SUCH BEAUTY......

Bank Basics.........

Finally, our last mortgage payment. To make a ceremony of it, we went to the bank and paid in person. The teller processed everything and handed me the closing papers.
Heading for the door, I suddenly remembered a rebate check I'd brought along to cash.
I went back to the same teller. "Sorry, we can't do that," she explained. "You don't have an account here."

A DOG'S PRAYER......

Treat me kindly, my beloved master, for no heart in all the world is more grateful for kindness than the loving heart of me. Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I should lick your hand between the blows, your patience and understanding will more quickly teach me the things you would have me do. Speak to me often, for your voice is the world's sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep falls upon my waiting ear. When it is cold and wet, please take me inside, for I am now a domesticated animal, no longer used to bitter elements, and I ask no greater glory than the privilege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth... though had you no home, I would rather follow you through ice and snow than rest upon the softest pillow in the warmest home in all the land, for you are my god and I am your devoted worshiper. Keep my pan filled with fresh water, for although I should not reproach you were it dry, I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst. Feed me clean food, that I may stay well, to romp and play and do your bidding, to walk by your side, and stand ready, willing and able to protect you with my life, should your life be in danger. And, beloved master, should the Great Master see fit to deprive me of my health or sight, do not turn me away from you. Rather hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful boon of eternal rest... and I will leave you knowing with the last breath I drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands.
by Beth Harris

Good advice......
1.Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on thesame night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be"meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
9. Never lick a steak knife.
10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
11. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
12. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
13. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
14. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not inthem.
16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
17. Your friends love you anyway. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

India......

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads called a bindi. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington DC.. When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the U.S.. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice for one of the many Customer Relations services located in the States. Just thought you would like to know.

Real classified ads 04.......

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN.
FREE. CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME.

Animal Crackers......
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal." Christmas Story.........
A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents. As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! "And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
Momma said ...........
I was nearing the final stages of my college preparation to become an elementary school teacher. During my Junior Year we were required to visit several classrooms of varying grades to get a feel for what we were getting ourselves into. Males in elementary education are a rarity and I soon learned that the children thought it was really neat to see a male at school that was not the principal. I will never forget my first visit to a kindergarten class room. These little tots were dying to ask me questions and tell me things about themselves. One little boy raised his hand and I went over to him. He VERY seriously said, "My granddaddy is going to kill himself." Caught COMPLETELY off guard, I struggled for what to say to him. I finally managed, "I'm sure he's not gonna kill himself." He replied, "Oh yes he is...Momma said if he doesn't quit lifting things that are too heavy, he's gonna kill himself."
Universal Time......
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open. "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call. Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Einstein's Speech.......
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

DOCTOR HUMOR.......

Did you ever have this before?
Doctor: Have you ever had this before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you've got it again!

*****************

My son swallowed the can opener.......
Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!
Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?!
The toast is getting cold!

*****************

My wife is beating me.......
David: My wife beats me, doctor.
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
David: Every time we play Scrabble!

*****************

Get me an ambulance now......
A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.
Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!
Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!

Marriage quotes 02.........

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married! There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

click on picture to enlarge, then arrow back.

Dog and Cat Diaries.........

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
Day number 180
08:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!
Day number 181
8:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!5:30 pm - Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!
Day number 182
8:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.
Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ...

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid agruments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by
using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins.
Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll
be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't
move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use
the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily thought: Some people are like slinkies - not really good for
anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the
stairs.

HIGH GASOLINE PRICES.... $4.00 per gallon is already here for some!!!!Gasoline prices are totally out of control ......

Start to Re-Train YOUR vehicles TODAY.

Better late than never.....
A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside committal service at a small country cemetery in Iowa. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left in Iowa. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.
After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workmen were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service in its entirety. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Maybe we'd better tell him that's the septic tank."

High Octane.......

"Do you know what I just heard?" said my husband, Raymond, looking up from the TV. "Researchers in Brazil have discovered a new use for coffee. They've figured out a way to use the beans to make biofuel."He paused. "I guess that means someday we'll pull up to the gas pump and have to choose between regular and decaf."

Computer Jokes........

While getting dressed one morning, I decided I'd been spending too much time on my computer: I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my makeup mirror to see what time it was.

Teachers vs. Educators.......

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 14-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then, there are educators

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.......

While shopping in a food store, two Nuns happened to pass by the beer section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second Nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she wouldn't feel comfortable about buying it. The first Nun replied that shecould handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.The cashier had a surprised look on his face, so the Nun said, 'We use beer for washing our hair....a sort of shampoo if you will.' Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a bag pretzels and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then lookedthe Nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, 'The curlers are on the house.'

Just an E-mail Note......

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

How Old Are You......

A little girl and her mother were out and about. Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older." The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up." The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything." Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again. The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old." The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds." "Where did you learn that?" The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

Activities of the retired.......

I met a guy who was over sixty-five. I asked, "What do you old guys do with your time now that you're retired?"

"Well," he answered, " I have a friend who has a chemical engineering background and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, bourbon, wine, and martinis into urine.
And, after a lot of practice, we're pretty damn good at it!!"

click on picture to enlarge, then arrow back.

Lottery Winner.....

A man comes home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey pack your bags, I won the lottery"!!!!! "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy!! "Should I pack for the ocean, a safari, or for the mountains?, asks the wife "I don't care", he says, "Just get out."

Bug Attack.....

Heading down the interstate, our car passed through a huge swarm of gnats so dense that their bodies made popping noises as they hit the windshield. "I can't get over how loud they are," my wife said.
"Well, we are hitting them at 65 miles an hour," I pointed out.
Her reply left me speechless. "I didn't know bugs could fly that fast."

Father Fatigue.......

The dad in the supermarket clearly had a bad case of parental burnout. His toddler would not sit down in the grocery cart, and finally he snapped.
"If you fall and break your leg," he scolded her, "don't come running to me."

Spin Cycle.......

I noticed my roommate studying the settings on our washing machine. There were three icons: a sheep for woolens, a cotton ball for cottons and a beaker for synthetics. "Problem?" I asked.
"Just wondering," he said. "If I were washing a sweater made from a cloned sheep, would I set it on wool or synthetics?"

WRONG WORD TO USE......

The Hypnotist at the Senior Center It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance,I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.' The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch .' The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. 'Shit,' said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the senior center.

Mexican Fire Extinguisher.......

Safety can be an out-of-the-way experience Mexico's after thought fire protection program “Typical fire extinguisher 'mounting' in Puerto Vallarta... Only fair they should use ashtrays as it will most likely be a nearby smoker who causes the fire. Pretty smart, really. Guess it would slow the response time somewhat though. In our 14 floor condo this was the ONLY fire protection except for a pull station at the elevator...”

A kid's view on marriage.......

What Exactly Is Marriage?"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years old
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years old
What Do Most People Do on a Date?"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years old
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old

Ponderings collection.........

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?

Up to Mom's Standards........

I had spent the week visiting my sister, and we expected our parents to arrive the next day. Early that morning I awoke to the noise of the vacuum cleaner. My sister was hard at work sweeping, dusting and cleaning windows. "What are you doing?" I asked sleepily, as she shoved a dust-cloth into my hand." Get to work. Mom and Dad will be here by noon." She raced into the kitchen and began mopping the floor. "The place looks great," I protested. "You cleaned it just before I got here." "Yes, but for you the house was sister clean," she replied, never breaking stride with her mop. "Now it has to be mother clean!" I started dusting.

Talking Dog.......

A man sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks." Yep," the mutt replies. " So, what's your story? "The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping." "I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But, the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down." "So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals." "Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.The owner says, "Ten dollars."The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap? "The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

Exercise.......

It is well documented that for every minute you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, when you're 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least:
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

WCATWC Information Statement - TW

SEAK71 PAAQ 201359
EQIAKX

TSUNAMI SEISMIC INFORMATION STATEMENT
NWS WEST COAST/ALASKA TSUNAMI WARNING CENTER PALMER AK
559 AM AKDT TUE MAY 20 2008

...THIS IS AN INFORMATION STATEMENT...

EVALUATION
AN EARTHQUAKE HAS OCCURRED WITH A MAGNITUDE SUCH THAT A TSUNAMI
IS NOT EXPECTED. IN COASTAL AREAS OF INTENSE SHAKING LOCALLY
GENERATED TSUNAMIS CAN BE TRIGGERED BY UNDERWATER LANDSLIDES.
THIS WILL BE THE ONLY WCATWC MESSAGE ISSUED FOR THIS EVENT.

PRELIMINARY EARTHQUAKE PARAMETERS
MAGNITUDE - 6.2
TIME - 0554 AKDT MAY 20 2008
0654 PDT MAY 20 2008
1354 UTC MAY 20 2008
LOCATION - 51.1 NORTH 178.6 EAST
30 MILES/48 KM SW OF AMCHITKA ALASKA
210 MILES/338 KM SW OF ADAK ALASKA
DEPTH - 22 MILES/36 KM

THE LOCATION AND MAGNITUDE ARE BASED ON PRELIMINARY INFORMATION.
FURTHER INFORMATION WILL BE ISSUED BY THE UNITED STATES
GEOLOGICAL SURVEY - EARTHQUAKE.USGS.GOV - OR THE APPROPRIATE
REGIONAL SEISMIC NETWORK.

$$

Miscellaneous.....

In search of a new shower, my wife and I went to a bathroom-supply store. We discussed our needs in detail with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion. Later my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same young woman was working as a waitress. As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a voice loud enough for nearby diners to hear, "Hey, you're the man who needs a shower."

Pain in the Back......

A patient limped into our University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill hospital with his girlfriend in tow. His back was killing him, and he wouldn't stop griping about his chiropractor.
"I could just wring his neck," he said angrily. "All that money, and he's nothing but a charlatan."
His girlfriend disagreed. "I thought he was from Raleigh."

Post Surgery.....

Our patient in the hospital was a big, burly former officer. Just after surgery, and still half out of it, he became agitated and confused, tearing at his IVs and trying to escape his bed. The nurses gamely attempted to keep him calm, but were losing this battle. That's when my old Air Force training came in handy.
"Colonel!" I commanded. "At ease."
And with that, the colonel fell back to sleep.

WCATWC Information Statement - TW

SEAK71 PAAQ 182024
EQIAKX

TSUNAMI SEISMIC INFORMATION STATEMENT
NWS WEST COAST/ALASKA TSUNAMI WARNING CENTER PALMER AK
1224 PM AKDT SUN MAY 18 2008

...THIS IS AN INFORMATION STATEMENT...

EVALUATION
AN EARTHQUAKE HAS OCCURRED WITH A MAGNITUDE SUCH THAT A TSUNAMI
WILL NOT BE GENERATED. THIS WILL BE THE ONLY WCATWC MESSAGE
ISSUED FOR THIS EVENT.

PRELIMINARY EARTHQUAKE PARAMETERS
MAGNITUDE - 4.3
TIME - 1218 AKDT MAY 18 2008
1318 PDT MAY 18 2008
2018 UTC MAY 18 2008
LOCATION - 66.1 NORTH 162.8 WEST
55 MILES/89 KM S OF KOTZEBUE ALASKA
135 MILES/217 KM NE OF NOME ALASKA
DEPTH - 12 MILES/20 KM

THE LOCATION AND MAGNITUDE ARE BASED ON PRELIMINARY INFORMATION.
FURTHER INFORMATION WILL BE ISSUED BY THE UNITED STATES
GEOLOGICAL SURVEY - EARTHQUAKE.USGS.GOV - OR THE APPROPRIATE
REGIONAL SEISMIC NETWORK.

$$

SIGNS.......

Sailor Shop (Kowloon): “Customers giving orders will be swiftly executed.”
Taxidermist's sign: “If called by a panther, don’t anther.”
Taxidermist's Window: “We really know our stuff.”
Teamwork sign: “Only dead fish swim with the stream.”
Termite Exterminator’s Office: “Termites never die – they just go on living happily ever rafter.”
Therapist’s Office: “Unshrinkingly yours.”
Tire Shop: “Invite us to your next blowout.”
Towing Company #1: “Call us at any hour. We’re always on our tows.”
Towing Company #2: “I go where I'm towed.”
Towing Company #3: “We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
Toy Store: “There’s no gift like the present.”
Tree Surgeon: “We go out on a limb for you.”
Truck (on right rear): “Pass on the right for that off-the-shoulder look.”
Truck sign: “Pass with care – I chew tobacco.”
Undertaker's Door: “We're the last one to let you down.”
Valentine’s Day “I Love You” Card: “Now available in multi-packs.”
Venetian Blind Dealer’s Car: “Watch Out! Blind Man Driving!”
Veterinarian Clinic #1: “Hospital Zone – No Barking.”
Veterinarian Clinic #2: “Meowy Christmas and Yappy New Year.”
Veterinarian’s Waiting Room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
Warning: “Quicksand: Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.”
Waterbed Shop: “Your vinyl resting place.”
Weight-reduction Store #1: “A word to the wides is sufficient.”
Weight-reduction Store #2: “Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we diet!”
Weight-reduction Store #3: “If you’re thin, don’t eat fast. If you’re fat, don’t eat – fast.”
Weight-reduction Store #4: “Stop! Look! Lessen!”
Weight-reduction Store #5: “Twenty-Four Shaping Days Till Christmas!”
Women’s Restroom #1: “A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.”
Women’s Restroom #2: “Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.”
Women’s Restroom #3: “The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.”
Women’s Restroom #4: “You're too good for him.”

Good advice.......
1.Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human racehas not achieved, and neverwill achieve, its full potential, that word would be"meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it tooseriously.
7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always oneindividual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Veryoften, that individual is crazy.
8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
9. Never lick a steak knife.
10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
11. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observedaylight savings time.
12. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
13. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people tomake a big deal about yourbirthday. That time is age eleven.
14. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep downinside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not inthem.
16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
17. Your friends love you anyway.Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that amateurs built the Ark.Professionals built the Titanic.

Ms. Black Thumb.......

There are people who have green thumbs. And then there's me, Ms. Black Thumb.
I didn't think anyone else noticed until the day my sister visited. "I found this in the yard," she said, handing me a potted plant as she came in the door. "I think the wind blew it off your deck."
"It wasn't the wind," my husband joked. "It jumped."

Test Drive..................

Purely on a whim, I test-drove a brand new Lexus convertible. "What do you think?" I asked my daughter.
She shook her head. "You're too short, Mom. You'd look like a Polly Pocket in a Barbie car."

Serious Splinter.........

"Ow!" I yelled. My hand had been stuck with a piece of wood from a wicker laundry basket. "I got a splinter under my fingernail," I called to my husband in the next room.
Ever the wise guy, he yelled back, "What were you doing, scratching your head?"

Doggie Decibels.......

At first it was funny. Whenever our mother played the piano, our poodle, Mollie, would sing along -- enthusiastically, in an earsplitting howl. We would all laugh, but after a while my dad couldn't take it any longer.
"For Pete's sake," he begged, "play something the dog doesn't know."

Aging Artifacts........

It's a good thing my mother-in-law has a sense of humor. During a family vacation, we were driving past the Dinosaur National Monument in eastern Utah, and she said, "I haven't been there since I was a little girl. I wonder how much it's changed."
"It's no longer a zoo," I said. "Now it's a museum."

Questionable Security.........

A computer-illiterate client called the help desk asking how to change her password.
"Okay," I said, after punching in a few keys. "Log in using the password 123456."
"Is that all in caps?" she asked.

Miscellaneous.....

After being on the phone forever with a customer who had been having difficulties with a computer program, a support technician at my mother's company turned in his report: "The problem resides between the keyboard and the chair."

Happy Birthday to all us young ones here at Longview Hills who had a Birthday, or having one now or will have one later. Just Happy Birthday to you!!!!!

Remember to have a bucket of water next to you to put out the fire.......

The Answering Machine
Creative answering machine messages
We're not home, we're rarely home, and when we're home, we're on the phone, so please leave a message at the tone!
Twinkle, twinkle little star How we wonder who you are. Leave a message at the beep. We'll call back before you sleep. Twinkle, twinkle little star, Betcha you're wondering where we are.
You have reached an answering machine. This is the new millenium. You know what to do. Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so talk to it instead. You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me. So, with that said, here are the detailed instructions for leaving a message for me........ You have reached ###-####.
We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work. Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you? Hi! David's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. Thank you for calling ###-####. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. (said very fast:)
Hi, this is ###-####. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and .....BEEP This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, just hang up. Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.
Thanks. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it... Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person. I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity. This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep. (For Shakespeare lovers) So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone, sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile.... I can't come to the phone now, so if...... well........ actually, I CAN come to the phone NOW, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but you're listening to it LATER, except, for you, I guess it's really NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like....ahhhh, just forget it.

WCATWC Information Statement - TW

SEAK71 PAAQ 121255
EQIAKX

TSUNAMI SEISMIC INFORMATION STATEMENT
NWS WEST COAST/ALASKA TSUNAMI WARNING CENTER PALMER AK
455 AM AKDT MON MAY 12 2008

...THIS IS AN INFORMATION STATEMENT...

EVALUATION
AN EARTHQUAKE HAS OCCURRED WITH A MAGNITUDE SUCH THAT A TSUNAMI
WILL NOT BE GENERATED. THIS WILL BE THE ONLY WCATWC MESSAGE
ISSUED FOR THIS EVENT.

PRELIMINARY EARTHQUAKE PARAMETERS
MAGNITUDE - 5.1
TIME - 0451 AKDT MAY 12 2008
0551 PDT MAY 12 2008
1251 UTC MAY 12 2008
LOCATION - 56.5 NORTH 153.1 WEST
90 MILES/145 KM SW OF KODIAK CITY ALASKA
345 MILES/555 KM SW OF ANCHORAGE ALASKA
DEPTH - 21 MILES/33 KM

THE LOCATION AND MAGNITUDE ARE BASED ON PRELIMINARY INFORMATION.
FURTHER INFORMATION WILL BE ISSUED BY THE UNITED STATES
GEOLOGICAL SURVEY - EARTHQUAKE.USGS.GOV - OR THE APPROPRIATE
REGIONAL SEISMIC NETWORK.

$$

Pretty Pennies.......

Q: Who invented copper wire?
A: Two tax attorneys fighting over a penny.

Shuteye Savings.......

We had been trying for a child for years, so I was ecstatic when I got up at five one morning, took a home pregnancy test and found I was expecting.
"Richard," I yelled to my husband, "we're going to have a baby!"
"Great," he said and rolled over.
"How can you go back to sleep?"
Muttering into his pillow, he said, "I'm stocking up."

First grade proverbs.......

A teacher asked her class of first graders to complete the second half of some well-known proverbs and here are the results:

As you shall make your bed, so shall you.... mess it up.
Better be safe than.... punch a fifth grader.
Strike while the.... bug is close.
It's always darkest before ....daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but ....how?
Don't bite the hand that.... looks dirty.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll ....stink in the morning.
An idle mind is the best way to....relax.
A penny saved is ....not much.
Two's company, three's ....the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ....you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not ....spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind....get out of the way

Aging gracefully?
An elderly persons thoughts on aging.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
If all is not lost, where is it?
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play cards?
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses....they're everywhere.
I started out with nothing.....I still have most of it.

WCATWC Information Statement - TW

SEAK71 PAAQ 111707
EQIAKX

TSUNAMI SEISMIC INFORMATION STATEMENT
NWS WEST COAST/ALASKA TSUNAMI WARNING CENTER PALMER AK
907 AM AKDT SUN MAY 11 2008

...THIS IS AN INFORMATION STATEMENT...

EVALUATION
AN EARTHQUAKE HAS OCCURRED WITH A MAGNITUDE SUCH THAT A TSUNAMI
WILL NOT BE GENERATED. THIS WILL BE THE ONLY WCATWC MESSAGE
ISSUED FOR THIS EVENT.

PRELIMINARY EARTHQUAKE PARAMETERS
MAGNITUDE - 4.0
TIME - 0904 AKDT MAY 11 2008
1004 PDT MAY 11 2008
1704 UTC MAY 11 2008
LOCATION - 58.6 NORTH 137.2 WEST
75 MILES/121 KM SW OF HAINES ALASKA
105 MILES/169 KM W OF JUNEAU ALASKA
DEPTH - 7 MILES/12 KM

THE LOCATION AND MAGNITUDE ARE BASED ON PRELIMINARY INFORMATION.
FURTHER INFORMATION WILL BE ISSUED BY THE UNITED STATES
GEOLOGICAL SURVEY - EARTHQUAKE.USGS.GOV - OR THE APPROPRIATE
REGIONAL SEISMIC NETWORK.

$$

HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU.....

OPPS!!!!!

JUST FOR FUN.......
Apartment sign #1: “No baby carriages or foreign cars allowed in the lobby.”
Apartment laundry room sign: “Please be courteous and remove your clothes promptly,”
Apartment stairwell sign: “No urinating or defecating in stairwells by human or animal is not permitted.”
Atheist Not: “Thank God I’m an atheist!”Auto Junk Yard (New Jersey): “We have Japanese auto parts.”
Auto Repair Service Station: “Try us once - you'll never go anywhere else again.”
Awning Manufacturer’s Door: “Just a shade better.”
Back of a Bus: “It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.”
Bakery #1: “It’s nice to be kneaded.”Bakery #2: “Keep your wait under control – take a number.”
Bank: “Drive thru cash machine.”Bar: “Lunch now being poured.”
Bar Counter: “If Your Cup Runneth Over, Let Someone Else Runneth the Car.”
Barber Shop: “Haircuts while you wait.”Beautician: “Remember the mane!”
Beauty Salon (Boston): “Curl Harbor”Billboard: “Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”
Bingo Hall: “Legalize Bingo. Keep Grandma off the streets.”
Biology Professor: “Clones are people two.”Birth Notice: “Mrs. Jody Defries is pleased to announce the arrival of Elijah Joel – 8 pounds 10 ounces and the loss of twenty pounds.”
Blood Bank: “Donate now - don’t let us be caught with our pints down!”
Boarded Excavation Site (New York): “Danger! Compliments of Vitiello Blasting Mat Co.”
Body Repair Shop: “May We Have The Next Dents?
”Bookstore: “If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.”
Bowling Alley: “Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.”
Building Project: “Unemployment Isn't Working!”
Butcher Shop #1: “THIS WEEK ONLY: T-BONE - $1.00”… Pedestrians had to step much closer to read the type underneath:With meat: $12.00Butcher Shop #2: “Let me meat your needs.”Butcher Shop #3: “The Best of the Wurst.”
Cabinetmaker’s Truck: “Counter Fitters”Cafeteria: “Swift, courteous self-service.”
Camouflage Store: “Wise guise.”Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”
Car Mechanic #1: “Come see us if you need a brake.”Car Mechanic #2: “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”Car (rear bumper): “Don’t be a bumper-sticker.”
Car Wash (Saskatoon): “If you can read this sign, it’s time to wash your car.”
California Smog Station: “Can UCLA?”
Car Bumper: “Ban Bumper Stickers”Car (on an Indian reservation): “Custer got Siouxed.”
Car sign: “Sex Appeal – Give Generously.”Car (slow moving): “I brake for tailgaters.”
Cardiologist Office: “With all my heart.”
Catholic Church during Christmas Season: “Closed for the holidays.”
Cemetery Plots: “Invest in an underground condominium.”
Chalked on a Post-no-notices Wall: “Down With Graffiti”
Chicken Incubator: “Cheepers By The Dozen”
Chinese Laundry: “We don’t tear your clothes with clumsy machinery – we do it carefully by hand.”
Chinese Pet Sore: “Buy one dog, get one flea.”
Church Billboard: “7 days without God makes one weak.”
Church sign: “You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, you can ignore this notice.”
City Bus: “Thinking of committing suicide? Perhaps we can help.”
Classified Ad: “Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.”