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Senior Funnies

Jokes, pictures and stuff emailed to us. PICTURES CAN BE ENLARGED BY CLICKING ON THEM............ NO ANNONYMUS COMMENTS ALLOWED!

Friday, February 29, 2008




Try to find something in this you disagree with. This needs to be said. Rep. or Dem. doesn't even come into play in this statement. _____________________________________________________

Remember Lee Iacocca, the man who rescued Chrysler Corporation from it's death throes? He has a new book, and here are some excerpts. _____________________________________________________________

Lee Iacocca Says: 'Am I the only guy in this country who's fed up with what's happening? Wher e the hell is our outrage? We should be screaming bloody murder. We've got a gang of clueless bozos steering our ship of state right over a cliff, we've got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we can't even clean up after a hurricane much less build a hybrid car. But instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods their heads when the politicians say, 'Stay the course' Stay the course? You've got to be kidding. This is America , not the damned 'Titanic'. I'll give you a sound bite: 'Throw all the bums out!' You might think I'm getting senile, that I've gone off my rocker, and maybe I have. But someone has to speak up. I hardly recognize this country anymore. The most famous business leaders are not the innovators but the guys in handcuffs. While we're fiddling in Iraq , the Middle East is burning and nobody seems to know what to do. And the press is waving 'pom-poms' instead of asking hard questions. That's not the promise of the ' America ' my parents and yours traveled across the ocean for. I've had enough. How about you? I'll go a step further. You can't call yourself a patriot if you're not outraged. This is a fight I'm ready and willing to have. The Biggest 'C' is Crisis! Leaders are made, not born. Leadership is forged in times of crisis. It's easy to sit there with your feet up on the desk and talk theory. Or send someone else's kids off to war when you've never seen a battlefield yourself. It's another thing to lead when your world comes tumbling down. On September 11, 2001, we needed a strong leader more than any other time in our history. We needed a steady hand to guide us out of the ashes. A Hell of a Mess. So here's where we stand. We're immersed in a bloody war with no plan for winning and no plan for leaving. We're running the biggest deficit in the history of the country. We're losing the manufacturing edge to Asia , while our once-great companies are getting slaughtered by health c are costs. Gas prices are skyrocketing, and nobody in power has a coherent energy policy. Our schools are in trouble. Our borders are like sieves. The middle class is being squeezed every which way. These are times that cry out for leadership. But when you look around, you've got to ask: 'Where have all the leaders gone?' Where are the curious, creative communicators? Where are the people of character, courage, conviction, omnipotence, and common sense? I may be a sucker for alliteration, but I think you get the point. Name me a leader who has a better idea for homeland security than making us take off our shoes in airports and throw away our shampoo? We've spent billions of dollars building a huge new bureaucracy, and all we know how to do is react to things that have already happened. Name me one leader who emerged from the crisis of Hurricane Katrina. Congress has yet to spend a single day evaluating the response to the hurricane, or demanding ac countability for the decisions that were made in the crucial hours after the storm. Everyone's hunkering down, fingers crossed, hoping it doesn't happen again. Now, that's just crazy. Storms happen. Deal with it Make a plan. Figure out what you're going to do the next time. Name me an industry leader who is thinking creatively about how we can restore our competitive edge in manufacturing. Who would have believed that there could ever be a time when 'The Big Three' referred to Japanese car companies? How did this happen, and more important, what are we going to do about it? Name me a government leader who can articulate a plan for paying down the debt, or solving the energy crisis, or managing the health care problem. The silence is deafening. But these are the crises that are eating away at our country and milking the middle class dry. I have news for the gang in Congress. We didn't elect you to sit on your asses and do nothing and remain silent while our democracy is being hijacked and our greatness is being replaced with mediocrity. What is everybody so afraid of? That some bonehead on Fox News will call them a name? Give me a break. Why don't you guys show some spine for a change? Had Enough? Hey, I'm not trying to be the voice of gloom and doom here. I'm trying to light a fire. I'm speaking out because I have hope, I believe in America . In my lifetime I've had the privilege of living through some of America 's greatest moments. I've also experienced some of our worst crises: the 'Great Depression', 'World War II', the 'Korean War', the 'Kennedy Assassination', the 'Vietnam War', the 1970s oil crisis, and the struggles of recent years culminating with 9/11. If I've learned one thing, it's this: 'You don't get anywhere by standing on the sidelines waiting for somebody else to take action. Whether it's building a better car or building a better future for our children, we all have a role to play. That' s the challenge I'm raising in this book. It's a call to 'Action' for people who, like me, believe in America . It's not too late, but it's getting pretty close. So let's shake off the crap and go to work. Let's tell 'em all we've had 'enough.' Excerpted from 'Where Have All the Leaders Gone?'. Copyright (c) 2007 by Lee Iacocca. All rights reserved











My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'Honestly--------My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.














My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'













My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
















My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You cold REALLY learn something from this one.'I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'Honestly--------My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.


Sue and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Sue pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Sue: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Sue: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

More Automobile Acronyms......
GM: General Maintenance
GMC:
Garage Man’s Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA:
Had One, Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else
HYUNDAI:
Hope You Understand Nothing`s Dr And Inexpensive
MAZDA: Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE:
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB:
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
TOYOTA: Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW: Virtually Worthless

Rules of Etiquette When the Power is Out Due to an Ice Storm........
All clothing rules such as matching and ironing are null and void during a power outage and it is extremely rude to point out that navy blue pants, black shoes and a dark gray t-shirt don't really go together. Everything matches when it's pitch black in side your closet and nothing looks wrinkled in the dark.
If you are fortunate enough to have power, you should not fix your hair until all of your co-workers also have power. Nothing is more irritating to those of us with flat, straight hair than to sit next to Miss Bouncy Hair who had the advantage of a working hair dryer, curling iron, and hot rollers in a heated bathroom.
If your power comes back on but your neighbor’s has not, it is in very poor taste to turn on all 100,000 of your outdoor Christmas lights. Give it a rest. We are sitting in the dark burning our last remaining candle and the glow of your Christmas lights across the street is not giving us a warm, fuzzy feeling.
If you have power, don't ask the have-nots "Did you see the news last night?" or "Did you watch Law and Order? It was the best show ever."
Don't call in to work to say you're running a few minutes late because the homemade cookies in your oven are not quite done. And don't come to work without at least 2 dozen of them.
You power (P) people stop telling us non-power (NP) people to stay warm. What don't you understand about "WE DON'T HAVE POWER". There is no way to stay warm!
Don't be asking "What's that smell" when you are sitting next to a non-power person. Showers are a luxury that the NP's do not have unless one of you P's wants to give us access to yours.

A man owned a small farm in Iowa...
The Iowa State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper
wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years".
"I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board".
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board".
"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here".
"He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night".
"He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.

Monday, February 25, 2008

BEAUTY OF HAND ART......


The Amazing Flying Dog.......

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop."There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket."He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband."Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"

Robbing a Congressman ........

Late one night in Washington, D.C., a mugger jumped a well-dressed man and held a gun to his ribs. "Give me your money!" he demanded. The man stiffened, but said indignantly, "You can't do this to me - I'm a U. S. Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"

Afternoon bike ride .......

It was Kelly and Patrick giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day.After a wee bit, Kelly who was sitt'n behind Patrick on the bike began to holler ..."Patrick ... Patrick ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!""Well, Kelly my lad," said Patrick, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."So Kelly took Patrick's advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again.After a bit, Patrick turned to talk to Kelly and was horrified to see that he was not there. Patrick immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route.When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Kelly who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Patrick hailed to the farmers."Well," said one of the farmers, "he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -

"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?" Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!" The salesman seemed hurt and hen tries again - "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00? Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!" The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much". Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!" "It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

"I've never flown be"I've never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. "You will bring me down safely, won't you?"All I can say ma'am," said the pilot, "is that I've never left anyone up there yet!"

Sunday, February 24, 2008

CUTE!!!


A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting......

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is." The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

A new retiree greeter at Walmart just couldn't seem to get to work on time..........

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. 'Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite
bothersome.'
'Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.'
'Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?'
'They said, 'Good morning, General.'

Haircut.............
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Thenext morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, " I cannot accept moneyfrom you; I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful." Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

You may be addicted to the Internet, if ...

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape 4.0 or higher."
You put down your internet address when filling out your driver's license application.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You laugh at people with 14.4K-baud modems.
You start using smileys in your snail mail.
The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.
You have engaged to someone you've never actually met except through e-mail.
You introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" or husband as "myman@tv.hubby" and refer to your children as "client applications".
You name your children Mosaic, Java and Eudora.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap ... and your child in the overhead compartment.
Only communication in your household is through email.
You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...DSL...T1...T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You think Webster's Dictionary is a directory of Web sites.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa but haven't spoken to your next-door neighbor yet this year.
You refer to your age as 3.x.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You really did ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
There is an I.V. stand next to your mini tower.
Choice between paying AOL bill and paying for kids education is easy -- if a little painful for your kids.
AT&T names you Customer of the Month for the third consecutive time.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You have to install a second phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
You hide the bill from the spouse because you may have to sell the family car to pay it.
Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
Batteries in the TV remote now last for months.
You hire a housekeeper for your home page.
New mail alarm on your palmtop annoys other churchgoers.
Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.
Your household pets mimic the soundblaster card for attention.
You unsuccessfully try to download a pizza from www.dominos.com.
You try to order a movie from Blockbuster video by downloading it at 44,000 BPS.
You get hundreds of comments posted for you at EBay.com.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You can't call your mother ... she doesn't have a modem.
You tell the taxi driver you live at http://1100.sunset.ave/mansion/brick.html
You're upset because an obituary fails to mention the deceased's new email address.
You try to pay the babysitter via electronic transfer or PayPal.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
When your car is crashing through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the Back button.
Your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.
You want to meet someone new and your first impulse is to turn on your computer.
You double click your TV remote
You forget that you don't have to use your keyboard when using your telephone.
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You have more than 5 email addresses.
You set up a Web page for each of your kids.
Your dog has its own home page too.
You use more than 20 passwords.
Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
If you can write a list like this.
If you immediately think of ten people to whom you want to send this list.
You come back and check this list every half-hour.

Friday, February 22, 2008


No drinking coffee on this fun road...............

Fishing ........

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses. "Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?" "Fishin', sir." "Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?" The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?" The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

Burglar.......

"Get this." said the English bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get anything?" his mates asked. "yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

Starting Salary........

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Brazilian Soldiers ...........

George Bush is sat in the oval office one morning, reviewing the Iraq situation with his generals. The door opens, an aide walks in...."Bad news Im afraid ,Mr President...we have just had word that 3 Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Iraq"President Bush drops to his knees and puts his face in his hands...and starts sobbing with grief....absolutely inconsolable...the President seems to have taken the news incredibly badly......All the assembled generals can hear from the president is a mumbled "oh my god ...oh my god...."Eventually, Bush looks up to Dick Cheney through teary eyes from where he is kneeling and asks....."Exactly how many is a brazillion,Dick?"

Thursday, February 21, 2008

CLICK ON PICTURE......

Football Coach...........

A football coach had a star quarterback who was as dumb as a post.The only way the kid could stay on the team would be to pass all his classes, which was impossible. All his teachers agreed to go easy on him except for one, his math teacher. The coach begged the math teacher to not fail the kid.The math teacher agreed to give the boy an oral exam which, if he passed, would count for class credit. The coach came to the exam to support his star athlete.The math teacher asked only one question for the exam: “What is two plus two?”“Four,” the athlete answered.The football coach went into a panic and yelled, “Give him another chance! Just one more chance!”

Printer Problems.........

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, “Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?”

Heart Transplant........

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him “How are you feeling?” The man replies “Not BAAAAD!”

Interesting Point Of View........

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck."

Wednesday, February 20, 2008












Improvement.........

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Blood Circulation.........

A teacher was giving a lesson about the circulation of blood. Attempting to make the subject clearer, he said to his class, "Now students, if I were to stand on my head, as you know, the blood would rush into it and I would turn red in the face."The students all nodded in agreement."Then why is it that when I am standing in an upright position, the blood doesn't rush into my feet?" asked the teacher.A student at the back of the class yelled out, "Probably because your feet aren't empty!"

FBI Agent for Hire........

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming. The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"

A six year old comes crying.......

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair."Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.This time the sister is bawling and her brother says..."Now she knows."

Friday, February 15, 2008


The Tax System in Simple Terms......

Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner. The bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men -- the poorest -- would pay nothing;
the fifth would pay $1,
the sixth would pay $3,
the seventh $7,
the eighth $12,
the ninth $18,
and the tenth man -- the richest -- would pay $59.

That's what they decided to do. The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement -- until one day, the owner threw them a curve (in tax language a tax cut).

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20." So now dinner for the ten only cost $80.00. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six -- the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his "fair share?" The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would end up being PAID to eat their meal. So the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so:

the fifth man paid nothing
the sixth pitched in $2
the seventh paid $5
the eighth paid $9
the ninth paid $12 leaving the tenth man with a bill of $52 instead of his earlier $59.

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to eat for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man, but he, (pointing to the tenth) got $7!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed
the fifth man, "I only saved a dollar, too, It's unfair that he got seven times more than me!" That's true!" shouted the seventh man, why should he get $7 back when I got only $2?" The wealthy get all the breaks!" Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night he didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered, a little late what was very important. They were FIFTY-TWO DOLLARS short of paying the bill!

Imagine that!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college instructors, is how the tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table anymore. Where would that leave the rest?

Unfortunately, many people cannot seem to grasp this rather straightforward logic!


T. Davies
Professor of Accounting & Chair,
Division of Accounting and Business Law
The University of South Dakota
School of Business

Senior Citizen Firemen..............

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers, it exploded into roaring flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out intact." The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the fire.
After two hours of fighting the fire, another department was called in and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the firefighters who could bring out the company's secret files.
From a distance, a loud siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little fire engine raced past everyone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off their rig and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that, for such a super-human feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly firefighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the exciting event on film. One of them asked, "What are you going to do with all that money? "Well," said the 70-year old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on that truck!"

The talking dog..........

A man sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down."
"So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

FROM THE MOUTHS OF CHILDREN..........

KIDS IN GRADE SCHOOL, THINK FAST!!!!
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
___________

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication
on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
____________
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
_____________
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have
today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
____________
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
same day, same time."
_____________
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down
his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, do
you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
______________
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog"
is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
_____________
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

Thursday, February 14, 2008





Boyee.....time to run or do
something quick!!!!!!


Cow on Train Tracks........

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside."What's going on?" she yells out the window."Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.Within five minutes, however, it stops again.The woman sees the same conductor walk again.She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

Unhappy Pharmacist........

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist is perplexed but doesn't give it a second thought. The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist remembers the day before and starts to wonder what's up but not for too long because he has work to do.The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. Now the pharmacist is intrigued as to what is going on with this guy so he arranges with his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he is going, should the man return. Wouldn't you know it, The same guy comes back the next day, laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later. The eager pharmacist asked his assistant where the man went? The assistant said: "Your house."

Three doctors.....................

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck… it’s probably a duck,” shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, “Hmmmm…green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound…might be a duck.” He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, “Go see if that was a duck.”


Dinner?


It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner."What are my choices?" he asked."Yes or No," she replied.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008




Family Reunion ...........

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her, and then hangs up. The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news. She calls her father and yells, You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me? The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they're paying their own way!

Ticket Please ..............

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket. "How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them. When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all! "How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom. Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"

An Extremely Loyal Fan................

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

Starting Salary..........

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Monday, February 11, 2008




Short Jokes......

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
*******************************************
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
******************************************
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
******************************************
The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick' The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?' The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
*****************************************
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts." The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts." The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
***************************************
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
***************************************
Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!

***************************************
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

*************************************

The Perfect Son.......

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Military Computer......

The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT? The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES. The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT? Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

The Missionary.......

A missionary recruit goes to Venezuela for the first time, struggling with the language. He visits one of the local churches and sits in the front row. So as not to make a fool of himself, he decides to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He decides to follow the man sitting next to him in the front pew. As they sing, the man claps his hands, so the missionary recruit claps, too. When the man stands up to pray, the missionary recruit stands up, too. When the man sits down, the missionary sits down. Later in the service, the man next to him stands up again, so the missionary stands up, too. Suddenly a hush falls over the entire congregation. A few people gasp. The missionary looks around and sees that no one else is standing. So he sits down. After the service ends, the missionary recruit greets the preacher. "I take it you don't speak Spanish," the preacher says. The missionary replies, "No, I don't. It's that obvious?" "Well yes," the preacher says. "I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy, and I asked the proud father to please stand up."

Happy Birthday.......

A lady goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"The lady counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh .. 22!". The interviewer looks at her a little puzzled and then tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?".The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your nameplease?"The lady bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!".The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?""Ohh that!", she replies, "That's just me running through, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ."

The Hitchhiker.....

A woman is driving home inNorthern Arizona when shecomes upon a Navajo woman hitchhiking.Because the trip has been long and quiet,she stops the car and the Navajo womanclimbs in.During their small talk, the Navajowoman glances surreptitiouslyat a brown bag on the front seatbetween them. "If you're wonderingwhat's in the bag," offers the woman,"it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."The Navajo woman is silent for a while,nods several times and says, "Good Trade!"

The Loan......

A lady walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the lady hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the lady returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The lady replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

Friday, February 08, 2008




The lawyer and the farmer.........

Settlement… Lawyer and the three kick ruleAn Atlanta lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Georgia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Tennessee Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The big-city attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

A lot of Bull...........

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. Inorder to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase abull so that they can breed their own stock. They hear about a bull for salein Abilene and decide the brunette sister will drive out to check out the animal. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if Idecide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul ithome." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides shewants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister atelegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, andsays, "I want to send a telegram telling my sister that I've bought a bulland I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out hereso we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be gladto help her, then adds, "It's just $.99 a word." Well, after paying for thebull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. Afterthinking for a few minutes, she says, "I want you to send her the word'comfortable'." The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she evergoing to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truckand drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her theword, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slowly: com - for - da - bul."

The Ostrich...........

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a double cheeseburger, large fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich and asks, "what about you?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $8.94 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a double cheeseburger, large fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a porterhouse steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $22.86". Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I wish I'd just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.""That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people w ould wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll a lways be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs who always agrees with everything I say!"

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Sweet Cheeks...........

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told her husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Giddy Up................

One day a man ran into an old friend and asked him if he was still dating the same girl. "No" Replied the friend. "She wasn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier. Just the other day she decided to ride a horse for the first time. Without any instruction she hopped on and took off at full gallop. Everything was fine for a minute until she started losing her grip and began sliding down the side of the horse. She started grasping desperately at the reigns and the horse's mane. The horse kept it's pace up as she bounced up and down on the ground with the horse's hooves pounding away inches from her head. The horse might have killed her if it were not for an alert Wal-mart greeter who ran over and unplugged the thing!"

Fire!
There was a Texas oil tycoon who was watching his largest oil well going up in flames. He called in the best fire fighting equipment money could buy but there was no way they could get close enough to the intense flames to reach them with their water hose. Finally, out of desperation, he called the local volunteer fire department. They chugged up in their 1946 truck and passed every one of the state of the art rigs and headed toward the center of the fire. They stopped, jumped out, sprayed each other down with water, and then proceeded to put out the fire. When they were finally finished, the millionaire was so impressed with the crew's dedication and bravery, he awarded the chief with a check for $10,000. Later, a reporter asked the chief what he was going to do with the money. The chief replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix those lousy brakes!!"

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

HAND ART...........




Track Record.......

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!""Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

The Mule.........

On Monday Fred, an old country farmer, bought a mule from Luke, another old farmer, for $100. Luke promised to deliver the mule the next day.On Tuesday Luke drove up and said, "Sorry, Fred, but I have some bad news. The mule died."Fred: Well, then, just give me my money back.Luke: Can't do that. I went and spent it already.Fred: Well, OK then. Just unload the mule.Luke: What ya gonna do with a dead mule?Fred: I'm going to raffle him off.Luke: You can't raffle off a dead mule!Fred: Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.Several days later the two farmers meet up.Luke: Whatever happened with that dead mule?Fred: I raffled him off just like I said I would. Sold 500 tickets at $2 each!Luke: Didn't anyone complain?Fred: Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.

New Waitress......

A manager of a restaurant had called its owner to ask about whether or not she should hire a new waitress."She can speak twelve different languages, which will be good for foreign visitors," said the manager."All right, so hire her," the owner replied."But, sir..." "I knew there would be a but. What's wrong with her?""Sir, English isn't one of the twelve languages."

Bank Heist........

During a bank heist the Chief told the Sgt. to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away. Later the Sgt. reports to the chief. “Sorry sir but they got away.”The chief very disappointed says, “I told you to cover all Exist.”"I did” replied the Sgt. but they got away through the Entrance"

Monday, February 04, 2008


GREAT SAND SCUPTURES..........