Life

As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life...
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5 The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
13 Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL !

UP

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this . . . There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .

When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so . . . Time to shut UP . . .!

Oh ... one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night? U-P

A man goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
The man behind the counter says, "Male or female?" Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"Customer says, "White"Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mallparking lots. Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse. While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat and then they both start begging you for a ride home.Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them willtake off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbsover the seat and unzips your pants. This is when they steal yourwallet. I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but I couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.You've been warned!Be careful

Funny (true?)

Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one ofthem was attacked by a Rottweiller. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped aboard off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it,breaking the dog's neck.A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident andrushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into hislaptop,beginning with the headline:"Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal""But I'm not a Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected."Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I justassumed you were."Hitting the delete key, the reporter began:"John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack""But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the RedSox or Kerry or Kennedy. What team orperson do you like? ""I'm a Texas Ranger fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says. Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again:"Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet"

VERY SAD NEWS…………..

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

Gmail - Adam

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."


Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"


God said, "Go down into that valley."


Adam said, "Ahhhh, What's a valley?"


God explained it to him.


Then God said, "Cross the river."


Adam said, "Uh... What's a river?"


God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."


Adam said, "A hill?"


So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.


He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"


Adam said, "Cave?"


After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."


Adam said, "Huh?"


So God explained to Adam that a woman is the most wondrous of his creations.


Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."


Adam said, "How?"


God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."


And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.


So, Adam goes, "You bet," and so he walks down into the valley,
across the river,
and over the hill,
and into the cave,
and finds the woman.


Then, in about five minutes, he was back.


God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What!!!!!?"


And Adam said,


*


*


*


*


*


*


*


*


*


*


*


"What's a headache?"

"I WAS IN THE EXPRESS LANE"

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you like to buy?"Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!

****

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table."Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."They were seated immediately.

****

The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

****

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

****

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should get used to the idea.

****

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives"Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

****

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, " God, what does a million years mean to you?"The Lord replies, "A minute."Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"The Lord replies, "A penny."Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"The Lord replies, "In a minute"

****

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me.. What should I do?"The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!
=

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $30.00
Coffee $1.00
Total$31.00
==========================================================

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under! car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his newgarage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining ! case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spill during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

Ever seen a great looking quarter horse?

Spaghetti..........

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "S! paghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey," she said. "You received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without!!!

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

I could imagine this happening!
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurantfor lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her........"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card."

Remember 1975 to 2005
1975: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair
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1975: KEG
2005: EKG
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1975: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux
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1975: Moving to California because it's cool
2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
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1975: Tryin to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
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1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage
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1975: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM
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1975: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint
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1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones
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1975: Being called into the principal's office
2005: Calling the principal's office
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1975: Screw the system
2005: Upgrade the system
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1975: Disco
2005: Costco
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1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
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1975: Passing the drivers' test
2005: Passing the vision test
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1975: Whatever
2005: Depends
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Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things..
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The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.
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They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up on liftoff.
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Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
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Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
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The CD was introduced the year they were born. -----------------------
They have always had an answering machine.
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They have always had cable.
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They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
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Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show
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Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
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They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
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They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
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They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
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They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".
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They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. is.
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McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
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They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

"I don't understand..."

I don't understand. After the last child was born, my wife told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included £45 in makeup.I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."I told her, "that's what the beer was for!"

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! ! (aka Physicist!!!)

(True Story)
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and thespace shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate thefrequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strengthof the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted throughthe control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embeddeditself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. Thehorrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with thedesigns of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this... NASA responded with a one-line memo

"Defrost the chicken”

(True Story)

The Blonde Baptist Cowgirl

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church .... and I had to quit drinking.""Hasn't affected my sisters though."

“ELDERLY MAN IN FLORIDA”

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe pits and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look itover. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said,"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast

Note: This was received from Cleda Hampton…..
Because I'm a Man
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling CAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a cold beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

Am I ever tired after a rough day................................

z

"YOU HAVE TO BE OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER"

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses, and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

BAKED BEANS:

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.

When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans as more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room. I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the otherroom, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of myfreedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused:

"Happy Birthday"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3 Minute Management Course

Lesson One:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
____________________________________
Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. " They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Management Lesson: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
____________________________________
Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

What geeks do when they get bored..

BEING OLDER AND OVER YEARS OF AGE

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses).
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with the elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this.

7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very l arge mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Ta ke all you want. God is watching the apples.

Man driving down road ...
Woman driving up same road .
They pass each other ...
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out the window, B I T C H!
Man rounds next curve. Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road, and dies.
Thought For The Day : If only men would listen

SOME DAYS IT JUST DOESN'T PAY...































E

Peter Schrager FOX SPORTS............

FOXSports.com Peter Schrager if he gets sentimental over Super Sunday
front-end hack to remove postedTime from Rumors page until a better way can be determined


DETROIT - Christmas morning always has a familiar feel.
Penning this piece from the downtown Renaissance Center three hours before Super Bowl XL, the energy is electric. Does it feel like Christmas morning? Sure, just add the excitement of New Year's Eve, July 4, graduation day, and your wedding night on top of it. It's arrived, and after a week of anticipation, discussion, and countless "Let's go Steelers" chants here in Detroit — there's an actual football game to be played.

LADIES 40 YEARS AND OVER

Interesting commnents from Andy Rooney !


This is for all you girls 40 years and over.... and for those who are turning 40, and for those who are scared of moving into their 50's...AND 60's....and for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!!

Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage

A WEE BIT O' HUMOR

THE BOX UNDER BILL & HILLARY's BED

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, 'I am putting a box under the bed You must promise never to look in it.'

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her; she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, 'I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?'

Bill thought for a while and said, 'I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it
again.'

Hillary was shocked, but said, 'Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.'

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, 'So why do you have all that money in the box?'

Bill answered, "

First heard in 1956. It seems appropriate this year.

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the Pearly Gates and into Heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said, "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't helpwondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan, "They're Oregonians. They're too wet to burn."

Answers To Quiz

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends . . . Boxing
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . . . Niagara Falls(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . . . Asparagus and Rhubarb
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside. Strawberry
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle (the bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are placed on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing Season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems)
6. Three English words beginning with dw . . . dwarf, dwell and dwindle
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . . period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses
8. The original lakes referred to in Lakers . . . in Minnesota. (The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west.)
9. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: . . . Lettuce

Canoe Race

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and depressed.

The American company decided the reason for their crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Team made up of senior executives was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. They discovered that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing.

The American Management Team hired a consulting firm to assist in analyzing this data, happily paying their considerable fee. After
six months of hard work, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering the Americans' boat, while not enough people were rowing.

So the American Team acted:

To prevent losing to the Japanese again the following year, the team's management structure was totally reorganized, to include 4
steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a
new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. In an all-out attempt to further provide empowerment and enrichment's to the rower, new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised in exchange for a victory in the next competition.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American Management Team laid off the rower for poor performance,
halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses for a job well done.

THE SUPER BOWL TICKET

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.


"No," he says, "The seat is empty."


"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world,and not use it?


"He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we havent been to together since we got married in 1987."


"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend orrelative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".


The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral"

Retarded Grandparent

Retarded Grandparents
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils to write about how they spent their holiday away from school.One child wrote the following:We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They usedto live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved toFlorida.Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look likegrass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got itfixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don'tdo them very well.There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down withhats on.At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts.Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing everynight -- early birds.Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardmentand says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.PRICELESS
 

The Lone Ranger and

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says
Astronomically speaking it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells
me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.  Theologically, the
Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
" Kemo Sabe You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wand ering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".
>
> "Mrs. Ward, please."
> "Speaking."
>
> "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
> When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
> biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now
uncertain
> which one is your husband's.? Frankly the results are either bad or
> terrible."
>
> "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
>
> "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
> other one tested positive for AIDS.? We can't tell which is your
> husband's.
>
> "That's dreadful!? Can't you do the test again?" questioned
Mrs.Ward.
> "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive
> tests one time.

" Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
>
> "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
> somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't
sleep
> with him."