THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
Your Clothes:1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYNconfirms your pregnancy.2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. _____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,breathing didn't do a thing.3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month. ______________________________________________________
The Layette:1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them,andfold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discardonly the ones with the darkest stains.3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
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Worries:1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick upthe baby.2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake yourfirstborn.3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
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Pacifier:1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
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Diapering:1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
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Activities:1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
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Going Out:1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
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At Home:1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
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Swallowing Coins (a favorite):1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
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Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . . or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children . . (The older the mother, the funnier this is!)

GRANDCHILDREN:God's reward for allowing your children to live!

"Worry doesn't help tomorrows troubles, but it does ruin today's happiness"

Deep thoughts for those who take life way too seriously:
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like .. Night
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience us usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
15. Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
.21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates .. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

I recently picked a new primary care physician.After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?""Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy.""Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?""No, I don't," I said.He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?""No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"

YOUR GIGGLES FOR THE DAY; MARRIED PEOPLE WILL TRULY RELATE!!

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine.

"When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son.

"Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.

"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and for Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies,
"If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."
*******************
A Texas State trooper pulled over a Oklahoma pickup on I-35. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout' whut?"

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).
He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.
Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.
Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (andbecoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING.

Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, withthe burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop.
The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
The dogstops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy.

And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay. . .doing fine.

SOMETIMES KIDS ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO MAKE SENSE!!!
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see alitter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informedhis mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother asked."Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," hereplied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the rightfoot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."He ! looked up at her with a raised brow and said,"Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!" On the first day of school, about midmorning, thekindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go tothe bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice fromthe back of the room asked, "How will that help?" A mother and her young son returned from the grocerystore and began putting away the groceries.. The boy openedthe box of animal crackers and spread them all over thetable. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken," the boyexplained. "I'm looking for the seal."After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "WhenI grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because mydaddy says you're the poorest preacher we've ever had."

1-----I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
2--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
3--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
4--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
5--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
6--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
7--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
8---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
9--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
10---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
11---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
12---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
13---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
14---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
15---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
16---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
17---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!
18--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
19- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Apples & Wine
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of thetree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they areafraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at thetop think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they'reamazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, theone who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.Share this with women who are good apples, even those who have alreadybeen picked!Now Men....Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into somethingacceptable to have dinner with.

At a recent computer

 At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
 In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):     1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.     2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.     3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,  shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could  continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.     4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a
left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.     5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was  reliable,  five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only  five percent of the roads.     6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all  be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"  warning light.     7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.     8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.     9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would
have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.     10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer
 
 

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. When one of these women get married, she brings with her, a dowry.

On her wedding night the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, or a donut shop in the United States.

Telemarketer Revenge
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I
answered it I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer". Not sounding
anything like my name, I asked who is calling. The telemarketer
said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or
something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and
why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get
some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears", I
then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had
entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had
already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to
testify in this murder case. I questioned the caller at great
length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who
he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he
had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer
was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky
voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police
were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I
heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. My wife
asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down
my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen
minutes. My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long
time.

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!""And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

A Catholic Priest was about to leave his Mission in the jungles, where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other. "How could you kill these people in cold blood that way"?

The chief replied, "My bike."

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

Dearest Redneck Son,I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home,so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week... the first time for three days and the second time for four days.About that coat you wanted me to send... your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven''t found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated. He burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. You brother two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your favorite aunt,

Mom

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a new model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.My fuel rate burns inefficiently.But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

test

Love making tips for seniors

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 2 minutes, just in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand just in case you can't remember.
6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready just in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice. ***************


A South American Scientist, from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with not enough sexual activities read their e- mails with their right hand on the mouse..

Don't bother taking it off, it's too late......

Give till it hurts!

It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life

So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.A more true Friend you will never find. Thank You so much!

These have to be original and genuine - no adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

test

BATH TUB TEST:
During a visit to the mental hospital, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

The tie....
A fleeing taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."The Arab shouted, "You idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!""OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "But your brother won't let me in without a tie." The Arab shouted, "You idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!""OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "But your brother won't let me in without a tie."

Two Minnesotans ........

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up der. The
owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis
looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute who's been to the pet shop too, arrives at the cliffs. He walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag and a shotgun. "Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the
edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot and continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Larson appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag and pulls out a chicken. Larson grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls himself off
the cliff and disappears down and down and hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Ole shakes his head...."First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting, and now Larson hengliding ..."

THE LEPRECHAUN
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life." A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need ca! sh, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK." "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well," says the golfer,
"I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.
" THE LEPRECHAUN in a small parish."

This is cute

Dear Husband:I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your EX-WifeDear Ex-WifeNothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

BLONDE GOES ICE FISHING……
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she headed for the ice.After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.Again from the heaven the voice bellowed,"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK." A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she headed for the ice.After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.Again from the heaven the voice bellowed,"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.The voice came once more "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

IS UNDERWEAR IMPORTANT?
Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray. Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of
a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into
an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking
lady, (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes
a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

<><><><><><><>

Getting Old

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two
gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new
restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one
that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went
to last night?"

<><><><><><><>

Getting Old

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being
discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at
his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting
him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown."


----------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------


When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath
away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her
"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
later, she became his stepmother.

---------------------------------------------------
Subject: T.G.I.F.

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde
already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at
her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to keep it
friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as
possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
"'T-G-I-F' means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?" The man
answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday"

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? ____________________________________________ And the best for last ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages And fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

With Unwanted Burdens Come underserved BLESSINGS!!
In Dallas,TX, at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini-skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more,and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more,and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic, and turned to the would-beSamaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am,normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Another first for the Italians!!!

A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman empire ."
And so on and so on....... until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

The tie....
A fleeing taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."The Arab shouted, "You idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!""OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie.
I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill.
Could you not find it?
"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "But your brother won't let me in without a tie."

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tearsthinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?". "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ... "I would have gotten out today." Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tearsthinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?". "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ... "I would have gotten out today."

Advice for the ladies.........decades too late!!
If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section Buy a dog.
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you Buy a dog.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it Buy a dog
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want Buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies Buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores Buy a dog.. If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually Buy a dog.
But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...

Then............... Buy a cat!

(You thought I was talking about a man didn't you?)

STARE INTO THE CAT'S EYES FOR 30 SECONDS

NOW SCROLL DOWN

THANK YOU YOUR CAT - SCAN IS NOW COMPLETE
TEEHEEHEE

*That will be $1500 please!
CASH ONLY!

This is a good one!!!!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and A credit-card-bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to the bank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank: "Excuse me?" i..
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." Supervisor gets on the phone.
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After they get the fax:
Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death . I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

The Final Geico Commercial........

Now where can I find that damned duck?

Nine Months Later..............

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night."I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.""Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll begone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a greatweekend of skiing.About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutesto figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?""Yes, I do.""Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?""Yes," Bob said,! a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did.""And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!

These will start your day with a smile...........

Mother & Daughter:
The mother of a 17-yearold girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!**********************************************
A Sign Of Change:
There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking.
One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"The first man asked, "What do you mean you THINK she is dead?"The second explained, "Well...the sex is the same but the dishes are
starting to pile up."
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The Plane:
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese.""No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?""You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!""No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.""Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces."Why not?" asks the captain.“Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds."Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!""Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"

“6TH Grade Science Teacher”

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!". She then sat down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again: "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy.", then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
Firstly, you have a dirty mind.
Secondly, you didn't read your homework.
And thirdly, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.

LISTEN TO DR. PHIL...........

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we allcould use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice, I heard ona Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed,"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn'tfinished, so, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottleof Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle ofKahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valiumprescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box ofchocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this onto those you feel may be in need of inner peace.

For more of these cartoons click on the following site:

http://cartoonbox.slate.com/hottopic/?topicid=30&image=0&GT1=7932

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVERby then. -- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yellingat the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to knoweach other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7
(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8
(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10

How Life Works
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "you asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep; play and enjoy ourselves.For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Logic

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes."Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math,English, history, and Logic."Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?""Yeah.""Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.""That's true, I do have a yard.""I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I ink logically that you would have a house.""Yes, I do have a house.""And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.""I have a family.""I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.""Yes, I do have a wife.""And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.""I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic."Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."

We All need a good l

We All need a good laugh!!
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open!"

Why, Why, Why ?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on yourfirst try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?"
Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay-- then it's you!

RED SKELTONS RECIPE

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a  little beverage, good food and companionship.She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.2. We also sleep in separate beds.   Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.3. I take my wife everywhere........but she keeps finding her way back.4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.So I suggested the kitchen.5. We always hold hands.     If I let go, she shops.6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place  to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.   I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.   Then the mud fell off.9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.    I don't like to interrupt her.13. The last fight was my fault though.     My wife asked "What's on the TV?"    I said "Dust!"Can't you just hear him say all of these?    I love it.........this is the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word........ just clean and simple fun.   Have a good day and a better tomorrow.