WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."
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WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
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THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself, for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him
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DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles, had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
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ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".
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NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)
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THE GRAND FINALE........

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted in to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER ... THIS IS TRUE ...

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

BUT......DAD........

A young boy had justgotten his driving permit.He asked his father,who was a minister,if they could discuss his useof the family car.
His father said to him,"I'll make a deal with you.You bring your grades up,study your bible a little,and get your hair cut,then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came backand again asked his father ifthey could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son,I'm real proud of you.You have brought your grades up,you've studied your bible diligently,but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a momentand replied, "You know dad,I've been thinking about that.You know Samson had long hair,Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied,"Yes son,and they walked everywhere they went!"

The stewards at an outback racetrack had long suspected ...

A certain owner of doping his horse before a race. One meeting, just before the main race, the chief steward noticed this owner sneaking into the stable. He watched as he slipped something into the horses mouth, then grabbed his arm, shouting 'Got you at last. You'll be rubbed out for life over this, you rotten so and so."
The owner, never at a loss for words, smiled and said "Why, no mate, these are only home made sweets the wife makes. Settles him down before a big race, you see. Here - try one, they're real good." He slipped one into his own mouth in proof, and the steward, his sails deflated, had no option but to do the same.
The owner led the horse to the saddling paddock. "Get in front from the start and stay there," he told the jockey.
"Why so?" asked the jockey. "Is anything likely to pass me?"
The owner grimly replied " Only me and the chief steward."

NOT HUMOR, BUT BEAUTY........

Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate.........

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "The hair, it's growing. Growing!"
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

THE BREAK IN......

A burglar found a prime neighborhood with nice houses and lots of older people who would be gone to Florida for the winter. He watches a particular house for several days before deciding that it would be safe to hit.
It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal.
"I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said.
The burglar froze in his tracks.
"I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again.
When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shinned it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch.
"I see you and Jesus sees you."
The burglar laughed.
"Just a dumb bird," he said.
The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big and mean looking Rotweiller sitting beneath the parrot's perch.
"Sic him, Jesus!" the parrot said.

Might need a little help with the make up!

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

REAL QUESTIONS IN A COURT ROOM..........

Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775.00 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
_________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
_________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. _________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it. _________________________________
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? _________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? _________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls? _________________________________

The 3-minute Management Course ..........

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"Moral of the story:If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb? Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! I'm sorry. What was the question?

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast ?"

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that.When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN6-7 lb. Chicken1 cup melted butter1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)1 cup uncooked popcorn ( ORVILLE REDENBACHER 'S LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste
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Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.Listen for the popping sounds.
When the chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.And, you thought I couldn't cook.........

For fans of the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures .
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Rules of Life.......
I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.

I love deadlines..........
I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem

My reality check bounced..........
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

Rules of the Stock market Life..............
The stock market, be it on Wall Street or the Stock Exchange is always in the news. We think you may like to see these 'headlines' on the stock market news:
Pencils lost a few points
Elevators rose
Mining equipment hit rock bottom
Helium was up
Beef steered into a bull market
Paper was stationary
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading
Weights were up in heavy trading
Feathers were down
Light switches were off
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel
The market for raisins dried up
Balloon prices were inflated
Kleenex tissue touched a new bottom
Knives were up sharply
Sun stocks peaked at midday
Diapers [Nappies] remain unchanged.

FRIENDS ARE EASY TO MAKE.....

SPEAKING FEW WORDS........

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

Supermarket Mother ........

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

BEING A CHILD IS INTERESTING.................TO SAY THE MOST!

Here are some good funny and clean kid’s jokes and children’s jokes.

How do you fix a broken chimp?With a monkey wrench!

How do monkeys get down the stairs?They slide down the banana-ster!

How do you train King Kong?You hit him with a rolled up newspaper building!

Why did the man put his money in the freezer?He wanted cold hard cash!

Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

What did the grape do when it got stepped on?It let out a little wine!

A little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he tapped his teacher on the shoulder and said, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking.”


The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, “What did you learn today?”The kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”

Early one morning, a lady went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!”“But why Mom? I don’t want to go.”“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”“Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”“Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!”

Why don’t sharks like to eat clowns?Because they taste funny!

Why did the turtle cross the road?To get to the shell station!

That Darn Cat...........

There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks.
He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.
The cat starts to stumble home, and when he came to the train tracks, he didn't notice a train coming down the tracks.
As he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned his head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated.
The moral of the story — don't lose your head over a piece of tail!

Having to Take a Whisper.....

Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''

WHO RUNNING THE COUNTRY......

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines normally put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

NOTE: as of Friday 9-14-07

up dated....9-20-07

I will be away for awhile for medical reasons and once back will get back online again with Senior Funnies.......taking alittle time off.....will be back soon!
Thank You....Charles

Thank goodness it's not a large dog!

Need to cut back on table scraps.......I would think.

Food one-liners

The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."

On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.

A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.

An initiation into the mysteries of Zen Judaism:

Be here now.

Be someplace else later.

Is that so complicated?

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Drink tea and nourish life.

With the first sip... joy.

With the second... satisfaction.

With the third, peace.

With the fourth, a Danish.

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Wherever you go, there you are.

Your luggage is another story.

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Accept misfortune as a blessing.

Do not wish for perfect health

Or a life without problems.

What would you talk about?

_____

The journey of a thousand miles

Begins with a single "oy."

_____

There is no escaping karma.

In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.

And whose fault was that?

_____

Zen is not easy.

It takes effort to attain nothingness.

And then what do you have?

Bupkes.

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The Tao does not speak.

The Tao does not blame.

The Tao does not take sides.

The Tao has no expectations.

The Tao demands nothing of others.

The Tao is not Jewish.

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Breathe in. Breathe out.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

_____

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.

Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.

And sit up straight.

You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

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Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

_____

To Find the Buddha, look within.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.

Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.

Each blossom has ten thousand petals.

You might want to see a specialist.

_____

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:

Get rid of the motorcycle.

What were you thinking?

_____

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

_____

Be aware of your body.

Be aware of your perceptions.

Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

_____

The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself."

The Buddha says there is no "self."

So, maybe you are off the hook.

*Martha's Way* Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. *Maxine's Way * Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway! To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year. When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you. If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up." If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!" Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. Celery? Never heard of it! Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't. Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you. Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!! As usual, if you don't forward this to 1 of your friends within the next 5 minutes, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off. Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you? Maxine