posted by Charles | 2:41 PM
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Senior Funnies
Jokes, pictures and stuff emailed to us. PICTURES CAN BE ENLARGED BY CLICKING ON THEM............ NO ANNONYMUS COMMENTS ALLOWED!
- Strange but true.......1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEA...
- Marriage Jokes......Why do black widow spiders kil...
- Weather Jokes......A listener called the disc jock...
- The Mysterious Sound........A man is driving down ...
- Return to Sender......I called a company in Nashvi...
- Life of the Party......"You know when you're getti...
- SUCH BEAUTY......
- Bank Basics.........Finally, our last mortgage pay...
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Monday, June 02, 2008
Strange but true.......
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President JohnWalter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who'slacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun,kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, where in the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small,so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until the police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money o I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "NO!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
8. THE GRAND FINALE! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located inthe high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new toboating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up, choking onwater he was laughing so hard....NOW REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE...... Under theboat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President JohnWalter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who'slacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun,kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, where in the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small,so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until the police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money o I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "NO!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
8. THE GRAND FINALE! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located inthe high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new toboating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up, choking onwater he was laughing so hard....NOW REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE...... Under theboat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
posted by Charles | 2:33 PM
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0 comments
Marriage Jokes......
Why do black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
posted by Charles | 2:31 PM
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Weather Jokes......
A listener called the disc jockey on the air at our radio station to ask about the upcoming lunar eclipse. "The eclipse can be seen at 1:30 in the morning," the DJ told her."That late?" the listener snapped. "I don't know why they don't schedule these things earlier, so kids can enjoy them too!"
A listener called the disc jockey on the air at our radio station to ask about the upcoming lunar eclipse. "The eclipse can be seen at 1:30 in the morning," the DJ told her."That late?" the listener snapped. "I don't know why they don't schedule these things earlier, so kids can enjoy them too!"
posted by Charles | 2:25 PM
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Sunday, June 01, 2008
The Mysterious Sound........
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst... Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst... Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
posted by Charles | 5:58 PM
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Return to Sender......
I called a company in Nashville to order some country music CDs. After hanging up, I said to my wife, "The woman on the phone had such a heavy accent, I could barely understand her." Apparently the problem had been mutual. My CDs arrived in a package addressed to "Smoked Ham, Washington."
I called a company in Nashville to order some country music CDs. After hanging up, I said to my wife, "The woman on the phone had such a heavy accent, I could barely understand her." Apparently the problem had been mutual. My CDs arrived in a package addressed to "Smoked Ham, Washington."
posted by Charles | 5:56 PM
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Life of the Party......
"You know when you're getting old?" my friend asked.
"I give up," I said.
"When you tell your best friend you're having an affair and they ask, 'Is it catered?' "
"You know when you're getting old?" my friend asked.
"I give up," I said.
"When you tell your best friend you're having an affair and they ask, 'Is it catered?' "
posted by Charles | 5:53 PM
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0 comments
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Bank Basics.........
Finally, our last mortgage payment. To make a ceremony of it, we went to the bank and paid in person. The teller processed everything and handed me the closing papers.
Heading for the door, I suddenly remembered a rebate check I'd brought along to cash.
I went back to the same teller. "Sorry, we can't do that," she explained. "You don't have an account here."
posted by Charles | 1:22 PM
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A DOG'S PRAYER......
Treat me kindly, my beloved master, for no heart in all the world is more grateful for kindness than the loving heart of me. Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I should lick your hand between the blows, your patience and understanding will more quickly teach me the things you would have me do. Speak to me often, for your voice is the world's sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep falls upon my waiting ear. When it is cold and wet, please take me inside, for I am now a domesticated animal, no longer used to bitter elements, and I ask no greater glory than the privilege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth... though had you no home, I would rather follow you through ice and snow than rest upon the softest pillow in the warmest home in all the land, for you are my god and I am your devoted worshiper. Keep my pan filled with fresh water, for although I should not reproach you were it dry, I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst. Feed me clean food, that I may stay well, to romp and play and do your bidding, to walk by your side, and stand ready, willing and able to protect you with my life, should your life be in danger. And, beloved master, should the Great Master see fit to deprive me of my health or sight, do not turn me away from you. Rather hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful boon of eternal rest... and I will leave you knowing with the last breath I drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands.
by Beth Harris
Treat me kindly, my beloved master, for no heart in all the world is more grateful for kindness than the loving heart of me. Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I should lick your hand between the blows, your patience and understanding will more quickly teach me the things you would have me do. Speak to me often, for your voice is the world's sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep falls upon my waiting ear. When it is cold and wet, please take me inside, for I am now a domesticated animal, no longer used to bitter elements, and I ask no greater glory than the privilege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth... though had you no home, I would rather follow you through ice and snow than rest upon the softest pillow in the warmest home in all the land, for you are my god and I am your devoted worshiper. Keep my pan filled with fresh water, for although I should not reproach you were it dry, I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst. Feed me clean food, that I may stay well, to romp and play and do your bidding, to walk by your side, and stand ready, willing and able to protect you with my life, should your life be in danger. And, beloved master, should the Great Master see fit to deprive me of my health or sight, do not turn me away from you. Rather hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful boon of eternal rest... and I will leave you knowing with the last breath I drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands.
by Beth Harris
posted by Charles | 1:19 PM
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Good advice......
1.Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on thesame night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be"meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
9. Never lick a steak knife.
10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
11. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
12. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
13. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
14. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not inthem.
16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
17. Your friends love you anyway. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
1.Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on thesame night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be"meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
9. Never lick a steak knife.
10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
11. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
12. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
13. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
14. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not inthem.
16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
17. Your friends love you anyway. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
posted by Charles | 1:03 PM
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0 comments
India......
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads called a bindi. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington DC.. When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the U.S.. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice for one of the many Customer Relations services located in the States. Just thought you would like to know.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads called a bindi. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington DC.. When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the U.S.. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice for one of the many Customer Relations services located in the States. Just thought you would like to know.
posted by Charles | 1:03 PM
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0 comments
Friday, May 30, 2008
Real classified ads 04.......
These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN.
FREE. CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME.
These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN.
FREE. CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME.
posted by Charles | 9:08 PM
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0 comments
Animal Crackers......
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal." Christmas Story.........
A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents. As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! "And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
Momma said ...........
I was nearing the final stages of my college preparation to become an elementary school teacher. During my Junior Year we were required to visit several classrooms of varying grades to get a feel for what we were getting ourselves into. Males in elementary education are a rarity and I soon learned that the children thought it was really neat to see a male at school that was not the principal. I will never forget my first visit to a kindergarten class room. These little tots were dying to ask me questions and tell me things about themselves. One little boy raised his hand and I went over to him. He VERY seriously said, "My granddaddy is going to kill himself." Caught COMPLETELY off guard, I struggled for what to say to him. I finally managed, "I'm sure he's not gonna kill himself." He replied, "Oh yes he is...Momma said if he doesn't quit lifting things that are too heavy, he's gonna kill himself."
Universal Time......
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open. "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call. Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal." Christmas Story.........
A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents. As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! "And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
Momma said ...........
I was nearing the final stages of my college preparation to become an elementary school teacher. During my Junior Year we were required to visit several classrooms of varying grades to get a feel for what we were getting ourselves into. Males in elementary education are a rarity and I soon learned that the children thought it was really neat to see a male at school that was not the principal. I will never forget my first visit to a kindergarten class room. These little tots were dying to ask me questions and tell me things about themselves. One little boy raised his hand and I went over to him. He VERY seriously said, "My granddaddy is going to kill himself." Caught COMPLETELY off guard, I struggled for what to say to him. I finally managed, "I'm sure he's not gonna kill himself." He replied, "Oh yes he is...Momma said if he doesn't quit lifting things that are too heavy, he's gonna kill himself."
Universal Time......
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open. "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call. Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
posted by Charles | 9:03 PM
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0 comments
Einstein's Speech.......
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
posted by Charles | 8:51 PM
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0 comments
Thursday, May 29, 2008
DOCTOR HUMOR.......
Did you ever have this before?
Doctor: Have you ever had this before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you've got it again!
*****************
My son swallowed the can opener.......
Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!
Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?!
The toast is getting cold!
*****************
My wife is beating me.......
David: My wife beats me, doctor.
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
David: Every time we play Scrabble!
*****************
Get me an ambulance now......
A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.
Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!
Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!
Did you ever have this before?
Doctor: Have you ever had this before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you've got it again!
*****************
My son swallowed the can opener.......
Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!
Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?!
The toast is getting cold!
*****************
My wife is beating me.......
David: My wife beats me, doctor.
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
David: Every time we play Scrabble!
*****************
Get me an ambulance now......
A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.
Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!
Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!
posted by Charles | 11:21 AM
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0 comments
Marriage quotes 02.........
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married! There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
posted by Charles | 11:14 AM
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0 comments
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Dog and Cat Diaries.........
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
Day number 180
08:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!
Day number 181
8:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!5:30 pm - Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!
Day number 182
8:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.
Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ...
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
Day number 180
08:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!
Day number 181
8:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!5:30 pm - Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!
Day number 182
8:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.
Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ...
posted by Charles | 1:09 PM
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0 comments
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid agruments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by
using the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins.
Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll
be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't
move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use
the duct tape.
7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Daily thought: Some people are like slinkies - not really good for
anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the
stairs.
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid agruments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by
using the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins.
Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll
be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't
move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use
the duct tape.
7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Daily thought: Some people are like slinkies - not really good for
anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the
stairs.
posted by Charles | 1:02 PM
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0 comments
HIGH GASOLINE PRICES.... $4.00 per gallon is already here for some!!!!Gasoline prices are totally out of control ......
Start to Re-Train YOUR vehicles TODAY.
Start to Re-Train YOUR vehicles TODAY.
posted by Charles | 12:59 PM
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0 comments
Monday, May 26, 2008
Better late than never.....
A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside committal service at a small country cemetery in Iowa. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left in Iowa. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.
After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workmen were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service in its entirety. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Maybe we'd better tell him that's the septic tank."
A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside committal service at a small country cemetery in Iowa. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left in Iowa. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.
After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workmen were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service in its entirety. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Maybe we'd better tell him that's the septic tank."
posted by Charles | 9:12 PM
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0 comments
High Octane.......
"Do you know what I just heard?" said my husband, Raymond, looking up from the TV. "Researchers in Brazil have discovered a new use for coffee. They've figured out a way to use the beans to make biofuel."He paused. "I guess that means someday we'll pull up to the gas pump and have to choose between regular and decaf."
"Do you know what I just heard?" said my husband, Raymond, looking up from the TV. "Researchers in Brazil have discovered a new use for coffee. They've figured out a way to use the beans to make biofuel."He paused. "I guess that means someday we'll pull up to the gas pump and have to choose between regular and decaf."
posted by Charles | 8:19 PM
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0 comments
Computer Jokes........
While getting dressed one morning, I decided I'd been spending too much time on my computer: I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my makeup mirror to see what time it was.
While getting dressed one morning, I decided I'd been spending too much time on my computer: I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my makeup mirror to see what time it was.
posted by Charles | 8:17 PM
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0 comments