OLD TIME GAS STATIONS......

Parking in the Snow......

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Bob's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out. Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Goodbye, mother........

Walking through a supermarket, a young man noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her for a while, but when he got to the checkout line, she got in front of him.“Pardon me,” she said. “I’m sorry if I’ve been staring, but you look just like me son who died recently.“I’m sorry for your loss,” the young man replied. “Is there anything I can do for you?”“Well, as I’m leaving, could you just say ‘Goodbye, mother!?’ It would make me feel so much better.” She gave him a sweet smile.“Of course I can,” the young man promised.As she gathered her bags and left, he called out “Goodbye, mother!” just as she had requested, feeling good about her smile.Stepping up to the counter, he saw that his total was about $100 higher than it should be. “That amount is wrong,” he said. “I only have a few items!”“Oh, your mother said that you would pay for her,” explained the clerk.

Blonde in The Mirror................

Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror.She picks it up, looks into it, and says, “WOW! I know this person. I’ve seen this person somewhere before…”The other blonde takes the mirror, looks into it, and says, “Duh, of course you have. That’s me!”

Buying Curtains ..........

A woman walks into a store that makes curtains.She says to the clerk,“I would like curtains the size of my computer screen.”The clerk says,“Why the size of you computer screen?”The woman replies,“Because I’ve got windows!”

BEAUTY OF HAND PAINTING.............

You may be an engineer ...Excerpts from Electronic Engineering Times. Its origin is unknown.
You may be an engineer . . .

If buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" or husband as "myman@tv.hubby"
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
If you want an 64X CD-ROM for Christmas.
If Dilbert is your hero.
If you can name six Star Trek episodes.
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
If your wristwatch has more computing power than a Pentium.
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
If you use a CAD package to design your child's Pine Wood Derby car.
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
If you window-shop at Radio Shack.
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
If you have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage-door opener and your camera's flash attachment.
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
If you have modified your can opener to be microprocessor-driven.
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
If you have ever taken the back off of your TV just to see what's inside.
If a team of you and your co-workers has set out to modify the antenna of the radio in your work area for better reception.
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
If you wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).
If you have never backed up your hard drive.
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."
If you see a good design and still have to change it.
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers but you don't remember where they are.
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
If you have more toys than your kids.
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
If your IQ is bigger than your weight.
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix them.
If you can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary.
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already.
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer and what size screw driver to use.
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
If you can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
If everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
If you spend more on your home or laptop computer than your car.
If you know what http:// stands for.
If you know C.
If you've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
If your three-year-old child asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
If your four basic food groups are: l. caffeine; 2. fat; 3. sugar; 4.chocolate.
If you can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them.
If you have automated everything in your house, but none of it meets the National Electrical Code.
If you have ever tried to network your home PC, microwave oven and garage-door opener.
If your spouse keeps tripping over the wire you strung -- temporarily -- three years ago.
If, at a traffic intersection, you try to figure out the synchronization pattern between your car's blinkers or wipers and the others'.
If you can name all the cards in your PC without looking.
If you can cite the latest Intel or Motorola microprocessor generation number such as 80686 or 68060, but can't remember your spouse's birthday.
If you bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
If you are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map.
If you have at least one historical computer in your closet.
If you take along a printout of the schedule of your family vacation.
If you always have to explain things by drawing it out on paper or a napkin.
If your computer is down, you don't know what date is it today and miss all meetings too.
If you read through this list completely ... and try to convince yourself not to agree with at least one of them.

The Next Olympics in Houston ...
In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2020, the organizers of Houston's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events.
A copy has been obtained and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONYThe Olympic flame will be ignited by a gasoline bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Pasadena area), wearing the traditional costume of leather jacket, baseball cap with Enron logo and tattoo. It will burn for the duration of the games in a large armored truck sitting on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTSIn previous Olympic games, Houstonians have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of athletes from Greater Houston. These include:
100 METERS SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a VCR and a car stereo (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting gun, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
400 METERS HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (ie. taxicabs, trash cans, backyard fences, shopping carts, ... etc.)
HIGH JUMP
Barbed wires like those used in state jails are added, electrifying is optional.
HAMMER THROW
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
FENCING
Crow bars, broken beer bottles and batons are used instead of swords. During the final round, the winners will chase after the losers who are dropping all the VCR's, car stereos etc. behind them.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving armored truck. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or convenient store cashier. The final round requires competitors sitting inside a car and driving by a residential area to shoot at their targets.
WEIGHTLIFTING
Competitors will try to life the heaviest trash can or shopping cart stuffed with weighs and throw toward a shop window. The winner will be determined by how much merchandise one can grab within a minute.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a basketball championship game night. The husband will be given a bottle of wine while the wife will be told not to bring him any corkscrew when the Rockets has just been behind 20 points. The bout will then commence.
WRESTLING
DWI and bomber suspects are to be let loose for 30 seconds before law enforcement officers storm in. Batons and handcuffs are not allowed in this event.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to go to a college campus and steal an expensive mountain bike owned by a hillbilly on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a defensive line backer of the ex-Houston Oiler, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking-in, flashing, purse snapping and drug delivering.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided since it is not likely held in the Memorial Park. The competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.
SWIMMING
Competitors will choose to be either thrown off into the Bayou or thrown into the Whitewater. The first three survivors back will decide the medals and the medal will be presented by the Ex-President to the one who has survived the Whitewater.
MENS 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be canceled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Pasadena.
THE CLOSING CEREMONYEntertainment will include formation rave dancing by members from the drug dealers, abortion advocates and immoral groups, synchronized rock throwing and music by the Army Sex Scandal Band.
The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the apartment building next to the stadium.
The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and wiring, and the equipment such as the PA system, scoreboard, big screen ... etc.

TO GET A LARGER VIEW OF THE PICTURE, CLICK ON PICTURE AND AFTER VIEW CLICK ARROW BACK.

INCREDIBLE !

The picture was taken in 1918. It is 18,000 men preparing for war in a training camp at Camp Dodge in Iowa . A gift from our grandfathers. ..

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME..........


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC . " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT . "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all those PEAS are gone!!!"
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER . "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY . "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION "Just wait until we get home"
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE . "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS . "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM . "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: - My mother taught me about JUSTICE . "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Management Styles...........

1. MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2. MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.
3. MANAGING BY POST-ITS� Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-Its� while you are talking.
4. MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.
5. MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.
6. MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.
7. MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.
8. MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.
9. MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
10. MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.
11. MANAGING BY STUDYING Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.
12. MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
13. MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
14. MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
15. MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.
16. BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS ) This management style is ATRASACWOC ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication ).
17. MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.
18. MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.
19. MANAGING BY BELIEVING These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
20. MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.

Old Age Alphabet........


A's for arthritis,
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains - perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show...
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus - there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary... big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry - NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found;
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.
DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.
DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words.
WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".

A Really Bad Day..........
The following is seen in a Florida newspaper:
Ever had a day like this?
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.
The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprights the motorcycle and pushed it outside.
Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
This story redefines what it is to have a bad day.

Bedside Manners.....
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.
"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"
"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.
"I think you're bad luck."

Amish Humor......

Sign behind an Amish carriage:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.
CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"

After Christmas
================
Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheeseAnd the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt
I said to myself, as I only can"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!
"So away with the last of the sour cream dip,Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore But isn't that what January is for?Unable to giggle, no longer a riot. Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

To enjoy some good humor......click on the below site and turn your speakers on.


YouTube - Mississippi Squirrel Revival--Ray Stevens

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?Nurse: No change yet.

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.""In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"

The doctor called Mrs. Cooney over and gave her the news. "I'm afraid your husband has a very serious illness. In fact, it might be fatal. There are two things you have to do to save his life. First, you'll have to fix him three home-cooked meals a day for the rest of his life. And second, you'll have to make love to him every day without fail.""I'll break the news to him myself," she said.Stepping across the waiting room to her husband Mrs. Cooney announced, "Guess what, Cooney. You're gonna die!!"

Twelve Steps to Shopping Heaven
1) Ensure fridge and cupboards are well stocked to guarantee survival of husband and kids.
2) Alert bank manager and credit card companies.
3) Have a final run through those offensive and defensive karate moves.
4) Immediately on arriving at shops make that all important ‘first purchase’ to get you into the swing of things.
5) Buy the outfit you have been watching for months but dared not buy because it was much, much too expensive – because now it’s 5% off.
6) Try on every shoe, dress, blouse, skirt and jacket in every store whether in your size or not.
7) Make a mad last minute dash around all shops buying up everything that you were previously undecided about.
8) While husband makes you a reviving cup of tea give kids their presents. You did remember to get them something?!
9) Present husband with all the receipts – resuscitate.
10) Separate those outfits which will go into your wardrobe from those that can go directly to the Oxfam shop.
11) Spend three hours in the bath planning your next shopping extravaganza.
12) Celebrate all your purchases!

You Are As Old As You Feel.....

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."
George Burns.

"I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps changing all the time."
Greer Garson.

"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
George Burns

"Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate." Woody Allen

SLOW DOWN.......

I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: "Seize the moment."Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet. Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.
I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched Jeopardy! on television?
I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gasp and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, it looks like rain. " And my personal favorite: "It's Monday. " She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.
Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect. We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.
Life has a way of accelerating, as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on" and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."
When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my hips with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.
Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to...not something on your SHOULD DO list.
If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, whom would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO LET'S REMEMBER WHO'S DAY OF BIRTH THIS THT WE CELEBRATE...............HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE MANIN MAN......THE MAN ABOVE!

Kids on life................

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!" ~HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. ~OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents." ~KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." ~MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" ~POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" " Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" ~POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?" ~ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" ~DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." ~DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn..... and into the hole he gooooes." ~SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

Dog and Cat Diaries.........

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
Day number 1808:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!1:00 pm - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!5:00 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!5:30 pm - Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!
Day number 1818:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!1:00 pm - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!5:00 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!5:30 pm - Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!
Day number 1828:00 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!9:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!9:40 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!10:30 am - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!11:30 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!12:00 noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!1:00 pm - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.4:00 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!5:00 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!5:30 pm - Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.
Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ...



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary...........
Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.
Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ...

Must be Psychic........
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallonof 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romainelettuce, a 2 lbs can of coffee, and a 1 lb package of bacon.As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check-out, a drunkstanding behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.While the cashier was ringing up her purchases the drunk calmly stated, "Youmust be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation but she was equally intriguedby the derelict's intuition since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusualabout her selections that could have tipped off her drunken observer as to hermarital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you'reabsolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

The Wedding......

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

Click on the chimmey.......Merry Christmas to all out there..........and Happy New Year!

The phone call......

Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, It's me." "Sugar!" "Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500." "Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much." "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000!" "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! Before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property...""How much are they asking?""Only $650,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $620,000, OK?" "Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

My Three Sons........

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. Remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon there after, mom sent a letter to each son. "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Last Respects........

At a motivational seminar 3 men are asked to come up to the stage.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Scientists Clone
Red Fluorescent Cats....


SciSouth Korean scientists have cloned cats that look reddish under ultraviolet light by modifying a protein gene to change their skin color.
The team at Gyeongsang National University produced three Turkish Angora cats possessing altered fluorescence protein (RFP) genes.
The Ministry of Science and Technology said, “It marked the first time in the world that cats with RFP genes have been cloned. The ability to produce cloned cats with the manipulated genes is significant as it could be used for developing treatments for genetic diseases and for reproducing model (cloned) animals suffering from the same diseases as humans.”

Also, the team stated this cloned cat research will be used to help reproduce rare animals, such as tigers, leopards, and wildcats, which are on the verge of extinction. The technology will also be used to develop stemcell treatments.
To clone the Turkish Angora cats, the team used skin cells of the mother cat. They modified its genes to make them fluorescent by using a virus, which was transplanted into the ova. The ova were then implanted into the womb of the donor cat.
Source: Korea Times, AFP

QUOTES.......

I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
Charles Dickens......


I asked for riches, that I may be happy; I was given poverty, that I mightbe wise.
Lazlo’s Chinese Relativity Axiom.......

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those whohave not got it.
George Bernard Shaw...........

Instead of being a time of unusual behavior, Christmas is perhaps the only time in the year when people can obey their natural impulses and express their true sentiments without feeling self-conscious and, perhaps, foolish. Christmas, in short, is about the only chance a man has to be himself.
Francis C. Farley.......

Education makes a people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy togovern but impossible to enslave.
Baron Henry Peter Brougham.......

There are fools everywhere, even in asylums.
George Bernard Shaw.....

“Whatever else be lost among the years, Let us keep Christmas still a shining thing: Whatever doubts assail us, or what fears, Let us hold close one day, remembering Its poignant meaning for the hearts of men. Let us get back our childlike faith again.” — Grace Noll Crowell

Pauly came home from his first day commuting to work into the city.Mrs. Pauly noticed he was looking a little peaked and asked, “Honey,are you feeling all right?”
“Not really,” Pauly replied. “I’m nauseous from sitting backwardon the train.”
“Poor dear,” Mrs. Pauly said. “Why didn’t you ask the person sittingacross from you to switch seats for a while?”
“I couldn’t,” replied Pauly, “there was no one there.”

Funny Jokes - Tax Jokes - Tax Forms
The difference between the short tax form and long tax form is simple.
If you use the short form, the government gets your money.
If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.

Funny Jokes - Only In America…..
Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way tothe back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy peoplecan buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America……do people order double cheeseburgers, largefries,and a diet coke.
Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chainthepens to the counters.
Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars inthedriveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and bunsinpackages of eight.
Only in America……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe theprocess so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning‘bloodsucking creatures’.
Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braillelettering.

I had to print this........very touching and so true........not much more to say.

GEORGE CARLIN (His wife recently died...)
Isn't it amazing that George Carlin -comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...andso very appropriate. ? ? A Message by George Carlin: The paradox of our time in history is thatwe have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too

seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers,throw away morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete... Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and anembrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.Give time to love, give time to speak! Andgive time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

/s/George Carlin

"THINNING THE HERD" 2007
Eighth Place: In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate while trying to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker -- who often bragged he was "totally-zoned when he ran" -- accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily workout.
Sixth Place: While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a local hospital.
Fifth Place: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four cartridges into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place: After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H & J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION: Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to create some excitement. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE 2007 WINNER IS... Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of a animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes, before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the beast suddenly unloaded. The she er force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that once again proves..."---- happens!"

The following ad is reported to have gotten numerous calls...SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Lab.

~~~~~

This guy sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "Because he's such a liar.

The Cat LadyAuthor Unknown.............
I have lived in my neighborhood for twenty years. It seems to me that I've spent at least ten of those years looking for a lost pet, either mine or one I'd seen listed in the newspaper's lost pet column. Recently, I was at it again, going door-to-door looking for one of my own lost kitties, a little black cat named Nicholas who'd slipped out the door before I could stop him. I made my rounds, visiting with all the neighbors, describing Nicholas. Familiar with this routine, everyone promised to keep an eye out and call me if they spotted him. Two blocks from my house I noticed a gentleman raking leaves in the yard of a home that had recently been sold. I introduced myself and presented my new neighbor with the plight of the missing Nicholas, asking if he had seen him. "No," he replied, "I've not seen a little black kitty around here." He thought for a moment, looked at me and said, "But I know who you should ask. Several of my neighbors have told me that there's a woman in the neighborhood that's crazy about cats. They say she knows every cat around here, probably has dozens herself. They call her `The Cat Lady.' Be sure and check with her." "Oh, thank you," I said eagerly. "Do you know where she lives?" He pointed a finger down the street, "It's that one." I followed his finger and started to laugh. He was pointing at my house!