thanks

Subject: My Christmas Letter




My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the
time and
trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for
making
me feel safe, secure, blessed,
and wealthy.

Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get
to the message.

Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in
the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel
every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of
your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who
make these products are atheists who won't put "Under God" on their
cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no
longer check the coin return on pay phones because
I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS
or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive
my free
replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I
now
have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214
angels
looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I
receive the
$15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me
for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will
now
return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on
your
head at 5:00 PM (CDT). I know this will occur because it actually
happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's