Check out the little kitten at the bottom of the tree.

Government in Action......................

In February, when housing officials in Loebau, Germany, ran out of small apartments for low-income residents, they decided to put them in quarters that were larger than regulations allowed. However, the officials made the residents close off some rooms to stay within the allotted space and said inspectors would make regular visits to see that no one cheated. [Reuters, 2-5-07]

Fire officials in Crystal River, Fla., stopped the planned performance in January of Jesse Aviles, "The Human Bomb," who was set to lie face down across two bar stools at the Oar House Restaurant and Lounge and have himself blown across the room by explosives. According to Oar House, the performance was canceled for the lack of permits. City Manager Andrew Houston, asked by the St. Petersburg Times what kind of permits might be necessary for a person to be exploded from a barstool, said, "I have no earthly idea." [St. Petersburg Times, 1-27-07]

Garri Holness, 39, is one of the Britons in a bad place at the time of the July 2005 subway bombings, and he suffered the loss of a leg, for which government programs compensated him with more than 100,000 British pounds (about $190,000). That is more than 10 times the amount of government compensation (in 2005 pounds) received by each of the two teenage girls from a vicious 1985 gang rape that Holness was convicted of participating in (and for which he served seven years in prison). [Daily Mail (London), 1-26-07]

Hurricane Katrina Trailer Fiascos: In March, while FEMA was busy evicting the last Katrina victims that it had housed in trailers, it also disclosed that it has been stuck with 8,000 mint-condition trailers that have sat vacant for 18 months now in a field near Hope, Ark., because the agency hasn't been able to give them away (to government agencies, as federal law requires). (Also, WWL-TV in New Orleans reported in March that area hospitals continue to be overcrowded while specially equipped medical trailers, which were ordered just after Katrina hit and which took eight months to arrive, continue to sit unused.) [Tampa Tribune-Washington Post, 3-10-07] [WWL-TV, 3-9-07]

Why, Why, Why???

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do ! those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. I've done my job and sent this email to you , now it's up to you to send it on.

BIG DOG............

 Hercules: The World's Biggest Dog

Ever According to Guinness World

Records Hercules was recently awarded

the honorable distinctionf Worlds Biggest

Dog by Guinness WorldRecords.Hercules is a Mastiffwho has

a 38 inch neck and weighs 282 pounds.

With "paws the size of softballs" 

reports the Boston Herald),

the three-year-old monster is far larger and 

heavier than his breed's

standard 200lb. limit. Hercules owner

THE DOCTORS IN.......

Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good. If you tell him you want a second opinion, he'll go out and come in again.
~~

Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

~~

While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."

My doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."

~~

Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor!! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!!"

My doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."

~~

One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."

My doctor asked, "When did it start?"

The man replied, "When did what start?"

~~

I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears.

His advice: "Don't answer it."

~~

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."

The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these - if they don't work, give me a ring."

~~

Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. My doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."

~~

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.

~~

You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

FOR ALL OF YOU WHO MAY BE HAVING A BAD DAY... (or just think you are...)

A Sure Sign of Stupidity ---------

A friend of mine feels that certain people should have to wear a sign that would just say, "I'm stupid." That way, the rest of us wouldn't waste our time relying on them, and we certainly wouldn't ask them anything. It'd be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

Before I moved from California to Oklahoma, my house was full of boxes, and there was a U-Haul truck in my driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"

"Nope. I pack up all my stuff like this once or twice a week just to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago, I went fishing with a buddy of mine. We pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up a big ol' stringer of bass, and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"

"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel, and there was a guy who'd invented a shark-bite suit. There's only one way to test it... "All right, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, and it looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."

"Well all right....hold my sign, I don't wanna lose it."

I had a flat tire on the road recently, and I pulled my car into a service station. The attendant walked out, looked at my tire, and said, "Tire go flat?"

I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope, I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. Back at the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn, that's hot!"

If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him. No such luck. He burned his hand. Maybe he’ll get smarter. Nah, I doubt it.

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you know any stores nearby that sell these type of batteries?”

I mentioned one in a nearby mall, but she gasped, “That’s two miles away!!”

I replied I had an idea. I took her key chain, used the key to unlock the door, and suggested it would be faster if she drove there. I told her to pick up a Sign while she was at it, but she didn’t understand.

Last week we had a temp with a big problem. One day she was typing and turned to me and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What should I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," I told her.

“Good idea!” she replied. She took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier, and proceeded to make five "blank" copies. I was tempted to tell her to type up a “Sign” on one of the copies.

Last night when I got home I read this story in the paper. Louisville, Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck.

Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.

When they are released back into society, shouldn’t they be forced to wear a sign? It sure would save a lot of time for the rest of us.

You don't say......

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy And that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when They land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?' 'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to
make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne "

These two pictures were taken around Meeker. Colorado.

Cold snaps and potted plants........

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect thefrom a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snakunder the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by neighbors who called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the power and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

CLICK BELOW AND ENJOY..........................


Click here: http://www.frontiernet.net/~jimdandy/specials/onedayatatime/onedayatatime




ALL IN A DAY OF ENJOYMENT TO SOME AND MAYBE TO SOME NOT......

Retirement Planning Tips Some tips for retirement planning from an expert in the industry: If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock three years ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00. WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. But if over the last three years you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer, drank all the beer, then returned the cans or bottles for your refund you would have $614.00. So based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

OLD GIRLFRIEND......

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Therefore, you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

ARTAMAZING VEGETABLE

CLICK ON PICTURE TO ENLARGE
THEN ARROW BACK......

Kentucky
A group of Kentucky friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under
the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they
inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!"

Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world
comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd
rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years
later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked,
"Got any I. D.?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and
one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he
drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The
passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in
the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make sense to me
neither."


And this from South Carolina
"You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of
anyone retiring to the North

Just click on the below and have a few laughs......enjoy!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZebndiGd1M&eurl

JOKES FOR THE OLDER CROWD........


A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
-----------------------------------------
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
-----------------------------------------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for
------------------------------------------
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
-------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.
---------------------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so gray
and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
---------------------------------------- ------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
--------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" he second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife looklike?" To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place epensive. So I took her to a gas station !!!!!!!

The Polish Eye Test - Tresa Frazier

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.

I'm the life of the party...
even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

Meaningful Things My Mother Taught Me:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone"

11 My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me"

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me about WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !!!!"

First thing I see that makes sense...

For complete description of materials

and how to build it please refer to

Genesis Chapter 5:14-16

USDA............OUT IN THE FIELD.......

A very snooty Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer, Ole. He told Ole, "I need to inspect your farm."

Ole said, "OK, but don't go in that field over there."

The Agriculture representative said, "I have the authority of the U.S.Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So Ole went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence and close behind was the
farmer's prize bull.

The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the rep at every step.

Ole called out, "Show him your damn card!"

• Aries: March 21-April 19

The sign of the Ram is traditionally adventurous, courageous, enthusiastic and confident.

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK.........

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections
that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

PA WONT LIKE IT...........

A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon of corn on the road. A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon.

"Hey Chris," the farmer said. "Forget your troubles for a spell....its late, come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."

"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Chris replied.

"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.

"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty meal, Chris thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."

"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"

"Under the wagon."

MEET AT THE RIVER.........

This is a hoot, but I expect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced, with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Smile, life is too short not to !!

See you at the river!