RAMBO..........................!

The Tank.........

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man, I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.
I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: From Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the car door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years."

Home Depot - Sam Longoria............

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other.

What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.

What does your wife look like?

"The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

Gotta love good blond jokes...


A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of how all blondes are
perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really
are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides she's going to paint a
couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task in hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive odor of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is okay. She replies, "Yes!"

He then asks what she was doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are useless. She wanted to do this by painting the interior of their home.

Then he asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.....She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said, "For best results, put on two coats."

What do retired people do all day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a police officer writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him something worse.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I don't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

If Men Vacuumed..........

Irish Shopping - Gerald McEathron............

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

Cool dog! and A
Very tired kitten!

Don't cough

Outside a chemist in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a
pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle,
just standing there, frozen. The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?" Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help." Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now." Assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market... Now he won't dare cough!"

8 MORONS of 2006

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka KS Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket (Hellooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer down on Lake Isabella , located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield CA , some folks new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

(NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.)

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer!

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.....


The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

Once they were young also!

The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.

Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."

"No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

---

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.......

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.
Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky.
Nothing is broken. But you need to relax...
Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

The Bathtub Test......

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

BOYS WILL BE BOYS.............

THE POLICE OFFICER.............. If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined By a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.... Q: "Officer -- did you see m y client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE ...............

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurts wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she
said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

REAL NEWSPAPER ADS............


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Mother, AKC German shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE :

FOR SALE BY OWNER:

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

They're Back! Real Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. Some of these are quite funny :) These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale! It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. And say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
------------------! -------- --------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 p.m., there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Brin! g a blan ket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladie's Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

According to Jeff Foxworthy:You might be from thePacific Northwest if:

1. You know the state flower (Mildew)
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" Signal.
8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puya llup, Issaquah, Oregon, Yakima and Willamette.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
17. You cannot wait for a day with "showers and sun breaks."
18. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
19. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and notjust a state of mind.
20. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even ifyou cannot see through the cloud cover.
21. You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
22. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
23. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
24. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
25. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
26. You knew immediately that the view out of Frasier's window was fake.
27. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time.
28. You measure distance in hours.
29. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
30. You use a down comforter in the summer.
31. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
32. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
33. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter , Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall).

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029.........

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, flyswatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

WHY SOME PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE LET OUT OF THE COUNTRY … (or maybe not let back in!).

Actual comments from U.S. travel agents …

I had someone ask for an aisle seat on her flight so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked: " Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with " I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained:" Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response… click (of the telephone immediately).

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a one-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said : "I heard Dallas is a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time. "

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33 am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked : "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, " No, why do you ask?" She replied, " Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight. Is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it, I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them. "

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, " Yeah, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports. I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this, he said "Look, I've been to China four times, and every time they've accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?", replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with: "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered "You don't mean Buffalo, do you ?"

"That's it! I knew it was a big animal."

The Wedding Dress..........

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother, Sheila, had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her father's new young wife, Barb, had purchased the exact same dress! She asked Barb to exchange the dress, but Barb refused. "Absolutely not! I'm wearing this dress. I look like a million bucks in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind, Sweetheart, I'll get another dress. After all, it's YOUR special day."

Two weeks later Jennifer and her mother went shopping and found another awesome dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You really don't have any place to wear it."

Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, Dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

IDIOTS AT WORK:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

"BAD SPELLING.............''

Southern Law Joke

Questions asked in a courtroom can be very revealing... especially in the South. Even of an old, sweet lady many would be happy to call grandma.

In a trial in the heart of the South, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly woman he had known since childhood, to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Whitaker, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Coolidge. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit lawyer. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Whitaker, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Of course, I do. I've known Mr. Johnson since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney turned red with embarssment.

The judge upon hearing the questions and answers thusfar asked both counselors to approach the bench. In a very quiet voice he said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (Actual AP).........

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sou nded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE.........

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurts wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she
said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

They Walk Among Us!.....

Thought you might get a chuckle (or a fright!) out of this! I walked

into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed

it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy

one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "So I

guess they're both free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out

the door. They walk among us and many work retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of

them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and

said, Where?"

They walk among us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which

direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun

waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my

brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for

sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I

got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was

open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a

week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call

quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a

seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk

They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were

discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The

cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to

the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never

showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained

professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived

yet?"

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small

pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like

it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before

responding. Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I 'm hungry enough to eat 6

pieces. Yep,

They Walk Among Us!

They walk among us AND they reproduce! And we all know them!! Yikes!