live where?

You live in Arizona when
>
>
>
>1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
>
>2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the >steering wheel.
>
>3. You've experienced condensation on you from the hot water in the toilet >bowl.
>
>4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
>
>5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
>
>6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture >lingerie ads.
>
>7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
>
>8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
>
>9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING >ME??!!
>
>10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face >when you open your oven door.
>
>
>
>You Live in California when..
>
>1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
>
>2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
>
>3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
>
>4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
>
>5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
>
>6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it >will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
>
>You Live in New York City when...
>
>1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
>
>2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State >Building.
>
>3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus >Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
>
>4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
>
>5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language >makes you multi-lingual.
>
>6. You've worn out a car horn.
>
>7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
>
>You Live in Maine when...
>
>1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
>
>2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
>
>3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
>
>4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
>
>5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and >construction.
>
>You Live in the Deep South when...
>
>1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
>
>2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
>
>3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
>
>4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
>
>5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, >MARY BETH, etc.
>
>You live in Colorado when...
>
>1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
>
>2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at >the day care center.
>
>3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
>
>4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
>
>You live in the Midwest when...
>
>1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
>
>2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
>
>3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
>
>4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
>
>5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was >different!"
>
>You live in Florida when....
>
>1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
>
>2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
>
>3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
>
>4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
>
>5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

southern windowa

Windows 2005 Southern Edition

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Windows 2005 Southern Edition may have accidentally been shipped outside of the south.

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The Southern Edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: "WINDERS 2005", with a background picture of Waylon and Willie superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"

My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"

Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"

Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"

Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"

Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"

Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up.

Changes in Terminology In Southern Edition:

Cancel............stopdat

Reset..............try'er agin

Yes...............yep

No................nope

Find...............hunt fer it

Go to............over yonder

Back...............back yonder

Help..............hep me out here

Stop...............kwitit (WHOA!)

Start............crank'er up

Settings..........settins

Programs......... stuff 'at duz stuff

Documents....... .stuff ah done did

Men Never Listen



A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.

Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.


He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

These are incredible painted hands!













e 

TOP 6 best female drivers

Sixth Place...

Fifth Place...

Fourth Place...

Bronze Medalist...

Silver Medalist...

World Champion!...Helmet is on backwards 

catfish

This was a pretty interesting story from The Sunday Wichita Eagle Newspaper a couple of weeks ago. A resident in the area saw a ball bouncing around kind of strange in a nearby pond and went to investigate. It turned out to be a flathead catfish who had obviously tried to swallow a child's basketball which became stuck in its mouth!!

The fish was totally exhausted from trying to dive, but unable to because the ball would always bring him back up to the surface. The resident tried numerous times to get the ball out, but was unsuccessful. He finally had his wife cut the ball in order to deflate it and release the hungry catfish.

You probably wouldn't have believed this, if you hadn't seen the following pictures...









end 

s fun

SENIOR HUMOR

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
-----------------------------------------
An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me ..
your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
-----------------------------------------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for
------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. -----------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.
----------------------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so gray
and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
----------------------------------------------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
--------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft..
Today, it's called golf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A WELL PLANNED LIFE????
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school,
Did you manage to live a well planned life? "
" Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked,
"What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go.

mechanic

Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead.

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

symptoms

The Centre for Disease Control has released a
list
of symptoms of
bird
flu. If you experience any of the following,
please seek medical
treatment
immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's
windshield.

50's

Comments made in the year 1955:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."



"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."



"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."



"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"



"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."



"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."



"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.



"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."



"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."



"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."



"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."



"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."



"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."



"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."



"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."



"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."



"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."



Know friends who would get a kick out of these? Pass it on!

Web Edition - NewsGator Online

Web Edition - NewsGator Online: "Alfred Hitchcock
'Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.'"

Web Edition - NewsGator Online

Web Edition - NewsGator Online: "Alfred Hitchcock
'Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.'"

EXERCISE

Exercise For Older Americans:
The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:



Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper



Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head



Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles



Advise the President on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire



Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge

Saturday


Pick up the pieces.



Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them


What a Workout!

COMICS

Illusion

A COOL ILLUSION CLICK HERE

 

(! On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss
America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not

live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,

then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,

which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.



`````````! `````````````````````````



"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids

all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love

to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and

death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey



````````````



"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very

important part of your life,"

--Brooke Shields! , during an interview to become

Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````





"I've never had major knee surgery on any other partof my body,"

--Winston Bennett,

University of Kentucky basketball forward.

`````````````````````````````````````````````





"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the

lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.



"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death

by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas.

`````` ``````````````````````



"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````



"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."!

--Dan Quayle

``````````





"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much

clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

```````````



"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A

genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

>THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS
UP
>AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT
ATTENDANT
>WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE
BLONDE
>THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE
BACK.
>
>THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND
I'M
>STAYING RIGHT HERE."
>
>THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE
>COPILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN
>ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
>
>THE COPILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE
SHE
>ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
>
>THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON
AND
>I'M
>STAYING RIGHT HERE."
>
>THE COPILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE
WAITING
>WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
>
>THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M
MARRIED
>TO
>A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
>
>HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH,
I'M
>SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
>
>THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND COPILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID
TO
>MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
>
>I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."

a