WOW PICTURES..........!

Mary had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.Yet John, her husband, had stayed by her bedside every single day.One day, when Mary came to, she motioned for John to come nearer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears :- You know what ? You have been with me all through the bad times...When I got fired from my secretary?s job, you were there to support me.When my first hairdressing business failed, you were there.When I got knocked down by a car, you were by my side.When we lost our dear Johnny, you stayed right here.When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what ?- What dear? John gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.- I think you bring me bad luck.

Three LadiesThree ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said :- Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of apple sauce in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a flan.The second lady said :- Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.The third one said :- Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem.Knock on wood, as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, that must be the door, I'll get it !

GOOD HUMOR...................
While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.
I asked one nurse what the pin signified.
"Oh," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."
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One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, Captain Bravo's lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic!
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
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An applicant for a job with the federal government was filling out the application form. He came to this question: "Do you favor the overthrow of the United States government by force, subversion, or violence?" Thinking it was a multiple-choice question, he checked "violence."
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On golf:

"It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling." -Mark Twain

If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the group ahead are still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme Putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.

"Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle." -Anonymous
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Furniture Disease is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers.
****************
Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain. My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?" With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma'am, he's not THAT sick!"

A Blind Mans Sport.......

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: I am placed in the door and told when to jump My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked. I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground he answered. But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? he was again asked. He quickly answered Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.

Private Grief ........

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

PHARMACIST'S............

A woman walks into a pharmacy asks the pharmacist for some arsenic poison.He says, 'What do you want with arsenic?'She replies, 'I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me with other woman.'The pharmacist says, 'I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, lady. Not even if he is cheating on you with another woman.'So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

SAD.....BUT WHAT A PICTUE

New Power Supply .......

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker’s technical support line for assistance…Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?Customer: There’s smoke coming from the power supply on my computer…Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply…Customer: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files…Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it…Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command…For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician’s efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded…Technician: I’m sorry. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there’s an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem…Customer: I knew it!Technician: Just add the line ‘LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE’ at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes…About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer…Customer: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking…Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?Customer: MS-DOS 6.22…Technician: Well, that’s your problem. That version of DOS doesn’t include NOSMOKE. You’ll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out…When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again…Customer: I need a new power supply…Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply…Technician: What did he tell you?Customer: He said my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE...

Hearing Check...........

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased. The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"

Boss Issues ........

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Up To The Challenge.........

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes. Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing." Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, lo and behold, he made it! The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the bastard who pushed me in."

Where do you live?

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. “Where do you live?” asked the operator.Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”After a long pause, Bubba said, “How ’bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”

WOW PICTUES.......HOW ABOUT MY SOUND SYSTEM?

Ponderables ......
If you fatten up everyone else around, you will look thinner.
It would be easier to lose weight if replacement parts weren't so handy in the refrigerator.
If swimming is so good for your figure, then why do whales look the way they do?
If you have melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
It's not a slow metabolism that makes us put on weight, but a fast food.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
When your house looks like a bomb hit it and company calls from a block away, set your vacuum by the front door and say "Come on in! I was just cleaning.
"An antique store sign: Come in and buy what your grandmother threw away.
Above all, if it's not dirty ~ don't clean it.
An optimist sees the glass as half full. The pessimist sees it as half empty. A realist see it as just onemore thing to wash.
America is the only country where a housewife hires a cleaning lady so she can volunteer at the day care center where the cleaning lady leaves her child.
A psychiatrist is a person who gives you expensive answers which your wife will give you for free.
Face powder may catch a man, but baking powder will keep him!
Be careful how you live. You may be the only Bible some people read.Never be discouraged. Remember, Noah was an amateur. The experts built the Titanic.
One reason computers do so much work, they don't have to stop and answer the phone.
An optimist is a person who expects the ketchup to come out in 3 shakes.
Tact is the ability to close your mouth before someone else wants you to.
Life is too short to stuff cherry tomatoes.
Sometimes an unanswered prayer is a blessing.
If you would like your house to be clean, invite someone over to dinner.
It must have taken a lot of courage to discover that frog legs are edible.
The problem ~ how to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution ~ eat it in the parking lot.
Just about the time you make ends meet, someone moves the end.
If you want to see a cup runneth over, let a child pour his own soda.
The best sellers in many bookstores are cookbooks and diet books. One tells you how to prepare the food, the other tells you how not to eat.
Formal education will make you a living. Self-education will make you a fortune.
Man can not live by bread alone ~ he needs peanut butter and jelly to go with it.
There are two theories to arguing with women ~ neither ones works.

CRAZY LOOKING CLOUDS.......BUT WHAT COOLNESS

What the Doctor Says vs. What He Really Means:

"This should be taken care of right away."This is easy and profitable so I want to fix it before it cures itself
"Welllllll, what have we here..."I don't have any idea what it is, and hope you'll give me a clue
"We'll see."First I have to check my malpractice insurance
"Let me check your medical history."I want to see if you're paid up before spending any more time with you
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of my time
"I have some good news and some bad news."The good news: I get a new BMW. The bad news: You're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."Maybe in a few days it will turn into something that can be cured
"Let me schedule you for some tests."I have a forty percent interest in the lab
"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."I hate those guys horning in on our fees
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."I haven't the faintest idea what to do. Maybe the Nurse will interrupt
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune
"How are we today?"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."I think I'm going to throw up
"This may hurt a little."Last week two patients bit through their tongues
"This should fix you up."The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig
"Everything seems to be normal." I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all
"I'd like to run some more tests."I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this
"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves ?"I'm hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees
"If those symptoms persist, call for another appointment."I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week
"There is a lot of that going around."My God, that's the third one this week... I'd better learn something about this

A guy comes into a coffee shop & places his order...

He says "I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights"
The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights."
"What does he think, this is an auto parts store".
"No" the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up".
"Oh" says the waitress. The waitress thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.
The guy says "What are the beans for?"
The waitress replies "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires & headlights, that you might want to gas up".

Executives Wife........

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

Sack Full of Chickens.......

One day there were two men walking down a dirt path. One of them had a big potato sack over his shoulder. The other decided to ask what was in the sack. When he asked, the man said, ''I got me some chickens for dinner tonight. Mmm Mmm Mmm... Chicken sure sounds good tonight.'' The other one wanted to know how many chickens were in the sack. ''Well I'll tell you,'' replied the man, ''If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack I'll give them both to you.''

Cure for your cough.......
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained. "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post."Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

Off Duty Officer.......
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result. "This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought. A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets--each for not wearing a seat belt!

Whose Dog......
A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It''s my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it,sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the world kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that he choked on it, sir."

One Liners..

Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!

***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1... No Strings attached...but for a limited period ONLY!...A bloody good deal!

Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry 370HSSV 0773H

FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.

Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r.

Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text!

Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person - Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!

I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?

This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex? His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone

Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!

I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok!

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.

How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.

Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...

U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....sh*t...I got wrong number...SORRY :)

I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU!

On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

Nope.....u still ugly!

Text Message Jokes
Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.

What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.

Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'

Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u.

I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass.

How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support herHow to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.

How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!

Friendship Greetings ......................

If you need advice, text me... if you need a friend, call me ... if you need me, come to me... if you need money........ SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED!
A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway
Friends are like a head of hair. You might lose some, but with enough cash you can buy them back.
Without humor, life sucks. Without Love, Life seems hopeless. But without a friend like you, life is nearly impossible.
Memories last forever, they simply never die, true friends stay together - they NEVER say good-bye.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so my friend stay wasted all the time, and have the time of your life!
A faithful friend is worth more than all the gold in the world.
Love is only chatter, it's your friends that really matter.
I've nothing to offer so it's love I'm going to send. It's nothing that I've borrowed, nor nothing that I'd lend. This love that I send comes with my Lifetime Guarantee.
It's much easier to turn a friendship into love, than love into friendship.
Friendships multiply joys and divide griefs.
Our kind of friendship is like love without wings!
Posters
Friendship is a sheltering tree.
I believe in Angels, the ones that Heaven sends. Each day I tell those Angels, you are my best of friends.
Always draw a circle around the ones you love, never draw a heart because hearts can be broken, but circles are never ending.
A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature.
True friends warm the heart, make you laugh, smile...yes, you are a true friend.
A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway
Your the kind of friend that only heaven could have sent.
I need you too know our friendship means a lot - If you cry then I cry, if you laugh..if you jump out the window I look down then....I laugh again :-)
Treat your friends as you do your pictures, and place them in their best light.
Books, like friends, should be few and well chosen.
The world is round so that friendship may encircle it.

Trust Mom..........

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates." About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

MORE OF HAND PAINT ART........WOW!

Police interview.........

A new recruit police officer had almost finished his interview, and the interviewer asked him the last question which was:"You are on duty. A car crashes in the middle of the road with two people inside the car, the two people are critically injured and the car is bady damaged. The ambulance arrives, but it is going too fast and crashes into the damaged car. The car blows up and causes the ambulance to flip on its side. A passer-by, while walking on the sidewalk is toppled, by the force of the explosion, into the river beside the road. Unfortunately he cannot swim and is drowning in the river. Another man runs out of a house screaming, and shouts that his wife is pregnant and about to have her baby any second now. "What would you do in this situation?", the interviewer asked.The recruit looks around the office and thinks for a while... he replies, "I'd take off my uniform and disappear into the crowd!"

Two lawyers walking through the woods........

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "Are you crazy? You'll never be able to outrun that bear!""I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

Precious pottery........

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor. "Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars." "It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot. "For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it." "I won't do it," said the proprietor firmly."That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."

If only life could be like a computer ........

If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary.
You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.
And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to you.

FUNNY QUOTES BY MARK TWAIN........
"The report of my death was an exaggeration."
"They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy; foreigners always spell better than they pronounce."
"The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money."
"Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet."
"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years."
"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. "
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce."
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in thechair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, thistime killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how youcan still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.
Nahh" said the bloke,
"I'm just a really bad conductor"

DRUNK DRIVING STORIES.......
Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!""No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?""Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."

The Wisdom Of Our Time . . .

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floorwithout holding on.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of 'smart'?

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fundo they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple.The other two it's an amusement park.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKESUSE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything,but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and DriveYou might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeedskydiving is not for you.

Reality is only an illusionthat occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses............................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ..................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ..................termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but .....................How?
6. Don't bite the hand that .............................looks dirty.
7. No news is ..............................impossible
8. A miss is as good as a ..............Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ..................Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ...............stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ......................Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ................pigs.
13. An idle mind is .......................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ...............pollution.
15. Happy the bride who ...................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ........................not much.
17. Two's company, three's ...............the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ..........you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ...........You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ...................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ...........spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ..............get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ............See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind ...........get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand ..................is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than ........................Pregnant

Graveside Service ........

When the graveside service had no more than just finished, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder, and more lightning. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

Nurses Revenge......
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth."No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room."What's going on here?" asked the doctor.Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

Cross-eyed Dog.......
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?" "Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes. "Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man. "No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

How To Clean A Cat......
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.
7. Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.
8. The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK........
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People are always available for work in the past tense.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

WHO KNEW????

Eliminate ear mites. All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear...Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Kills fleas instantly...Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Good-bye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor ..Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Did You Know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional 'pain relievers.'

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.
Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-- even though the product was never been advertised for this use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes ... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus. Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer ... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover. Just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure ..cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters... To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine. a powerful antiseptic.

Vinegar to heal bruises ... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief... It's not for breakfast any more! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

Senior Car Jacking.......

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why... For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat! A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

Did you ever wonder?

Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

How did you feel about this course. . . .

This was taken from MIT's Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991The Best and Worst Comments Received:
"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
"In class, the syllabus is more important than you are."
"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
"Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."
"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame"
"Textbook is confusing...someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."
"Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the way I felt all term."
"This class was a religious experience for me...I had to take it all on faith."
"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries
to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."
"Problems sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."
"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing--It's a great stress reliever."
"He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."
"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree."
"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."
"TA steadily improved throughout the course...I think he started drinking
and it really loosened him up."
"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose--spraying in all directions--no way to stop it."
"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem sets"
"What's the quality of the text? 'Text is printed on high quality paper.'
"The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered on the final exam."

Alligator Shoes..........

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own alligator!"To which the shopkeeper replied, "By all means, just watch out for the two rednecks who are doing the same!”So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. "They must be the two rednecks," he thought.Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The redneck stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the lad, the redneck struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laid. Together the two rednecks threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed..."Dang! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"

You want me to do what?

10 Signs Your Amish Teen's In Trouble........

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

What a Parent Knows the True Meaning of:
THE PARENTS' DICTIONARY.......

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house

Cats In Heaven........
A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."
To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"

NewsGator Online

NewsGator Online
"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."

THIS IS CUTE!!!!!!
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"