Finally It's Done! Something I have been waiting for has finally happened! You can expect to hear from me even more frequently now! I finally got the bathroom remodeled!

This gives new meaning to "Going Online"...

My men are very brave......

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?""Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.""I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too.""I'd like to see that."So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!""Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idioy! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

The results of a study.....

About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and 84% wish they didn't have to.

Arriving home very drunk......

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

CLICK ON PICTURE TO ENLARGE AND THEN ARROW BACK......

Dog For Sale*Free to good home.*Excellent guard dog.*Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

Horse Keeping......

A lady wanted to board her horse. The first farmer she asked said he would keep it at $25 a day, plus he would keep the manure.
She thought that was too high and went to another farmer. His price was $20 per day plus he would get to keep the manure.
Then she went to a third farmer who asked just $5 a day.
The lady asked, "Don't you want to keep the manure?"
The farmer said, "At $5 a day, there won't be any!"

The Atheist......

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. " What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he walked along side the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. Looking over his shoulder again, the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike. At that instant the atheist cried out, without thinking, "Oh my God! ... " Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to now count you as a believer? " The atheist looked directly into the light and answered, "It would be hypocritical for me to be a Christian after all these years; but, perhaps, you could make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The River ran again. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ... brought both paws together ... bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

SENIOR WHEELIES.........

HOW WELL DOES COLD WATER CLEAN?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather....are these plates clean? His grandfather replied.... those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal. That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks...so he asked again......are you sure these plates are clean? Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says.....I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore! Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a near by town. As he was leaving, Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass.... Grandfather, your dog won't let me out. Without diverting his attention from the football game he waswatching, Grandfather shouted, COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!!

Secret to a long Marriage.....

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestictranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporterwas inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage."Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited theGrand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule.We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said,'That's once.'We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wifequietly said, 'That's twice.' Hadn't gone a half- mile when the mulestumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocketand shot the mule dead. I started to yell at her for her treatment of themule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once."

Ponderings collection 27.......

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Corduroy pillows: they're making headlines!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Newspaper Bloopers........

After 24-48 hours’ filtration, the pool becomes so clear that when the water is calm you can read ‘head’ or ‘tails’ on a dime lying 8 feet below the surface.
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.
At the tea party, Mrs. Smyth and Mrs. Jarvis poured at both ends.
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.
Crack Found on Governors Daughter.
Death In The Ring: Most boxers are not the same afterward.
Eaton’s ad for brassieres: ‘In the event these best sellers are gone, we’ll provide a rain check.”
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.
Fire officials grilled over kerosene heaters.
For Sale: Registered Jersey cow, giving three gallons of milk, two tons of hay, a number of chickens and a cook stove.
Fresh B.C. Atlantic fillets.
Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation.
He is the President of the Southwestern Irritated Cotton Growers.
He remarked in all seriousness that it was hereditary in his family to have no children.
He returned to his duties Monday after several weeks’ absence due to his death.
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It Could Last Awhile.
If the baby does not thrive on fresh milk, it should be boiled.
If you use lemon juice, squeeze it from fresh oranges.
In the kitchen, she put on water for a few sandwiches.
Iraqi head seeks arms.
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
John Redekop was arrested Saturday by Calgary Police on a charge of drinking while intoxicated.
Just before the court sentence, Mr. Williams was asked if he had anything to say. In a calm voice, and without the least sign of emotion, he said nothing.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in Ten Years.
Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice.
Legislators tax brains to cut deficit.
Lettuce won’t turn brown if you put your head in a plastic bag before placing it in the refrigerator.Local high school drop-outs cut in half.

A mental hospital........

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office."Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.""Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Top ten ways to annoy your waiter...........
From the Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor.
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.

Ultra dumb people 01..........

The incredibly dumbAn Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

There was just a dog fight.........
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?""Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?""Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him...""What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?""Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

Bumper stickers 16.........

"All generalizations are false.""Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle.""Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death""Cover me. I'm changing lanes.""The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.""Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep""Work is for people who don't know how to fish""Montana --- At least our cows are sane!""I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

Lightbulb joke........

Q: How many people at a London Vegans meeting does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: All thirty. Well, actually it's only one, but he has to wait at least half an hour while the others read out all the announcements.

The Border......

A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars. He naturally got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.
This went on every day for the nest month. Each time he'd stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he'd find only sand.
A few years later, he ran into the biker in a restaurant in Tijuana. After some small talk he said, "Come on . I know you were smuggling something all that time. I won't tell. I'm just curious. What was it?"
The other man said, "Bicycles."

Afraid Of The Dark......

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

Adopted Turtle.......

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

Signs and notices.........

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.
Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12"
A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow."
Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)."
Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

ROAD TO NOWHERE............

Bird brain......
One day a man strolled in to the paint section of a hardware store and walked up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary colored paint," he says. "Sure" the clerk replies. "Mind if I ask what it's for?" "My parakeet, "the man said. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so beautifully he is sure to win." "Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will surely kill the poor thing!" "No they won't," says the customer. "Listen, buddy, I'll bet you twenty bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him." "You're on" said the customer. Two days later the man walks back in the store and very sheepishly lays $20 on the counter. "So the paint killed him?" asked the clerk. "Indirectly," the man said. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but I think the sanding between coats did him in."

Sunday Drive.......

Two elderly women were out for a Sunday drive in a large car and both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in thepassenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn wejust went through a red light".
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was redagain, and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light hadbeen red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was gettingnervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the nextintersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and theywent right through, and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Didyou know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killedus!"
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

Pregnancy Exam......

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this without a a magnifying glass, come back and see me."

Headhunters!
A missionary was going in to the most remote section of Africa. He found a native that would take him upstream to a tribe of headhunters cut off from civilization. In the distance they could hear drums. "What is that drumming?" he asked nervously. The native replied, "Drums okay, but if they stop it would be very bad".
The drums continued for 3 days as they got closer to the headhunters' village. Then without warning the drums suddenly stopped. The forest fell eerily silent. With panic in his voice, the missionary calls out to the guide, "The drums have stopped! What happens now?" The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and with despair in his voice, answered, "Tuba solo."

Sweet Cheeks.....

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told her husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Stevie and Tiger......

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods meet at a fund raiser. Woods turns to Wonderand says: "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, Ineed to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, thenext time I play, it seems to be all right.
Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you'reblind?"
Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of thefairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and playthe ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddymoves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play theball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I getmy caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with hishead on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a roundsometime."
Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I onlyplay for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when wouldyou like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."

Fire!
There was a Texas oil tycoon who was watching his largest oil well going up in flames. He called in the best fire fighting equipment money could buy but there was no way they could get close enough to the intense flames to reach them with their water hose. Finally, out of desperation, he called the local volunteer fire department. They chugged up in their 1946 truck and passed every one of the state of the art rigs and headed toward the center of the fire. They stopped, jumped out, sprayed each other down with water, and then proceeded to put out the fire. When they were finally finished, the millionaire was so impressed with the crew's dedication and bravery, he awarded the chief with a check for $10,000. Later, a reporter asked the chief what he was going to do with the money. The chief replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix those lousy brakes!!"

A man owned a small farm in Iowa...
The Iowa State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper
wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years".
"I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board".
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board".
"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here".
"He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night".
"He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.

Ponderings collection 08........
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do blind eskimoes heave seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do radioactve cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?

New To Football.......

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.“I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,” she said.“What do you mean?” he asked.“Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’”

Good Money for Empty Cans.......

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

From our home here on the Longview Hill, we the Burke family wish everyone a very Happy Easter. That all are blessed to have love ones in your circle of family and may that circle always be there. Family is one of the most important items we must hang on to. Call a family member today that you have been meaning to call, but never did. Make that circle alittle bigger. Happy Easter!!!!!

A bit of Easter humor........
As my family prepared for Easter Sunday this week, they prepped my 4-year-old niece for the upcoming excitement:"Iayah, the Easter Bunny is coming here on Sunday!" Iayah responded in fright: "Where is he coming?" "He's coming here," they said. "He can't come to my house!" she exclaimed with wide eyes. "But, he's bringing you candy!" "You tell him to leave it outside!"This story was too funny to keep to myself. First off, Iayah keeps us laughing consistently with her humorous improv as she learns more about the world and reveals her intelligence. But she often causes us to sit back and think about her revealing words: This Easter Bunny idea is a little absurd, don’t you think? Because of our marketing-intensive society, we don't give it a second thought to promote that a 6-foot tall, hairy rabbit is coming to our house to see our kids. But, here, little innocent Iayah reminds us how bizarre this idea is! How funny!Have a wonderful Easter Sunday with your children and grandchildren!

A Mormon........

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

The Magician......

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do thesame tricks over and over again.There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show."Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot wasby his side.They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up.What'd you do with the boat?"

The Cab Driver.......

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years".

Last Respects.......

At a motivational seminar 3 men are asked to come up to the stage.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Milk Money......

An art connoisseur passed a little grocery in New York when he noticed a kitten on the front step lapping up some milk in a bowl. The cat was mangy with one ear half chewed off and clumps of fur missing. What really caught the collectors eye was the bowl the kitten was drinking from. It was a rare antique worth thousands. He walks in the store and offers $20.00 for the cat. "He's not for sale." Says the store owner. "That's ridiculous!" Says the collector. "He is one of the ugliest cats I've seen. He must be for sale. I'll give you $100.00 for him." The store owner thought for a second and said "It's a deal." The connoisseur hands the store owner the money, which he quickly pockets, and as he starts out the store asks "For that price I'm sure you wont mind sending that old bowl with him. He seems so happy drinking from it." The store owner says " No way. That's my lucky bowl. From that bowl I've sold 26 cats this week!"

The Ugly Duckling.......

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try theirbest to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on aduck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comesSt. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely uglyman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the firstwoman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for alleternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, dark hair, and muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to youfor all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Say What?
There was an elderly man visiting a doctor for his check-up. As he was leaving he asked the doctor if he could recommend a specialist for his wife. "What's wrong with her?" asked the doctor. The old man explained that her hearing was getting so bad that it was almost embarrassing. The doctor said he knew of several specialists that could help but he wanted the old man to do a little test when he got home to help the doctor determine the severity of her hearing loss. The doctor said "When you get home, make sure your wife's back is turned to you and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond walk closer and ask her again. Keep doing this until she answers and let me know the results".
That night when the old man opened the door of his home he could see his wife in the kitchen preparing dinner. She was at the counter with her back to the door. "What's for dinner?" the old man asked. His wife did not respond so he walks to the doorway of the kitchen and asked the question again. Still, he was greeted with silence. This time he walks up just behind her and asks once again "What's for dinner?" His wife spins around a bit agitated and says "For the third time, Fried Chicken!!"

The Race.......
There was a man named Cletus that lived in a small town with only one traffic light. Cletus had saved up his money and bought a mo-ped. One day Cletus was at the light waiting for it to turn green when a shiny new Corvette convertible pulled up next to him. Cletus had never seen anything like this in his life. The Corvette had its top down so Cletus leans over the side of the car and starts checking out the interior. This annoys the driver of the vette so when the light turns green he steps on the gas, laying down rubber as he leaves the intersection. He gets up to 60mph when suddenly Cletus flies by him on his mo-ped. The driver of the vette says to himself "This clown wants to race". Shifting into 4th gear he steps on the gas again. He leaves Cletus in his dust as he gets up to 100mph. Then out of nowhere he sees Cletus coming up fast in his rear view mirror. He can't believe it as Cletus flies by him again on his mo-ped. The driver of the vette shifts into 6th gear and floors it. He passes Cletus and gets up to 150mph! Once again, Cletus passes him like he's standing still. Shocked, the driver of the vette pulls over to the side of the road. He hears gravel flying and brakes squalling as Cletus pulls up next to him. The driver of the vette congratulates Cletus on winning the race and asks him what kind of an engine he has in his mo-ped. Puzzled Cletus replied "Race? I was just trying to get my suspenders off of your side-view mirror."

Big Family........
Flying home from France on a recent trip I noticed a rather haggard looking mom walking into the customs area with eight children-- all under age 10. Collecting their many suitcases, the nine of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the large entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?'' ''Yes, sir,'' the lady said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.'' The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or drugs in your possession?'' ''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''

Grandma.......
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her,hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her,fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking alovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later,the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home."So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?""It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me pass gas."

Mental hospital.......
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is." The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

Two cowboys.......
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

Test Time.......

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.” Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. “Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.” “So, everyone knows that he was the first president.” “Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’ Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.” “Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny. “Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I don't know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’.”

Writers cramp.......

An old television star who's show has been on for years and was recently cancelled runs into a news reporter on the street. "Do you personally answer the hundreds of letters of adoration that have been pouring into the studio everyday demanding that your show be renewed?" asks the reporter. "Goodness No!" replied the actor, "I hardly have time to write them."

At the movies.......
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe", he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"

GREAT HOUSE PET!!!!!

Now that's anger.......
A little girl who was writing a school paper asked her father, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" "It's mostly a matter of degree." the dad replied. " Let me show you what I mean". With that the dad picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. A man answered the phone and the dad says, "Hello, is Homer there?" The man on the other end answered, "I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number. There's nobody here by that name." The father hangs up and immediately hits redial, "Hello, is Homer there?" asks the father. "Now listen up buddy, there's nobody here by that name so quit bothering me!" The dad listens as the man slams the phone down. You see, says the dad, he is starting to get angry. He hits redial and a loud voice comes on the line. "HELLO!" the man yells. "Yes, is Homer there? asks the father calmly. "Are you crazy?" the man screams, " I told you Homer doesn't live here so don't call back again!" then he slams the phone down again. "Did you hear that?" the father asked the little girl, "Now that is what anger sounds like." "Now you're going to hear exasperation." He picked the phone up and hit redial again. "HELLO!" boomed the voice on the other end. "Hello" the dad says politely, "This is Homer, have I had any calls?"

The Robber....
A robber was robbing a house. All of a sudden someone said, "Jesus is watching you!" "What? Oh well," said the robber and he went back to work. When he started to pick up the VCR, he heard the voice again, "Jesus is watching you!" it said again. This time the robber pointed his flashlight at the voice and asked, "Who said that?" It was a parrot. "I'm Moses," said the parrot. "Who in the world would name you Moses?" asked the robber. The parrot answered, "The same man that named the pitbull in the corner Jesus!"

Old Blue......
A man was opening a wildlife park and was needing a bear for an exhibit. He called some hunters and asked them if they could recommend someone who specialized in taking big game alive. They told him about a man that was a little unorthodox but the best in the business. He called the specialist and made arrangements to meet him at a spot in the woods where a bear had recently been spotted. After waiting a while an old beat up pickup backed in next to him. An old man jumped out and started unloading an unusual assortment of items. He took out a feather, some rope, a gun, and an old hunting dog. 'What are you going to do with all of this? Asked the park owner. "Well this is Old Blue," the old man said referring to the dog, " He's the best tracking dog there ever was. He is going to track the bear down and run him up a tree. Then I'm going to climb the tree with this feather and start tickling the bear. That will loosen his grip and he will fall out of the tree. Old Blue is trained to lunge between his legs as soon as he hits the ground and bite down with all of his might. The bear will throw his arms up in pain. That's when you take the rope and tie him up and we've got him." The old man said. "Wait a minute" Said the park owner. I want to take the bear alive. What's the gun for?" The old man looks at the gun and says "That's in case the bear knocks me out of the tree first.........then you shoot Old Blue!"

Here are some Irish funnies for St. Patty's Day.......
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twentyyears, but he will kill any man who does.
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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.Quinn thinks Murphy's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
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An American lawyer asked, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?''Who told you that?' asked Paddy.
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Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?Answer - So the English can understand them.
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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.''That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
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Irish lass customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?'Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'
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Mrs.. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?''No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
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Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock inthe morning. I can't break her of it.Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home .
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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.. 'Quick!' He said.'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!''Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.
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'O'Ryan,' asked the druggist, 'did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?''It did surely,' replied O'Ryan, 'but it keeps fallin' off!'

ROUGH LIFE......

Irish Smiles.......
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?" "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple? Answer - So the English can understand them.
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?" Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home .
"O' Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O' Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs

THE TEACHER.......
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week. "Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark." The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room." About half the class rose and came forward. "The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

Two men went bear hunting........

While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

Clear Day - Married 43 years......

After being married for 43 years, Bob took a careful look at his wife one day and said, 'Honey, 46 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 20-year-old gal.
Now I have a $700,000+ home, a $55,000.00 car, nice big bed and big screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.' Bob's wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told Bob to go out and find a hot 20-year-old gal, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis..

THE BLANKET........

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering, if you could possibly pass me another blanket.” The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea... let’s pretend we’re married.” “Why not,” giggles the woman. “Good,” he replies. “Get your own blanket!”

Cowboy Smarts........

A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. Now ... give me back my dog."

Stop or slow down......

A lawyer got pulled over, the policeman said; license and registration sir. The lawyer just knowing he was smarter than the policeman, was going to have some fun He said; Officer why did you pull me over? The policeman said; For running the stop sign, license and registration sir. Lawyer: Well, I slowed down, there was nothing coming. The officer said; Slow down is not stop, you ran a stop sign, it is the law, license and registration sir ! Lawyer: If you can show me the difference between slow and stop and the benefits I'll be glad to show you my license and registration officer. Officer: Step out of the car sir. The lawyer smugly eased out of his car and the officer whipped out his night stick and started smacking the lawyer all over his head and body in short rapid swats, He said; NOW, do you want me to stop or just SLOW DOWN ?

BIRD WATCHER AT IT'S BEST......

Extract Wisdom Tooth .....

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." "That's still too expensive," the man says. "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

Doctor doctor collection......

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.Are you choking?No, I really did!
Doctor, Doctor I think I need glassesYou certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?Use a pencil till I get there
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!Didn't I see you yesterday? Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?Yes - here's a kite! Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!Stick your foot out and trip it up!

The laws of golf.......
LAW1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
AW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset

Cat technical support problems.......
This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.Well, one day we got a service call that said, "Cat caught in machine, come quick!"When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.

half house for sale......

the ouch couch.......

Real advertisements 06.......

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.