An initiation into the mysteries of Zen Judaism:

Be here now.

Be someplace else later.

Is that so complicated?

_____

Drink tea and nourish life.

With the first sip... joy.

With the second... satisfaction.

With the third, peace.

With the fourth, a Danish.

_____

Wherever you go, there you are.

Your luggage is another story.

_____

Accept misfortune as a blessing.

Do not wish for perfect health

Or a life without problems.

What would you talk about?

_____

The journey of a thousand miles

Begins with a single "oy."

_____

There is no escaping karma.

In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.

And whose fault was that?

_____

Zen is not easy.

It takes effort to attain nothingness.

And then what do you have?

Bupkes.

_____

The Tao does not speak.

The Tao does not blame.

The Tao does not take sides.

The Tao has no expectations.

The Tao demands nothing of others.

The Tao is not Jewish.

_____

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

_____

Let your mind be as a floating cloud.

Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.

And sit up straight.

You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

_____

Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

_____

To Find the Buddha, look within.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.

Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.

Each blossom has ten thousand petals.

You might want to see a specialist.

_____

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:

Get rid of the motorcycle.

What were you thinking?

_____

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

_____

Be aware of your body.

Be aware of your perceptions.

Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

_____

The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself."

The Buddha says there is no "self."

So, maybe you are off the hook.