder)"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION."Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY."There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION."Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING."You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS."You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS."Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM."When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

This is even funnier

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Robby is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days! because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, "Is this a jellyfish bad day?"

This is great!


A quick history lesson - Railroads

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates built the US Railroads.




Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.


Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?



Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?



Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they
were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing..
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's rump came up with it, you may

be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army

chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story


When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to

fit
through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now

know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation

system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's rump.


..... and you thought being a HORSE'S RUMP wasn't important!

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly


JUST TOO CUTE.

This is the cleanest E-mail joke
I've come across in a long while!




A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

How many do you remember?
> "Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"
>
> "We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."
>
> "C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
>
> "It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
>
> By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
>
> Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
>
> My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.
>
> I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
>
> We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."
>
> I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
>
> Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
>
> All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
>
> Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
>
> If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.




Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?


MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3 Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5 Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17 Metal ice trays with lever
18 Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25 Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends....
=====
"Senility Prayer"...God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference."

Subject: new church member requirements....


A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them,

"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain
from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the
Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the
husband is obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon........Is . there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from
sex for the required m! onth," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain
through sheer willpower.

The second week was te rrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to
abstain.

However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer,
reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When
she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way
with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated
the pastor.

"We understand," said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome
at Home Depot, either!

SOUTHERN GRANDMA'S

Southern Grandma Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you.

"The lawyer was stunned!

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across theroom and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do.

I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.

He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.

Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women One of them was your wife.

Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."

BIRDS & THE BEES

The modern version of the birds & the bees…..

A little boy asks his father "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

"Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-café.

I upgraded my floppy to a stifffy and then your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive.

"As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've got male"

'Senior' personal ad....

(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4'
(used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga
and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our
hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated
flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my
Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a
groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my
eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can
remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many
new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition,
but walks well."

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in
taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated
12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is
paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six
(6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my
total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the
'Presidential Election Fund,' as noted on my return. You can do this
inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5' Phillips Head screw (see
aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how HUD pays
$22.00 each for 1.5' Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your
convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to
paying again next year.

Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer"

ARE YOU OVER THE HILL

Are you Over the Hill ? You may be headed that way if . . ..

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

At the breakfast table, you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

Your back goes out but you stay home.

You wake up looking like your driver's license photo.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

When happy hour is a nap.

When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.

When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

When you step off the curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

Subject: Miss Bea

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and
had never been
married. She was much admired for her sweetness and
kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in
the spring, and she
welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited
him to have a seat while she prepared some tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the
water floated, of all
things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise!
Imagine his curiosity!
Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to
chat. The pastor tried
to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but
soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no
longer.

Miss Bea," he asked, "I wonder if you would tell me
about this? "(pointing to the bowl).

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't
it wonderful? I was
walking downtown last
fall and I found this little
package on the ground.
The directions said to
put it on the organ,
keep it wet, and it would prevent
disease. And you know... I haven't had
a cold all winter."
SO .... for those of you who haven't had a flu shot......

The Rectum Stretcher

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, and asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."




Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00

tequila

Subject: FW: Public Service...new prescription to look into..

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you
sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.


Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.



Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila.... Leave Shyness Behind!!!!

Yoga practiced in India


and elsewhere in the world...

For all you parents out there!

(This includes all "wanna-be"and "could-have-been-but-chose-not-to-be parents".)

Repeat after me:

I will never complain about MY kids again .........
I will never complain about MY kids again .........
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ..........
I will never complain about MY kids again ........
I will never complain about MY kids agai! n .
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ........
I will never complain about MY kids again ..........
I will never complain about MY kids again ........
I will never complain about MY kids again
I will never complain about MY kids again ........
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ........
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ........
I will never complain about MY kids again .........
I will never complain about MY kids again ....
I will never complain about MY kids again
I will never complain about MY kids again ........
I will never complain about MY kids again
I will never complain about MY kids again ........
I wil! l never complain about MY kids again
I will never complain about M Y kids again .......
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ........
I will never complain about MY kids again
I will never complain about MY kids again .........
I will never complain about MY kids again .......
I will never complain about MY kids again ........
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ..........
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again
I will never complain about MY kids again ..........
I will never complain about MY kids again .........
I will never complain about MY kids again ......
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ..........
I will never complain about MY kids again ........
I will never complain about MY kids again ......
I will never complain about MY kids again
I will never comp! lain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again
I will never complain about MY kids again .........
I will never complain about MY kids again .......
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ........
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again .......
I will never complain about MY kids again .........
I will never complain about MY kids again
I will never complain about MY kids again ........
I will never complain about MY kids again ..........
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again:

How to treat a Woman:

Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.






How To Treat a Man:

Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found
it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every
buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She
said, "I'm Mother Nature. Do you know how long it took me to make those
buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for
your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of
your life!" Then POOF!.....she was gone !

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where
are you?"

Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussywillows."

Dave shouts back, "Don't swing, Fred! For the love of God, don't swing!

M&M announces Woman's Survival Kit







The Woman's Survival Kit

At the first sign of hot flashes eat the RED one.

Eat the ORANGE one to minimize depression.

The GREEN one calms your frustrations, when you want to be left a lone.

If you feel a headache coming on eat the PURPLE one.

The BLUE one reduces bloating.

You can eat the " BROWN" ones ANYTIME!!

If all symptoms occur at the same time,


Eat the WHOLE BAG!

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1970.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail ! that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who me?

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
oh no - not again! :((((
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

An old man loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

My biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked him...



Like his Mother used to do.

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
> the nurse starts with certain basic items.
>
>
>
> "How much do you weigh?" she asks.
> "115," she says.
> The nurse puts her on the scale.
> It turns out her weight is 140.
>
>
> The nurse asks, "Your height?"
> "5 foot 8," she says.
> The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
>
>
> She then takes her blood pressure
> and tells the woman it is very high.
>
> "Of course it's high!" she screams,
> "When I came in here I was tall and slender!
> Now I'm short and fat!"

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my

>doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I

>decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated,

>jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my

>leotards on, the class was over.

>

> --- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you

>think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply

>replied, "No peer pressure."

>

> --- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter

>eggs.

>

> --- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the

>very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she

>replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker

>commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

>

> --- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip

>replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half

>blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different

>medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have

>bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and

>feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lostal my friends.

>But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

>

> --- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I

>want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't

>you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it

>is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

>

> --- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher

>she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and

>second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the

>preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters

>visit me twice a week."

>

> ---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as

>sharp as it used to be.

>

> --- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

>

> ---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

>

> ---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my

>body are just prone to swinging.

>

> ---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your

>coffeemaker.

>

> ---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our

>boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

>

> ---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast

>relief."

>

> ---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but

>they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

>

> ---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner

>child playing with matches.

>

> ---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

>

> --- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow

>old because you stop laughing.

>

> - --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I

>never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the

>eyesight to tell the difference.

Example of Senior Dress Code violation...

If anyone knows this lady PLEASE
forward this to her...

The ULTIMATE in Women's Body Piercing ...

Men all over the country are urging their wives and sweethearts to get this 'chic' procedure. The going rate on the east coast now exceeds five digits $$$$$

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my lawn.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.(image placeholder)I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the lawn isn't watered,the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid,there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, (image placeholder)

there is still only one check in my check book,

I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses

I don't remember what I did with the car keys, and my neighbour called to tell me he turned off the hose that was flooding the driveway.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really (image placeholder)tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

It only rains twice in Oregon: October to May and June to September.
------------
What comes after two straight days of rain in Oregon? Monday morning.
------------
What do you call two weeks of rain in Oregon? Native American Summer.
------------
What does daylight savings time mean in Oregon? An extra hour of rain.
--------------
What's the definition of a Oregon optimist? A guy with a sun visor on his rain hat.
-------------
"I can't believe it," said the tourist. "I've been here an entire week and it's done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?" "Well, that's hard to say," replied the local. "Last year, it was on a Wednesday."
-------------
What do you call two straight days of rain in Oregon? A weekend. What do you call three straight days of rain in Oregon? A holiday weekend.
------------------.
A newcomer to Oregon arrives on a rainy day. He gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. He goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and asks out of despair, "Hey kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid replies, "How should I know? I'm only six."
-------------
How do meteorologists predict the weather in Oregon? If you can see Mt. Hood, it's going to rain. If you can't see Mt. Hood, it's raining.

Sent in by Arletta Lucht

Jesus' Dad's Name

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy,
don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way
home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for
several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated
each word, right up to the end of the prayer:

"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,"but deliver us from E-mail."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we
forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to
church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright
little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. ! Finally, his ! big sister had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?"
Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys
began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the
opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Sent by Arletta Lucht


Now it all makes sense.



On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
> or walks past I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
> >
> >On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh

I'll give you a twenty-year life span" The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
> >
> >On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
> the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said,

"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed again.
> >
On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years"
> Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."


> >So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves;

for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family;

for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren;

and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone
> >
> >Life has now been explained to you!

optical

PICTURES THAT PLAY WITH YOUR MIND

A Clean One

New pastor was visiting in the homes of his
parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that
someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a
card and wrote: 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it
and stuck it in the door. When the offering was
processed the following Sunday, he found that his card
had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic
message: 'Genesis 3:10.' Reaching for his Bible to
check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at
the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your
voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'"

Quickie Marketing Course

"Quickie Marketing Course

You're a lady and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, 'I'm fantastic in bed.'
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, 'She's fantastic in bed.'
That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call him and say, 'Hi, I'm fantastic in bed.'
That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, 'May I,' and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, 'By the way, I'm fantastic in bed.'
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, 'I hear you're fantastic in bed.'
That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's sales.

Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.So! you climb onto the roof of one situated near the center of the block and shout at the top of your lungs, 'I'm fantastic in bed!'
That's Junk Mail."

g

IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY....

YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING....... (not that you would...)

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM....

You open the door....

NOW, REMEMBER, THE FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED FLOOR!

KINDA TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY..... DOESN'T IT?

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.

Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed
mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young
wife had brought the exact same dress!
Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.

'Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll
get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to
return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.'

Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to
the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!'

NOW I ASK YA; IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY
THIS STORY?"

My wife and I were watching "WhoWants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No." She answered. I then said, "
Is that your final answer? "Yes." She replied. Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing I remember.

Men strike back

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth !

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching. So, she decided to place an ad in thenewspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay andthe other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and she decided to hire the gay guy. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then, one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two a.m., and still no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she whispered. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now, take off my boots. " He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now, take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatlyby her boots. "Now, take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now, take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told, and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

The Monk

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping
the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from
copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes
to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a
small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error
would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are
held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head
against the wall, and wailing, 'We forgot the 'R', we forgot the 'R'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably ...

The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was 'celebrate'"

"The Ole Cowpoke

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the
counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at
a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young
cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind
if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in
his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to
the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was
shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'
"

"THREE WOMEN

THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY - WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,'
SHE SAID ' I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.'

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO
HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE
A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'


THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED
SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A
PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, 'WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTIN' A FAX.'"

"Subject: ARIZONA HIGHWAY PATROL

An old farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer
uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing it, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, 'Havin' some problems with circle flies there, are ya?'
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well, yeah, if that's what they are...I never heard of circle flies.'
So the old farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms.See, they're called circle flies 'cause they're almost always found
circlin' around the back end of a horse.'
The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'
The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police
officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'
The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, 'Hard to fool them flies, though'. "

Getting older has its drawbacks, but I guess there aren't too many good alternatives to getting older. Whenever you see a gathering of seniors, it is an even bet they are talking about everything that is wrong with them.

You know, the usual, memory, urinary problems, knees, eyesight, etc., etc.

Well, I am a senior and I absolutely refuse to discuss these issues with everyone else. If I

have a problem, I find a solution. It is not always the solution that I like, but I handle it the best way I know and I don't discuss it with every person I see on the street that is past 62. No sir....
With this in mind, I bought myself a new scooter. I wanted something that was easy on gas

and could zip me to the store and about town. This seems to meet my EVERY need. I love it!

Why We Love Children

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move! ," answered the child innocently." You did
WHAT ?

"The teacher exclaimed in surprise." you know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty.

Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance.

Lights out.

"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY.

Can I have a drink of water?

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!

"Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad...."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked hi "How do you expect to get into Heaven?

"The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming ! the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"The mother smiled ! and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:"The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room. I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a! baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this this how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked."Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling! "The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken! '"The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown. "The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough. "The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonnag hair on your Twinkie."She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

No ship-breaking in Yaquina Bay

No ship-breaking in Yaquina Bay: "No ship-breaking in Yaquina Bay
An economy relying on environmental and scenic values is incompatible with the operation proposed at Newport
Thursday, January 12, 2006

Port of Newport commissioners did exactly the right thing last month when they heeded calls to slow down their push to help a Virginia company open a ship salvaging operation in Yaquina Bay.

Now, however, perhaps as soon as next week, the port's board will decide whether to proceed with the plan. The correct decision, based on what's been learned in recent weeks, is a resounding 'no.'

Somewhere in Oregon, there may be an app"

Hoods up, heads down for six more soaking days

Hoods up, heads down for six more soaking days: "Hoods up, heads down for six more soaking days
Deluge resumes - After Wednesday's respite, the sodden state can expect to splash into next week
Thursday, January 12, 2006
RICHARD L. HILL

Keep that dripping umbrella handy. Despite Wednesday's surprise patches of blue sky -- relief from the new year's incessant rainfall -- more is on its way today."

At pharmacy, it's Plan Deluge

At pharmacy, it's Plan Deluge: "At pharmacy, it's Plan Deluge
Medicare - Federal health software and changes are out of sync, leaving pharmacists and patrons confused, cranky
FACTBOX

• Getting help
Thursday, January 12, 2006
DON COLBURN

Gary Balo has been a pharmacist for 35 years, but he didn't feel like one Wednesday as he multitasked behind the counter of his Northeast Portland drugstore.

'Today, I'm a mediator,' he said. 'I'm a troubleshooter.'

Balo had just completed his eighth phone call of the day involving a bottle of pills for one customer. After two talks with the patient, two with her caseworker and four with her insurer, he finally was able to establish that the woman owed a $5 co-payment on her prescription for the antidepressant Wellbutrin.
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That's how Balo's workday has gone since Jan. 1, when Medicare launched the biggest expansion in its 40-year history and started covering prescription drugs for millions of older and disabled Americans."

Hmmmmmmmmm...................

A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon."

"Who?"

"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."

"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger.
"Not Sheldon.

He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. He was more handsome and sophisticated than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime.

He was something.

Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy. He had a memory like a computer; could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to neat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"Wow, incredible, no wonder you \nremember him!"

"Well, I never actually met Sheldon."

"Then how do you know so much about him?"

"After he died, I married his wife."

Lipstick in School -- Priceless!!

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors! , she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are EDUCATORS.