Sniffer Dog.......

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them. The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog. "His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is," he said. " I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work. "The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search. "Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police." The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?" The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

HMOs........

Health Maintenance Organizations
In the United States, there are various forms of Health Insurance. One form is the HMO, where you must go to their doctors for healthcare. Frequently Asked Questions pertaining to HMO Plans:

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, ""Hey, Moe!"" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!
Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that the $10 CO-payment is all you're risking, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.
Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then."

Instructions for giving your cat a pill......
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore loud growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with it's head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10.Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Conundrums .......

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English Language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musiciansdenoted, cowboys deranged,models deposed tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
18. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
19. No one ever says , "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
20. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
21. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
22. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a section in a swimming pool?
23. OK . So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what doesthat make the Tennessee Titans?
24. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. Does that mean That one out of five enjoys it?

Country boy........

When you're from the country you look at things a little
different..........
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and
knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"
"No, sir, she ain 't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there an ything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows
where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take
a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer
Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae,
Pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about
that" he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50
for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

Mason-Dixon
Advice for Northerners moving South

In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in afour-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
~Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.
~Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" isplural possessive.
~Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
~Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
~Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck orbig'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect thisway. All of them are in denial about it.
~The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
~Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
~If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, check this out," you should stayout of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
~If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
~Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
~In the South, they have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
~AND REMEMBER:If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think they will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Church Bloopers........

- OUR NEXT SONG IS "ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD GET HIGH".
- DON'T LET WORRY KILL YOU - LET THE CHURCH HELP.
- REMEMBER IN PRAYER THE MANY WHO ARE SICK OF OUR CHURCH AND COMMUNITY.
- FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE CHILDREN AND DON'T KNOW IT, WE HAVE A NURSERY DOWNSTAIRS.
- WEIGHT WATCHERS WILL MEET AT 7 P.M. AT THE FIRST PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH. PLEASE USE LARGE DOUBLE DOOR AT THE SIDE ENTRANCE. JEAN WILL BE LEADING A WEIGHT-MANAGEMENT SERIES WEDNESDAY NIGHTS. SHE USES THE PROGRAM HERSELF AND HAS BEEN GROWING LIKE CRAZY!
- THE ROSEBUD ON THE ALTAR THIS MORNING IS TO ANNOUNCE THE BIRTH OF DAVID ALAN BELZER, THE SIN OF REV. AND MRS. JULIUS BELZER.
- THIS AFTERNOON THERE WILL BE A MEETING IN THE SOUTH AND NORTH ENDS OF THE CHURCH. CHILDREN WILL BE BAPTIZED AT BOTH ENDS.
- TUESDAY AT 4:00 P.M. THERE WILL BE AN ICE CREAM SOCIAL. ALL LADIES GIVING MILK PLEASE COME EARLY.
- WEDNESDAY THE LADIES' LITURGY WILL MEET. MRS. JOHNSON WILL SING "PUT ME IN MY LITTLE BED" ACCOMPANIED BY THE PASTOR.
- THURSDAY AT 5:00 PM THERE WILL BE A MEETING OF THE LITTLE MOTHER'S CLUB. ALL LADIES WISHING TO BECOME ""LITTLE MOTHERS"" WILL MEET WITH THE PASTOR IN HIS STUDY.
- THIS BEING EASTER SUNDAY, WE WILL ASK MRS. LEWIS TO COME FORWARD AND LAY AN EGG ON THE ALTAR.
- THE SERVICE WILL CLOSE WITH "LITTLE DROPS OF WATER." ONE OF THE LADIES WILL START QUIETLY AND THE REST OF THE CONGREGATION WILL JOIN IN.
- NEXT SUNDAY A SPECIAL COLLECTION WILL BE TAKEN TO DEFRAY THE COST OF THE NEW CARPET. ALL THOSE WISHING TO DO SOMETHING ON THE CARPET WILL COME FORWARD AND DO SO.
- THE LADIES OF THE CHURCH HAVE CAST OFF CLOTHING OF EVERY KIND. THEY CAN BE SEEN IN THE CHURCH BASEMENT SATURDAY.
- THURSDAY NIGHT-POTLUCK SUPPER. PRAYER AND MEDICATION TO FOLLOW. THE LUTHERAN MEN'S GROUP WILL MEET AT 6 P.M. STEAK, MASHED POTATOES, GREEN BEANS, BREAD AND DESSERT WILL BE SERVED FOR A NOMINAL FEEL.
- A BEAN SUPPER WILL BE HELD ON TUESDAY EVENING IN THE CHURCH HALL. MUSIC WILL FOLLOW.
8 NEW CHOIR ROBES ARE CURRENTLY NEEDED, DUE TO THE ADDITION OF SEVERAL NEW MEMBERS AND TO THE DETERIORATION OF SOME OLDER ONES.
- THE SENIOR CHOIR INVITES ANY MEMBER OF THE CONGREGATION WHO ENJOYS SINNING TO JOIN THE CHOIR.
- AT THE EVENING SERVICE TONIGHT, THE SERMON TOPIC WILL BE ""WHAT IS HELL?"" COME EARLY AND LISTEN TO OUR CHOIR PRACTICE.
- THE PREACHER WILL PREACH HIS FAREWELL MESSAGE, AFTER WHICH THE CHOIR WILL SING, "BREAK FORTH WITH JOY."
- THE EIGHTH GRADERS WILL BE PRESENTING SHAKESPEARE'S "HAMLET" IN THE CHURCH BASEMENT ON FRIDAY AT 7 P.M. THE CONGREGATION IS INVITED TO ATTEND THIS TRAGEDY.
- PLEASE JOIN US AS WE SHOW OUR SUPPORT FOR AMY AND ALAN IN PREPARING FOR THE GIRTH OF THEIR FIRST CHILD.
- THE ASSOCIATE MINISTER UNVEILED THE CHURCH'S NEW GIVING CAMPAIGN SLOGAN LAST SUNDAY: "I UPPED MY PLEDGE --- UP YOURS"

By all Means... MARRY!

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

You Gotta Love A Nurse......

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally
got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was
making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide
strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the sentence:
'Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week...'

Workers Comp..........
Here's an accident report from the Workers' Compensation Board.
Dear Sir: I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs. of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

I believe we can add the whole state of Oregon also.......maybe we will have Spring this year......

A Senior Citizen .......
am a senior citizen...
- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...
- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?

What Do You Get For Yard Work?
The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks.He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, "The lady who lives here, lets me sleep with her."

Blind salesman......
A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked, there's a knock at the door. The nun calls, "Who is it?"A voice answers, "A blind salesman."The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says, "Uhhhh, well hello there, can I sell you a blind, dearie...?"

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary.......
Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.
Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ...

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary.......
Day number 1808:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!1:00 pm - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!5:00 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!5:30 pm - Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!
Day number 1818:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!1:00 pm - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!5:00 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!5:30 pm - Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!
Day number 1828:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!1:00 pm - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!5:00 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!5:30 pm - Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!

Moms Alphabet.......

A - ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
E - EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."
F - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
J - JUNK: Dad's stuff.
K - KISS: Mom's medicine.
L - LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit of 15 cents.
M - MAYBE: No.
N - Nail Polish: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
O - OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
P - PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
Q - QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
R - REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
S - SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
T - TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS".
U - UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
V - VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
W - WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
X - XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
Y - "YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of school.
Z - ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

How To Translate Things Men Say.......

* "It's a guy thing." really means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
* "Can I help with dinner?" really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
* "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
* "It would take too long to explain." really means... "I have no idea how it works."
* "I'm getting more exercise lately." really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
* "We're going to be late." really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
* "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." really means... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
* "That's interesting, dear." really means... "Are you still talking?"
* "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." really means... "I forgot our anniversary again."
* "That's women's work." really means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
* "You know how bad my memory is." really means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop' and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
* "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." really means... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
* "I do help around the house." really means... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
* "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing. "Really means... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
* "I can't find it." really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

Bumperstickers.........

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

Annoying Top 10 ways to brighten your day by annoying others.......

1. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
3. Practice making fax and modem noises.
4. Make beeping noises when you back up.
5. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
6. Yell out random numbers while someone is counting.
7. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"...."What?..."Never mind, it's gone now."
8. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
9. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
10.Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Three Old Men.......
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Three Wise Women.......
Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and, brought practical gifts.

When I Die Husband:
Honey, when I die, will you marry again? Wife: I am afraid I will. You know how much I hate solitude. Husband: Will you let him drive my car? Wife: Well, I think so. Husband: Will you let him sit in my favorite chair? Wife: Maybe. Husband: Will you let him have my gold watch? Wife: Maybe. Husband: Will you let him wear my nice suits? Wife: No, he is shorter.

Silence Isn't Always Golden......
Once upon a time, there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.) One day, he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes) and fell madly in love with her. With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." But at the end of these 2 years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5. At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking. Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"

VIRUS.......
A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests and finds himself in a private room at the hospital. The phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious virus."
"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.
The doctor replied, "Not a chance! It's the only food we can get under the door."

Wish You Were Here.....
A man left Wisconsin for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip in New York and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida he e-mailed his wife to let her know he had arrived, but accidentally sent it to the wrong e-mail address. Instead of going to his wife his e-mail went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail she screamed and fainted. Her son rushed into the room and found this message displayed on her computer screen:
"My darling wife: I just checked in, everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing you again.
Your loving husband.
p.s. Sure is hot down here."

Worry-wart.....
Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was
ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who
could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change
and asked "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since." replied Jack.
"That must be expensive." Bob replied. "He charges $5,000 a month." Jack told him.
"$5,000!!? How in the world can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob.
"I don't know, that's his problem."

A Surgical Approach.....

The first surgeon, from New York says "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered".The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded".The third surgeon, from Dallas says "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order".The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in "You know, I like construction workers those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over".But the fifth surgeon, from Washington D.C., shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable.

Leaving Money......

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there." They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

The Break Up......

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruinyour day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing,forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?"the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the oldman said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking aboutthis, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "There's no waythey're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She callsPhoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT gettingdivorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brotherback and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOUHEAR ME?" And she hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to hiswife, smiling. "Great," he says, "they're coming home for Christmas AND paying their ownway!!

The Indian Chief.......
In the 1800's there was a family traveling out west when they came upon an Indian Chief with his ear to the ground. "2 wagon trains, 3 men on horse back, 1 herd of cattle." Said the Indian Chief. The family was amazed. "You mean you can tell all of that is coming just by putting your ear to the ground?" Asked the father. The Indian Chief looked up and replied, "NO! They ran over me ten minutes ago!"

Perhaps this is one of the reasons for the deterioration of standards since the 1940's.....

Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58.The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
Teaching Math In 1950 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2007 Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?

The Four Ghosts of the White House......

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what’s the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away... The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight... The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist... Bush isn’t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?" Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

Stumpy and His Wife........
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Ponderings collection.......

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is the word big so little and the word little so big?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

LVH'S NEW RACING UNITS.....MIGHT BE FUN!

GOOD OLD OUT HOUSE......

Real news headlines.......

Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English".

On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.

The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said. With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.

A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.

Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated.

He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.

Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.

A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.

True marketing errors........

Below are fine examples of what happens when marketing translations fail to reach a foreign country in an understandable way.
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water."Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese. When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

Public service announcements around the world.....

USA: "It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your children are?"
Italy: "It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your husband is?"
France: "It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your wife is?"
Poland: "It's ten o'clock. Do you know what time it is?"

BETTER TO SEE YOU WITH.....

ENJOYING A DIP IN THE POOL....

Pass the plate........

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him, him, and him."

Job Interview.........

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held."I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job.""Yes," says the man. "Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that." "Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."

Dog Rules...
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU.....

What the Doctor Says vs. What He Really Means:
"This should be taken care of right away."This is easy and profitable so I want to fix it before it cures itself
"Welllllll, what have we here..."I don't have any idea what it is, and hope you'll give me a clue
"We'll see."First I have to check my malpractice insurance
"Let me check your medical history."I want to see if you're paid up before spending any more time with you
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of my time
"I have some good news and some bad news."The good news: I get a new BMW. The bad news: You're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."Maybe in a few days it will turn into something that can be cured
"Let me schedule you for some tests."I have a forty percent interest in the lab
"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."I hate those guys horning in on our fees
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."I haven't the faintest idea what to do. Maybe the Nurse will interrupt
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune
"How are we today?"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."I think I'm going to throw up
"This may hurt a little."Last week two patients bit through their tongues
"This should fix you up."The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig
"Everything seems to be normal." I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all
"I'd like to run some more tests."I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this
"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves ?"I'm hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees
"If those symptoms persist, call for another appointment."I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week
"There is a lot of that going around."My God, that's the third one this week... I'd better learn something about this

Golden Books That Never Made It........
You Are Different And That's Bad
The Boy Who Died - From Eating All His Vegetables
Dad's New Wife Robert
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
Strangers Have The Best Candy
You Were an Accident
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Microwave Games
The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
Your Nightmares Are Real
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

True marketing errors...........

Below are fine examples of what happens when marketing translations fail to reach a foreign country in an understandable way.
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water."
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

MAGICIAN AND THE PARROT.......

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, " It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, " It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time."All right I give up..." chirped the parrot, ". What have you done with the ship?"

A LONG HAPPY LIFE.......

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch."I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?""I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.""That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'"Twenty-six," he said.

Efficiency in Motion...

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they reached a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Don't hold your breath; they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"