Here are some funny celebrity quotes..........

When I was growing up, there were two things that were unpopular in my house. One was me, and the other was my guitar
Bruce Springsteen
Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternatives.
Maurice Chevalier
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they are going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Charles Lamb
Women prefer men who have something tender about them - especially legal tender.
Kay Ingram
Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
David Frost
There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Mona Crane
I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like ‘What I’m going to be if I grow up.’
Lenny Bruce
******
Bessie Braddock to Winston Churchill: Winston, you’re drunk.Churchill: Bessie, you’re ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober.
It’s better to be looked over than overlooked.
Mae West
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. Les Dawson
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
George Bernard Shaw
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton
I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
Spike Milligan
I’m not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. Groucho Marx
A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
Ronald Knox
Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it.

Harry S. Truman
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes.

Mark Twain