HUMOR............
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, France is accusing the US of arrogance and Germany doesn't want to go to war."
............
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
...........
President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President."
Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Republican puppies." The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies." The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!"
.............
What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?... His ass!
............
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face.
"Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down.
Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

THE MOST CREATIVE JOKES.......
For People who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

In a school the teacher asks Johnny - "If there are 3 birds sitting on a wire and if u shoot the middle one then how many birds remain ?" Johnny takes a moment and says "None !" "How ?" the teacher asks. "Well if u shoot one of them then the rest of them will fly away !" replied Johnny.

If nothing sticks to Teflon how does Teflon stick to a pan?

THE BEST HUSBAND and WIFE JOKE.......

What's the definition of mixed emotions?? Watching your mother-in-law go off a cliff in your new Mercedes! Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS": * The Engagement Ring * The Wedding Ring * The Suffe-Ring and * The Endu-Ring!! Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters!

2007 Monies Left Over..........
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2007.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7). Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! And finally ...
9.) Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

Do not talk to my parrot.....

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she hadto go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Only if I Remembered.......

Another two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a widowerand she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the mealwent on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered thecourage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes.Yes, I will."The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went totheir respective places.Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Noteven a faint memory.With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, heexplained that he didn't remember as we ll as he used to. Then hereviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, heinquired. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or didyou say 'No'?"He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and Imeant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that youcalled, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

In Memory Of John Wilson...rest in Peace John

Honest Lawyer?

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Doctor Visit....

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don�t mind Johnny being in there." "No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons.

Bad Drivers.......

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!" Herman says, "I know, I'm on Route 280 but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!" ''

Make sure to click on each picture to enlarge, then arrow back.

What a great story.........

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to Feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured Maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up For a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they Ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was Unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then He said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?" Bill replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?" "Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty' and
the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Why do we love children?

1) NUDITYI was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONSOn the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
3) KETCHUPA woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITYA little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
5) POLICE # 1While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?” Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.” My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
6) POLICE # 2It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked."It sure is," I replied.Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
8) DRESS-UPA little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."And why not, darling?""You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes." (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank here's the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!) (Supervisor gets on the phone)

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed, so the late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "Do you mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammering) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I really don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is wrong with these people??)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "Yes, that will help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

(Priceless!!)

Bud and Lou in the 21st Century.....
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT:Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just
say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I
need?

ABBOTT: word.

COSTELLO: what word?

ABBOTT: word, in office.

COSTELLO: the only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: the word in office for windows.

COSTELLO: which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: the word you get when you click the blue w

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: yes, you want real one.

COSTELLO: maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: real one.

COSTELLO: if it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch
them?

ABBOTT: of course.

COSTELLO: great, with what?

ABBOTT: real one.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I
do?

ABBOTT: you click the blue 1

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: the blue 1.

COSTELLO: is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: the blue 1 is Realone and the blue w is word.

COSTELLO: what word?

ABBOTT: the word in office for windows.

COSTELLO: but there's three words in office for windows!

ABBOTT: no, just one. but it's the most popular word in the world

COSTELLO: it is?

ABBOTT: yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty
much wiped out all the other words out there.

COSTELLO: and that word is real one?

ABBOTT: real one has nothing to do with word. Real one isn't even part of
office.

COSTELLO: stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping,
you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: money.

COSTELLO: that's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: it comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: what's bundled to my computer?

ABBOTT: money

COSTELLO: money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: one copy

COSTELLO: isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: they can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: why not, they own it.

SO VERY CUTE...........THEN THEY GROW UP!

City Slicker...
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"
"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

Ages Takes Its Toll...
Three older ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm sure glad I don´t have that problem, knock on wood." She raps her knuckles on the table, then she, says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

IN THE PARK...........
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied."Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Rules of the bathroom.

1.Lift seat cover before starting.
2.Caution!All women place seat in proper position before sitting.
3.Do not waste paper-use both sides.If paper is scarce-use your ingenuity but be careful for hygiene reasons.
4.Do not confuse toilet brush with toothbrush.
5.Save electricity-learn to aim in the dark.
6.Long timers be warned!After two hours ejector chair will start working.
7.We suggest you whistle or sing to obliterate inapprpriate noises.Song sheets are available from the host.
8.When writing graffiti on the wall-use only waterproof colors and brushes of good quality.Please write legibly.
9.Flush only when a risk of suffocation or feeling of sickness occurs.
10.Warning!When dispatching excessive amounts there is a strong possibility of blockage.Flush several times and hope for the best.
11.If flooding occurs-keep calm.Life vest is under your seat.Tread water until help arrives.
12.Avoid crowds-max:16 persons in this room.

HEARING AID.........CAN'T OUT FOX THE SENIORS~!

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased. The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"

Old-age Joke.................

Two old men are chatting. One man says, "My friend, you must try this memory pill I'm taking. I remember everything. It's amazing, this pill." The other man says, "Sounds wonderful. What is the name of the pill?" The first man says, "Euf! (???) The name of the pill!... Let's see... Hmmm, what is the name of the flower... with the thorns? It's red... You give it on Valentine's Day?" The other man says, "A rose?" The first man says, "Yes, that's right!" Then, calling for his wife, he says, "Rose, what is the name of that pill?"

Marriage Joke..........
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL OUT THERE.........
Don´t forget the America Indian.........!

Even the birds can make a smile..................

Cooking Instructions.......

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv."Until the agency received the this letter from an Arkansas camper:"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

Car in Ditch.........
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn’t move.Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn’t respond.Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!"

You know your a redneck when .........

You go to the family reunion to pick up women

When you go shopping for you girlfriend and your mom and only have to buy one gift

Squirrels are living in your kitchen

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive

Bikers back down from your mom

You have a log across your driveway and call it a gate

Pilgrim.............

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?He had an arrow escape

***********************************************

Indian Chief ............

Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?To keep his wigwam

*****************************************************

Mayflower.....................

How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?It hugged the shore

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner(from David Letterman's Top Ten Lists)..............

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you. 9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You're sweatin' gravy.

True Story-------

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible a silver dollar a bottle of whisky a Playboy magazine. "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold. "Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna run for Congress

Click on picture to enlarge, then arrow back......

Only if they would remember........
An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Rules of Utah, Idaho and the Wild West (except for Oregon) are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight: it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-80 goes east and west, I-5 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring "Coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards ---it spooks the fish.
16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.
17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines than all of you put together, so don't mess with us. If you do, you'll get whipped by the best.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo ! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon---Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To. And last but not least:
Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

Cheers!

I JUST WANT TO PARTY............!

WHEN you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized ". Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad I do not work in thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson." HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN.....

WHAT SAD LOOKS LIKE..............

BRINGS BACK MEMORIES!

~ The clothesline....a dead give away. Do the kids today even know what a clothesline is? For all of us that are older, this will really bring back the memories. ~ THE BASIC RULES ..

1. You had to wash the clothes line before hanging any clothes. Walk the length of each line with a damp cloth around the line. ..

2. You had to hang the clothes in a certain order and always hang whites with whites and hang them first. ..

3. You never hung a shirt by the shoulders, always by the tail. What would the neighbors think? ~ A clothesline was a news forecast To neighbors passing by. There were no secrets you could keep When clothes were hung to dry. ~ It also was a friendly link For neighbors always knew If company had stopped on by To spend a night or two. ~ For then you'd see the fancy sheets And towels upon the line; You'd see the company table cloths With intricate design. ~ The line announced a baby's birth To folks who lived inside As brand new infant clothes were hung So carefully with pride. ~ The ages of the children could So readily be known By watching how the sizes changed You'd know how much they'd grown. ~ It also told when illness struck, As extra sheets were hung; Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too, Haphazardly were strung. ~ It said, "Gone on vacation now" When lines hung limp and bare. It told, "We're back!" when full lines sagged With not an inch to spare. ~ New folks in town were scorned upon If wash was dingy gray, As neighbors raised their brows, And looked the other way.. ~ But clotheslines now are of the past For dryers make work less. Now what goes on inside a home Is anybody's guess. ~ I really miss that way of life. It was a friendly sign When neighbors knew each other best By what hung out on the line!

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

This is what sorry looks like......

It wouldn't be funny if it wasn't so true... Julie Andrews turned 69 - To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."
Here are the actual lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things. Cadillacs and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things. When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad. Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things. Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things. When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad.

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.) Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.

If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. Some new ones!

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?(brilliant,love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? e.g.abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the Borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one.)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section'
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

WATCHING YOU.....!

Haven't you ever had the urge to loose control when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?
1. Ask for last months specials.
2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.
3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.
4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.
5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.
6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.
7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.
8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.
9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.
10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.
11. Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner.
12. Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel.
13. Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at.
14. Go through drive through naked, excluding the rabbit slippers of course!
15. Go inside and ask in a load voice if they got rid of the Ebola problems they've been having
16. Argue with your passenger (that's not there) and continue until you pay.
17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind.
18. After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.
19. As you're pulling away and they say "Have a nice day!" (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean.
20. Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say "No thank youthis tastes better (pointing to bag from other place), may i have my money back."
21. Play name that tune with person taking the order.
22. Pretend your deaf and order in sign language.
23. Go through Taco Bell order the 7 layer burrito. When they repeat your order ask if each layer of the burrito is sold separately.
24. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that.
25. Go through a drive through after they tell you to pull to the window drive past it and go inside to get your order.

I really do love this country, but......
1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

Signs Seen At Various Foreign Establishments.........
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice. (sic)
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A. M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
At an Acapulco hotel: The management has personally passed the water served here.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop, Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
At a Bangkok dry cleaner: Drop your pants here for best results.
On a toy doll's package in Spain: Laughs while you throw up.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cools and Heats: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.

You may be addicted to the Internet, if ........
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape 4.0 or higher."
You put down your internet address when filling out your driver's license application.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You laugh at people with 14.4K-baud modems.
You start using smileys in your snail mail.
The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.
You have engaged to someone you've never actually met except through e-mail.
You introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" or husband as "myman@tv.hubby" and refer to your children as "client applications".
You name your children Mosaic, Java and Eudora.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap ... and your child in the overhead compartment.
Only communication in your household is through email.
You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...DSL...T1...T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You think Webster's Dictionary is a directory of Web sites.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa but haven't spoken to your next-door neighbor yet this year.
You refer to your age as 3.x.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You really did ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
There is an I.V. stand next to your mini tower.
Choice between paying AOL bill and paying for kids education is easy -- if a little painful for your kids.
AT&T names you Customer of the Month for the third consecutive time.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You have to install a second phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
You hide the bill from the spouse because you may have to sell the family car to pay it.
Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
Batteries in the TV remote now last for months.
You hire a housekeeper for your home page.
New mail alarm on your palmtop annoys other churchgoers.
Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.
Your household pets mimic the soundblaster card for attention.
You unsuccessfully try to download a pizza from www.dominos.com.
You try to order a movie from Blockbuster video by downloading it at 44,000 BPS.
You get hundreds of comments posted for you at EBay.com.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You can't call your mother ... she doesn't have a modem.
You tell the taxi driver you live at http://1100.sunset.ave/mansion/brick.html
You're upset because an obituary fails to mention the deceased's new email address.
You try to pay the babysitter via electronic transfer or PayPal.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
When your car is crashing through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the Back button.
Your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.
You want to meet someone new and your first impulse is to turn on your computer.
You double click your TV remote
You forget that you don't have to use your keyboard when using your telephone.
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You have more than 5 email addresses.
You set up a Web page for each of your kids.
Your dog has its own home page too.
You use more than 20 passwords.
Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
If you can write a list like this.
If you immediately think of ten people to whom you want to send this list.
You come back and check this list every half-hour.

Teens Are Like Cats!
** Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
** No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
** You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
** Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
** No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
** Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
** Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
** Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
** Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
** Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.