Getting Older

It's it true......where's that fountain of youth?

HOW TRUE IT IS another year has passed and we're all a little older. Last summer felt hotter and winter seems much colder. There was a time not long ago when life was quite a blast. Now I fully understand about "Living in the Past " We used to go to weddings, football games and lunches. Now we go to funeral homes, and after-funeral brunches. We used to have hangovers, from parties that were gay. Now we suffer body aches and while the night away. We used to go out dining, and couldn't get our fill. Now we ask for doggie bags, come home and take a pill. We used to often travel to places near and far. Now we get sore butts from riding in the car. We used to go to nightclubs and drink a little booze. Now we stay home at night and watch the evening news. That, my friend is how life is, and now my tale is told. So, enjoy each day and live it up...before you're too darned old!

card

Redneck Christmas Card

click here

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing
3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run
my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also
impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0,
Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the
only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
------------------------------------

Top 5 Smart ass answers for 2004:

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and
he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not
your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop
finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of
him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

AND NOW....FOR THE. #1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2004

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and
sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand."

The teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy.

"Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, my twelve brothers and sisters and I go to Midnight Mass and we sing hymns, and then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, my sister and I also go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home kinda late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas

hindu

FINALLY SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP . . .

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.

We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their
religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in
Washington.

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On
her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won
either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in
the United States.

"Lost City of Hamoukar" by Edward Willett

"Lost City of Hamoukar" by Edward Willett: "Lost City of Hamoukar
Copyright 2000 by Edward Willett

These days, when the world is covered by cities, we can be forgiven for thinking that there's nothing much special about them. You get a bunch of people together, you put them in houses, you add a few businesses, and presto! Instant city.

But in fact cities are a relatively recent invention. Modern humans have been around for hundreds of thousands of years, but the concept of the city has existed for less than 10,000."

thanks

Subject: My Christmas Letter




My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the
time and
trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for
making
me feel safe, secure, blessed,
and wealthy.

Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get
to the message.

Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in
the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel
every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of
your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who
make these products are atheists who won't put "Under God" on their
cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no
longer check the coin return on pay phones because
I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS
or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive
my free
replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I
now
have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214
angels
looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I
receive the
$15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me
for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will
now
return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on
your
head at 5:00 PM (CDT). I know this will occur because it actually
happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's

e

e

cussing

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

stun

Original Read when you can laugh so hard you could hurt yourself. =
I do not know who the author of this is but it sounds like a true =
confession:
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be =
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I =
have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story =
chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future.

Here goes.
=20
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled =
my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my fancy is easily tickled.) I bought =
something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our anniversary and =
I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I =
came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a =
clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a =
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate =
an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity =
while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, =
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you =
adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the =
button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, =
muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one =
of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two =
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I =
was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no =
stinkin' directions) I found much to my chagrin that this particular =
model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I =
do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, =
and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of =
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so =
looking forward to. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a =
loud pop!!! Yippee!!! I'm easily amused, just for your information, but =
I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of =
her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it =
couldn't be all that bad with only two double-a batteries, etc., etc. =
There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently (trusting little =
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat) and =
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood =
target. I must admit I thought about zapping kitty for a fraction of a =
second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. =
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself =
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as =
advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the =
time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading =
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one =
hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst =
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was =
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a =
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the =
ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this =
little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in circumference, =
pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) =
thinking to myself, no friggin' way! Friggin' way--trust me! but I'm =
getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. =
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one =
side as to say, "don't do it buddy", reasoning that a one-second burst =
from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, =
rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I =
decided to give myself one-second burst just for the heck of it. (Note: =
You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is =
so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it =
seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs =
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! =
DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the =
front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on =
the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in =
the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, =
soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest =
position. Kitty was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never =
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it =
again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note =
of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap =
yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged =
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if =
you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4 deep in your =
thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later =
(I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I =
collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the =
landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How =
did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were =
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as =
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two. By the way, =
has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a =
reward.

carnation

The next time you open a can of Carnation evaporated milk just smile and think of this.

On her family dairy farm in Newfoundland a little old lady had worked since she was a child. She had toiled many hours with little compensation. In the 1940s when Carnation Milk first came available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5000 for the best slogan to be used in promotion of the product. The company wanted a rhyming slogan beginning with "CARNATION MILK IS BEST OF ALL".

She decided that she new all about dairy farming and was capable of composing something that would sound right. She composed an entry and sent it in to the company.

About a week later a black limo arrived at her humble house. A man got out and said "The Carnation Company loved your entry and we're here to award you a token $1000 because, even though we cannot use your entry we still think of it as a work of art".

The slogan said:

CARNATION MILK IS BEST OF ALL. NO TITS TO PULL, NO HAY TO HAUL,
NO BUCKETS TO WASH, NO SHIT TO PITCH. JUST POKE A HOLE IN THE
SONOFABITCH.

POD CAST

KNIGHT MARE

GATOR AIDE

WHOLE MILK

dANDY LIONS

ASSAULTED PEANUT

MAMMOUTH CUPS

EGG PLANT

DR.PEPPER

POOL TABLE

CARD SHARK

TAP DANCERS

kING OF COLAS

PALM PILOT

black box

Black Box Voice Recorders

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 43 of the 50 states the recorded last words of the drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were "Oh, S__T!"

Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, Arkansas, Alabama, Kentucky, and WEST VIRGINIA were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were, "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin!"

peaches

A feisty 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen them.

She replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "6."

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, " What is it? "

The husband said,.... "She also stole a can of peas."

reader

A Woman Who Reads
>
> One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and > decides
> to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to
> take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and
> begins to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He > pulls
> up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you
> doing?"
>
> "Reading a book," she replies.
>
> "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
>
> "I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
>
> "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
> any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
>
> "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"says the
> woman.
>
> "But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
>
> "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
> start at any moment."
>
> "Have a nice day, ma'am," he said, and left.
>
> Moral of this story: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely
she
> can also think.

conglomerate

Men as Seen From the Female Side of the Fence, of course......


1. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

2. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world
where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

3. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident
that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he
concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble,
he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're
really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call
him.

4. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under
my pillow, instead of a gun.

5. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These
men usually have jobs and bathe.

6. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire
and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

7. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your
heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to
a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

8. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've
never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my Gosh,
I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another
man wearing a black tuxedo."

9. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is
usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches
from the door.

10. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on
record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

11. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen
the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

12. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked
him, "Are we going to have make love again?" He said, "Yes, but not
with each other."

13. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem.
"Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a
challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love
you . . . I want to marry you . . I want to have your children."
Sometimes they leave skid marks. (I REALLY Like this one!....Jodi)

14. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with
super heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow
up identifying with Barbie.

15. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With
female menopause - you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male
menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

16. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why
men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what
happened.






Thanks Debbie S
*Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore. "As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries. "I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jamie. "Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"




*How The Government Works

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked
them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid?"

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, "$2700." The guard, incredulously looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."





*Things to Think About
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present. A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth....
Remember about Algebra.

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up, or leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

walk

THEY WALK AMONG US

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural
area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal
of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason:
"too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't
want them to cross there anymore. This one was from
Kingman, KS.

_______________________________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local
Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person
behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he
was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a
Kansas City chef!

_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at
the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone
put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? < BR>To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge,
how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded,
"That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes
when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing
with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine
when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
explained that it signals blind people when the light
is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are
blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation
officer in Wichita, KS

_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and
dear coworker who was leaving the company due to
"downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This
is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was
spoken. We all just looked at each other with th at
deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at
Texas Instruments.

_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged
her power strip back into itself and for the life of
her couldn't understand why her system would not turn
on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office
no less.

_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an
automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told
the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to
unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle
and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I
announced to the technician, "Its open!" To which he
replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was
at the Ford deale rship in Canton, Mississippi!

_______________________________________________________

*and they walk among us

and REPRODUCE.

Kinda scary, huh? ANDDDD......THEY VOTE!!!

application

JOB APPLICATION

Subject: Actual 75 year old senior citizen Walmart job application

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him too because he was so honest and funny.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right Woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no, on my breaks - no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that
now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Oh yes, absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

CAPE PERPETUA