Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery, when a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a string bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.These were so loud you could hear them before you saw them. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless with just a thong bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, she said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady.""Yes, Father?", she said."We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" "Father, it's me, Sister Margaret."
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket tokeep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cabdriver hit a parked car...
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.For bathroom facilities, they had to use an outhouse.The little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time.The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water.One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.That evening his dad sternly told him to sit down.Knowing he was in trouble, the little boy asked why.The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that GeorgeWashington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!"
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:"Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ************************** In a Podiatrist's office:"Time wounds all heels." ************************** On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ************************** On another Septic Tank Truck:"We're #1 in the #2 business" ************************** At a Proctologist's door:"To expedite your visit please back in." ************************** On a Plumber's truck:"We repair what your husband fixed." ************************** On another Plumber's truck:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.." ************************** On a Church's Billboard:"7 days without God makes one weak." ************************** At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:"Invite us to your next blowout." ************************** On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:"Hello. Can we pick your nose?" ************************** At a Towing company:"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." ************************** On an Electrician's truck:"Let us remove your shorts." ************************* In a Nonsmoking Area:"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." ************************* On a Maternity Room door:"Push. Push. Push." ************************** At an Optometrist's Office :"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." ************************** On a Taxidermist's window:"We really know our stuff." ************************** On a Fence:"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" ************************** At a Car Dealership:"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." ************************** Outside a Muffler Shop:"No appointment necessary We hear you coming." ************************** In a Veterinarian's waiting room:"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" ************************** At the Electric Company:"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.However, if you don't, you will be." ************************** In a Restaurant window:"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up." ************************** In the front yard of a Funeral Home:"Drive carefully. We'll wait." ************************** At a Propane Filling Station , "Thank heaven for little grills." ************************** And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:"Best place in town to take a leak "
Although a bright and able man, my husband is almost completely helpless when faced with even the simplest domestic chore. One day, in exasperation, I pointed out to him that our friend Mary had taught her husband Jeff to cook, sew and do laundry, and that if anything ever happened to Mary, Jeff would be able to care for himself. Then I said, "What would you do if anything happened to me?" After considering that possibility for a moment, my husband said happily, "I'd move in with Jeff."
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX. 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I hear d her reporting to the rest of the family that hehad died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now,the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "Howlong have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: 'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes. Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?' Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.' Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?' Pharmacist: 'All kinds.' Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? ' Pharmacist: 'Definitely.' Jacob: 'How about Viagra?' Pharmacist: 'Of course.' Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?' Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.' Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?' Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.' Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?' Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.' Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew. "I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
Lynn Griffiths An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely."The front row please," she answered."You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring.""Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired."No." he said."I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly."Do you know who I am?" he asked."No." she said."Good," he answered.
Doug Hewett One day a father gets off of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95 Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95 Disco Barbie for $19.95 Divorced Barbie for $265.95 The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"The salesperson answers:"Sir, 'Divorced Barbie' is a complete set. She comes with:Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Dog, Ken's Children, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... as a special feature, Ken's Best Friend.
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so Hard, let me know and I'll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife." Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
We just got a brand new 2007 Chrysler 300C in with the coolest radio you have ever seen. The radio is voice activated. I was demonstrating the radio to a friend of mine and I said, "Watch this!" .. "Nelson"! The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie,".... I replied. He continued, ........ and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. My friend liked the car and the radio so much she bought one just like it. She called me a few days later with this story. "I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven', I'd get beautiful classical music, ... and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs. One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new Chrysler 300C, but, I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, ...... "Ass Holes!"The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on booze.... Dang , I LOVE this car!
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"
Lake Oswego Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a master's degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. She comes with a Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often"working late." Available at Starbucks. Salem Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. This model is available at most pawn shops, but only after dark and it can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Grants Pass Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Auburn Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army/Navy Surplus. Pendleton Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica T-shirt, and a Tweedy Bird Tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six-pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his "episodes" with his boss's daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double-Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. East-Side Portland Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out food stamps form. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village. Eugene Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI. Ashland Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. This Barbie walks to work and likes to "experiment," but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available from the manufacturer. Corvallis Barbie: This blithe little number comes with a travel coffee mug and optional scrubs for working at Good Samaritan. She also comes with a Volvo that has a OSU alum sticker in the back window. The bike rack comes standard. Other clothing included: jogging outfit and Beaver t-shirt. Bicycle and HP-worker Ken doll sold separately.
Scenario:You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a Valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a Helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the Helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer: Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", ......you're drunk.
