stun

Original Read when you can laugh so hard you could hurt yourself. =
I do not know who the author of this is but it sounds like a true =
confession:
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be =
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I =
have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story =
chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future.

Here goes.
=20
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled =
my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my fancy is easily tickled.) I bought =
something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our anniversary and =
I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I =
came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a =
clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a =
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate =
an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity =
while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, =
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you =
adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the =
button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, =
muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one =
of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two =
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I =
was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no =
stinkin' directions) I found much to my chagrin that this particular =
model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I =
do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, =
and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of =
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so =
looking forward to. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a =
loud pop!!! Yippee!!! I'm easily amused, just for your information, but =
I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of =
her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it =
couldn't be all that bad with only two double-a batteries, etc., etc. =
There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently (trusting little =
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat) and =
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood =
target. I must admit I thought about zapping kitty for a fraction of a =
second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. =
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself =
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as =
advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the =
time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading =
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one =
hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst =
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was =
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a =
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the =
ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this =
little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in circumference, =
pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) =
thinking to myself, no friggin' way! Friggin' way--trust me! but I'm =
getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. =
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one =
side as to say, "don't do it buddy", reasoning that a one-second burst =
from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, =
rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I =
decided to give myself one-second burst just for the heck of it. (Note: =
You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is =
so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it =
seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs =
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! =
DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the =
front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on =
the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in =
the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, =
soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest =
position. Kitty was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never =
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it =
again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note =
of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap =
yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged =
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if =
you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4 deep in your =
thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later =
(I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I =
collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the =
landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How =
did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were =
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as =
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two. By the way, =
has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a =
reward.