Pa Won't Like It........

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."

LITTLE BOY......

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed inbetween the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment, he claimed: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

Red Skelton's Recipe for the Perfect Marriage - Gary Richardson

For the young, Red Skelton was a marvelous comic back in the 1950s. As you will see, his humor is timeless. These lines are from the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four-letter word..AMEN TO THIS!

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere...but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

WORK - PRISON
Chris Holmes

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic fellow prisoners.
AT WORK...........they are called co-workers.

Nice to look at and hope you enjoy these that I found on the web.

TIGHT FIT...............

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

CRASH LANDING..........

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
"Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

THE COUPLE...............

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
"The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Biblethat the man should do the coffee." Husband rep lies, "I can't believe that, show me."So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testamentand showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an earlymorning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM andhe had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Life is a journey, enjoy the ride !!!


What is Laughter? A Biological reaction when people read Dang Good Jokes.


You're quacking me up!

GOOD HUMOR.......

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers .
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

WINTER BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you're losing some of your load! " Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you're losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

THE PAINTER.........

There was a painter by the name of Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin his paint to make it go further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Church decided to do a big restoration job that involved the painting of one of its biggest churches.
Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. He went about erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, thinning it down with the turpentine. Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away with the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened. The torrential rain washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off the scaffold and on to the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do? "And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

Sorry, your browser doesn't support Java. ( you'll love this.... )*****Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!

Comments made in the year 1955:



"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

HOSPITAL HUMOR:

A WOMAN, CALLING A LOCAL HOSPITAL, SAID, "HELLO, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO THE PERSON WHO GIVES THE INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR PATIENTS.
I'D LIKE TO FIND OUT IF THE PATIENT IS GETTING BETTER, DOING AS EXPECTED OR IS GETTING WORSE.
"THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE SAID, "WHAT IS THE PATIENTS NAME AND ROOM NUMBER?"
SHE SAID, "SARA FINKLE, IN ROOM 302.""I WILL CONNECT YOU WITH THE NURSING STATION.""3-A NURSING STATION. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?"
"I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE CONDITION OF SARA FINKLE IN ROOM 302."
"JUST A MOMENT. LET ME LOOK AT HER RECORDS.
OH YES, MRS. FINKLE IS DOING VERY WELL. IN FACT SHE'S HAD TWO FULL MEALS, HER BLOOD PRESSURE IS FINE AND HER BLOOD WORK JUST CAME BACK AS NORMAL. SHE'S GOING TO BE TAKEN OFF THE HEART MONITOR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS AND IF SHE CONTINUES THIS IMPROVEMENT. DR. COHEN IS GOING TO SEND HER HOME TUESDAY AT TWELVE O' CLOCK."THE WOMAN SAID,"
THANK GOD! THAT'S WONDERFUL" OH! THAT'S FANTASTIC. THAT'S WONDERFUL NEWS! "
THE NURSE SAID," FROM YOUR ENTHUSIASM, I TAKE IT YOU MUST BE A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER OR A VERY CLOSE FRIEND!"
"NOT EXACTLY, I AM SARAH FINKEL IN ROOM 302! AND NOBODY HERE TELLS ME ANYTHING!"

(Remember to click on picture to enlarge, then arrow back to return to next picture)

I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape town is in Massachusetts. Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape town is in Africa." Her response.( click).


A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"


A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines normally put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

Wacky Definitions.................

Alimony: Bounty on the Mutiny
Appetizers: Little things that you eat until you lose your appetite.
Argument: A discussion in which you're right, but the other person hasn't realized it.
Bachelor: A rolling stone who gathers no boss.
Bachelor: One who's footloose and fiancée free.
Bachelor: A man who has missed the chance to make a woman miserable.
Bachelor: A man who can take women or leave them, and prefers to do both.
Bachelor Pad: A wildlife sanctuary.
Ballet: For women only.
Bigamy: The same as Marriage: Having one wife too many.
Blonde Jokes: Short jokes that men can remember.
Cantaloupe: Got to get married in a church.
Classic Clothing: Wearing outfits that you already have.
College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
Depression: Anger without enthusiasm.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the children would like to order dessert.
Ecstasy: Something that happens between the Scotch and soda and the bacon and eggs.
Experience: Knowledge that allows you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Falsies: Extra padded attractions.
Feedback: The return of food that the baby didn't like.
Football Game: A contest where a spectator takes four quarters to finish a fifth.
Full Name: What you call the kids when you're angry at them.
Gigolo: A fee-male.
Gold Digger: A girl who's got what it takes to take what you've got.
Good Clean Fun: A husband and wife taking a bath together.
G.R.I.T.S: Girls Raised in the South
Grocery List: Something you spend 30-minutes writing, and then forget to take to the grocery store.
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Happily Married Couple: A husband out with another man's wife.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when someone uses a bad word.
Household Dust: A harmless, natural occurrence that only women notice.
Income Tax: The government's version of instant poverty.
Infantasies: Daydreaming about having a baby.
Instant Credit: Instant debt.
Intellectual Girl: One who can think up excuses that her boyfriend's wife will believe.
Job Forwarding: Termination; being sent to your next job.
Jury: A group of 12 people selected to decide who has the best lawyer.
Lipstick: Lip coloring that enhances a wife's mouth; but on a husband's collar is a color that only a tramp would wear.
Laughing Stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.

Ooooops!

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening withhis drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a fullbox of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

Moral of the Story..........

A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids come in and share their stories. After a few students tell their stories, the rest of the class learns some of the morals you'd expect to hear, such as "don't count your chickens before they hatch" and "treat others as you'd like them to treat you."

Then it was little Timmy's turn...

“My daddy told me about my uncle Dave,” says Timmy. “He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands.”
“What is the moral of that horrible story?” yelps the mortified teacher.
“Stay away from Uncle Dave when he’s been drinking.”

Dead Donkey Raffle.................

A young city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "Okay then, just unload the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him"?
Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer says.
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." Kenny said.
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey"?
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
"Didn't anyone complain"? the farmer asked.
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people dieof natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eatthe next thing that comes outta its arse."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a a dog's face, he get's

mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Git-R-Dun.................

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....

He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets
it inside them
logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil And leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to Git-R-Dun)

Scary Lava Flows, Helicopters, and Movies on the Oregon Coast

Ron says... Learn how our home was formed geologically

Scary Lava Flows, Helicopters, and Movies on the Oregon Coast: "Another kind of lava flow that formed the headlands we know and love is called intra-canyon flows. These snaked their way to the coast through riverbeds and around other features, arriving at the coast to build up and up out of deltas of rubbly submarine pillow basalt, which were capped by sheets of dry-land lava flows.
Tillamook Head, Seaside

They too were eroded by time and water into shapes we now know as Cape Foulweather, Cape Lookout, Yaquina Head and Cape Meares"

Scary Lava Flows, Helicopters, and Movies on the Oregon Coast

Ron says:Learn how our home was formed geologically

Scary Lava Flows, Helicopters, and Movies on the Oregon Coast: "Another kind of lava flow that formed the headlands we know and love is called intra-canyon flows. These snaked their way to the coast through riverbeds and around other features, arriving at the coast to build up and up out of deltas of rubbly submarine pillow basalt, which were capped by sheets of dry-land lava flows.
Tillamook Head, Seaside

They too were eroded by time and water into shapes we now know as Cape Foulweather, Cape Lookout, Yaquina Head and Cape Meares"

Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy........ but you still get a sign

*********************************************************************

Number Five Idot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

MILITARY NOTES:

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
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"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps
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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
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"You, you, and you .. Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

TEST PILOT............

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

Advice for the day:

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
--Drew Carey

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote "this. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

It's great to have a gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

You may be addicted to the Internet, if ...

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape 4.0 or higher."
You put down your internet address when filling out your driver's license application.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You laugh at people with 14.4K-baud modems.
You start using smileys in your snail mail.
The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.
You have engaged to someone you've never actually met except through e-mail.
You introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" or husband as "myman@tv.hubby" and refer to your children as "client applications".
You name your children Mosaic, Java and Eudora.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap ... and your child in the overhead compartment.
Only communication in your household is through email.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

Top signs telling You Don't Have A Good Secretary

She has a hard time alphabetizing a bag of M&Ms.
She doesn't get the hang of Post-it Notes.
You have to frequently scrape White-Out off her computer monitor.
At the board meeting for which she is recording the minutes, she stops the proceedings to ask, "What did fatso say?"
She staples her thumbs together more frequently than once a week.
Types 60 words per minute ... but not in English.
She wears White-Out for nail polish.

ICE FISHING.............

A guy is going ice fishing (it is the winter in Minnesota) and he walks out onto the ice and begins drilling a hole. A loud voice - the voice of God - sounds around him. "There are no fish here!" "Hm," the man thinks, and picks up his things to move to another place on the ice. As he begins drilling his second hole, again he hears, "There are no fish here!" "Must be my lucky day," he thinks. "Someone's looking out for me." And he moves again. As he begins drilling his third hole, the voice rings out, "This is the rink attendant! There are NO FISH HERE!"

LADIES ROOM

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "the stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "thestance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"
Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do.
You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, then lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet, of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain; her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get!"
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!).
It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long.It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door

The Replacements

Ron says: Sometimes you just find gold when you mine the internet. This blog is the day to day life of an officer in Iraq. Powerful! Poignant! a must read.

The Replacements: "The Replacements

The Replacements is the War Blog of 1LT Adam Tiffen, an Infantry Officer that served in Iraq from May 2005 - May 2006. It is monitored but not currently updated. He returned safely from Iraq, and now resides in Arlington, Virginia."

BUBBA HAD THE SHINGLES


Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!

Doesn't it seem that more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said Shingles. The doctor asked, Where?

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them??"

Maybe we can get a skydiving class going up here at LVH's, anyone want to go first?

TELEPHONE COMPANY..........

My sister does a lot of telephone calling.

She called the phone company about something, and they were so polite that she thought she had the wrong number.

Five minutes later a survey company called and said, "They don't know but we are conducting a follow-up survey."

"They know," she interrupted.

Sure glad it did't get this bad here at LVH's from the snow, maybe it will melt soon, we are not use to having it around the second day.

THE BOSS CALLING..............
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

This is a true story. During a class on corosion control the instructor told us what chemicals to wash an airplane with under differant conditions. Later he gave us an oral quiz about it. He asked one Sr. Master Sargent this question. What would you use to wash a B52 if it was 34 degrees out? The sarge thought for a few secondsand answered, "Probably about five young airmen."

When I was little, I had this book of 101 elephant jokes and I constantly remember bits and pieces of it occassionally when I'm out with my wife. She can't believe I would tell jokes like them. Anyway, this one's a two parter that my dad and I tag teamed on at dinner last week that made her roll her eyes:

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
*** To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have big flat feet?
*** To stomp out burning ducks.

Cat Had a Rough Night!

"Hey honey, come look a this - I think it might be dangerous."

Blonde Diet

A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.
“No, from skipping.”

Smile and enjoy life the best you can eachday.

Redneck Bubblebath


How does a redneck take a bubblebath?

With water, bubblebath liquid and a Jeff Foxworthy CD

?? THE YEAR 1906??

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1906. One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some statist i cs for the Year 1906 :
************************************
The average life expectancy was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles Of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage was 22 cents per hour.
The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from Entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3 Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." ( Shocking? DUH! )
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
IT STAGGERS THE MIND, EH .?

REMEMBER IT'S ALWAYS EASY TO LAUGH OR HAVE A SMILE ON YOUR FACE..........

You may be an engineer . . .

If buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" or husband as "myman@tv.hubby"
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
If you want an 64X CD-ROM for Christmas.
If Dilbert is your hero.
If you can name six Star Trek episodes.
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
If your wristwatch has more computing power than a Pentium.
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
If you use a CAD package to design your child's Pine Wood Derby car.
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
If you window-shop at Radio Shack.
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
If you have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage-door opener and your camera's flash attachment.
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
If you have modified your can opener to be microprocessor-driven.
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
If you have ever taken the back off of your TV just to see what's inside.
If a team of you and your co-workers has set out to modify the antenna of the radio in your work area for better reception.
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
If you wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).
If you have never backed up your hard drive.
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."
If you see a good design and still have to change it.
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers but you don't remember where they are.
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
If you have more toys than your kids.
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
If your IQ is bigger than your weight.
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix them.
If you can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary.
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already.
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer and what size screw driver to use.
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
If you can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
If everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
If you spend more on your home or laptop computer than your car.
If you know what http:// stands for.
If you know C.
If you've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
If your three-year-old child asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
If your four basic food groups are: l. caffeine; 2. fat; 3. sugar; 4.chocolate.
If you can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them.
If you have automated everything in your house, but none of it meets the National Electrical Code.
If you have ever tried to network your home PC, microwave oven and garage-door opener.
If your spouse keeps tripping over the wire you strung -- temporarily -- three years ago.
If, at a traffic intersection, you try to figure out the synchronization pattern between your car's blinkers or wipers and the others'.
If you can name all the cards in your PC without looking.
If you can cite the latest Intel or Motorola microprocessor generation number such as 80686 or 68060, but can't remember your spouse's birthday.
If you bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
If you are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map.
If you have at least one historical computer in your closet.
If you take along a printout of the schedule of your family vacation.
If you always have to explain things by drawing it out on paper or a napkin.
If your computer is down, you don't know what date is it today and miss all meetings too.
If you read through this list completely ... and try to convince yourself not to agree with at least one of them.

Why was Stonehenge abandoned?

It wasn't IBM compatible.

All About Frank ...........

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special" Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."
"Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his widow!!!"

FLAT TIRE............

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate oneday So she ease sit over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The life like cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, "What is going on here?" "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly."Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer..."Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

Deep Thoughts Deep Thoughts for Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously:

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is like...night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers
4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets thecheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis? Raise my hand.
15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appearbright until you hear them speak.
27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's like a jar ofjalapenos.

What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Prayer Words

One child thought that the words to the Lord's Prayer were, "Give us this day our jelly bread."


Twin girls, who always knelt and prayed together when they went to bed, said, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses."


One nursery school boy said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"


One child spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes."

Hospital Gown

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him."I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!