HAPPY HALLOWEEN..............!

THE WEDDING CAKE......
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

the irishman...............
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over."So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" " Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. " For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

SCHOOL 1967 vs. 2007
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1967 - Vice principal comes over to look at Jack's shotgun. He goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lockdown, and FBI is called. Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail; nobody is arrested; nobody is expelled.

2007 - Police called. SWAT team arrives. Johnny and Mark are arrested and charged with assault. Both are expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1967 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the principal. He returns to class, sits still, and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is diagnosed with ADD and given huge doses of ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a learning disability.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is placed in foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself, and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.


Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1967 - Mark shares aspirin with principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police called. Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. Car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given a diploma anyway, but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, and blows up a red ant bed.

1967 - Ants die.

2007 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security, and FBI called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates parents; siblings are removed from home; computers confiscated. Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Heather. Heather hugs him to comfort him.

1967 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Heather is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in state prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

Amish Humor.....
Sign behind an Amish carriage:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.
CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"

Golf..........
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and to ok a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed." The good Sister told him to watch his language. On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed." "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed. Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."

DOG RULES......
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

COUNGTRY DOCTORS......
Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world.One physician says, "Why, Bubba, thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin' so bad that perty soon, they ain't gonna be room for ever'body! There'sa gonna be standin' room only on this here planet!"The other doctor replied, "Heck, that sure oughta slow 'em down a bit!"

BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1997........
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

The Heart Surgeon...........
Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon, Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser, Is that you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So, Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. Like you, I too take valves out, grind them, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

The Three Wishes..........
Three friends were stranded on a desert island. After several weeks with no food and no drinking water, they were beginning to lose heart.
Suddenly, a bottle floated into the shore and a beautiful genie popped out. She said "I have three wishes to grant. Each of you gentleman can make one wish come true."
Friend number one got excited. He said "I wish I was in Las Vegas with dice in one hand and a drink in the other, surrounded by music, food, and beautiful women." Instantly he was gone, his wish granted.
Friend number two smiled and said, "I wish I was back home right now with my wonderful wife and our two small children, at our log cabin in the woods sitting in front of the fire and singing Christmas carols together." Just like that, he disappeared.
The genie asked the remaining man, "And what do you wish for?"
He answered, "Gee, I wish I had my buddies back to help me decide..."

The Parking Ticket......
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

The problem is at your end........
One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

Don't say this to a cop............
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

So you think you’re the only one who can be funny when getting pulled over by a cop? Well, in this edition, the police officer strikes back! All those cop jokes we’ve been posting have finally caught up to us, a police (or as he preferred to be called… peace) officer out of Nevada sent us this little list of things cops like say too…

“You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on this ticket, huh?”
“Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a dog or cat?”
“Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
“In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”
“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
“Now exactly how big were those ‘Just two beers’ you had?”
“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
“I’m glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Paulk is a personal friend of yours. You know someone who can post your bail.”
“You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.

CUTE AT THIS AGE...............

Top Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter- and Living.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka — zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car — there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Here are some funny celebrity quotes..........

When I was growing up, there were two things that were unpopular in my house. One was me, and the other was my guitar
Bruce Springsteen
Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternatives.
Maurice Chevalier
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they are going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Charles Lamb
Women prefer men who have something tender about them - especially legal tender.
Kay Ingram
Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
David Frost
There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Mona Crane
I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like ‘What I’m going to be if I grow up.’
Lenny Bruce
******
Bessie Braddock to Winston Churchill: Winston, you’re drunk.Churchill: Bessie, you’re ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober.
It’s better to be looked over than overlooked.
Mae West
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. Les Dawson
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
George Bernard Shaw
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton
I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
Spike Milligan
I’m not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. Groucho Marx
A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
Ronald Knox
Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it.

Harry S. Truman
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes.

Mark Twain

CLICK ON PICTURE TO ENLARGE, THEN ARROW BACK:

MORE FROM THE MEDICAL WAY...........

** An elderly woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, "Billy Bob died." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries." Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Billy Bob died - 1983 pickup for sale."

** 3 Doctors at a Convention talking Shop.The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens."The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open them up and all their Parts are numbered, makes it very easy.”The third Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Lawyers, they have no Heart, they have no Guts and the Head and the Ass are interchangeable!"

** A pretty, perky young blonde, wearing a walkman with earphones, goes into the beauty parlor for a haircut. The stylist asks her to please remove the headphones, but the blonde tells her to cut around them.Well, the stylist goes to work, carefully avoiding the headphones, but without realizing it, she accidentally snips the wire going from the headphones to the walkman. Within several minutes, the blonde slides out of the chair, quite dead.The stylist, in an attempt to find out what the blonde was listening to, pulls the plug from the headphones out of the walkman and hears: Inhale ... Exhale ... Inhale ... Exhale .......

** Veal Cutlets and Pancakes"Well, doctor, have you received the results of my tests?" the patient asked."Yes, Mr. Smith, and I'm afraid I've got some really bad news for you. You've got VD, AIDS and Mad Cow Disease"."Oh, no! What treatment can you give me?" "We're going to take you into the hospital, give you your own private room, and put you on a diet of veal cutlets and pancakes." "Veal cutlets and pancakes? Delicious! I never realized that those delicious foods could help cure me!""They won't, but they're easy to slide under the door."

** Brain TransplantIn the hospital, a patient's relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At last, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a female brain, and $500 for a male brain."The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they're used!!!!!!!"

** A woman told the vet that something was wrong with her dog. He examined the animal and told her the dog was dead. "I don't believe you", she said, "I'd like a second opinion"The vet said that would be fine. He went into the other room and got a cat. He put the cat up on the table with the dog. The cat sniffed the dog and jumped down. The vet then got a black lab, put him on the table and the lab sniffed and jumped down.The vet tells the lady again, "I'm sorry, but your dog is definitely dead. That will be $600 for the exam.""$600 is ridiculous, what are the charges for?" she exclaimed."$600 is a bargain," the vet explained. "$50 for me and only $550 for the cat scan and lab work."

**A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half!?" The doctor asked Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing on the ceiling. Patient #1 replied, "Oh, he's my friend, but he's a little crazy.. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face going all red and blue.The doctor tells Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself!"Patient #1 replies, "What?! And work in the dark?!"

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE .........

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
*******************************************************
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.""In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
******************************************************
The doctor called Mrs. Cooney over and gave her the news. "I'm afraid your husband has a very serious illness. In fact, it might be fatal. There are two things you have to do to save his life. First, you'll have to fix him three home-cooked meals a day for the rest of his life. And second, you'll have to make love to him every day without fail.""I'll break the news to him myself," she said.Stepping across the waiting room to her husband Mrs. Cooney announced, "Guess what, Cooney. You're gonna die!!"

Men and Women Translation Dictionary...........

Every have trouble understanding what the opposite sex is thinking? This short, handy guide helps you translate what they are saying into what they are meaning. Read it, learn it, and check it out for yourself. You will never misunderstand or have communication problems again.

Translation Dictionary of Women’s English.

* Yes……………………………….No
* No………………………………..Yes
* Maybe……………………………No
* We need………………………….I want
* I am sorry………………………..You’ll be sorry
* We need to talk………………….You’re in trouble
* Sure, go ahead……………………You better not
* Do what you want……………….You will pay for this later
* I am not upset……………………Of course, I am upset, you moron!
* You’re attentive tonight…………Is sex all you ever think about?

Translation Dictionary of men’s English.

* I am hungry………………………I am hungry
* I am sleepy……………………….I am sleepy
* I am tired…………………………I am tired
* Nice dress…………………………Nice cleavage!
* I love you…………………………Let’s have sex now
* I am bored………………………..Do you want to have sex?
* May I have this dance?………………I’d like to have sex with you.
* Can I call you sometime?…………..I’d like to have sex with you.
* Do you want to go to a movie?……I’d like to have sex with you.
* Can I take you out to dinner?……..I’d like to have sex with you.
* I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit…………..I’m gay

And here are a few more funny translations of man-speak: What men say and what they mean:

“I’M GOING FISHING”Translated: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.”Translated: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”Translated: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.”Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.”Translated: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT.”Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”Translated: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.”Translate: Hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”Translated: “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST … I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

“WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.”Translated: “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”

Rules for women: A Funny List of Rules that Men wish Women Knew..........

Here are the rules of manhood, just in case you didn’t get your copy as a teenager. Read it, learn it, live it. If you don’t follow these rules, you are breaking the male code. This is bad karma, and may create judgmental glares by other men.


1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
· When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
· The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
· After wrecking your boss’ car.
· One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who is playing.

10. You may be flatulent in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

16. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
· Yeah, Baby, Push it!
· C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
· Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.) For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men’s gymnastics. Ever.

OLDER,BUT WISE..........
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed , but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .... As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."

Biker Kiss......

Tanning Granny......

WE'LL MISS HIM.......
It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great icon.
The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was only 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours, as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end, it was thought that he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

MORE HALLOWEEN HUMOR......
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop glancing at her in the rear-view mirror. Finally, after several blocks, sister asks him why he is staring and he replies hesitantly, "I have something to tell you but I'm afraid of offending you."
She answers, "My dear boy, you cannot offend me. When you've been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, it's always been a...a fantasy of mine to have a nun kiss me. Like... like a girlfriend would kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. First you must be unmarried, and second you must be a practising Catholic."
The cab driver excitedly responds, "Yes, yes — I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
After a moment's reflection, the nun says, "Well, all right. Pull into the next alley." He does, and sister fulfills his fantasy — and it's beyond his most fevered expectations.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear boy," asked the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess. I'm married, and I'm a Baptist!"
The nun says quietly, "There, there, it's all right. I am on the way to a Halloween party and my name is Kevin.

BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES EVER.......
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Bush Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead