3 Engineers and the Stalled Car.......

Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer,a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong.


The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests, "Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred."


The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, "May be the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system."


The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work."

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the
second one didn't."

-Patrick Murray

Now We Know...........

How come Mexico never has a good Olympic team? Because all of the mexicans that can run, jump, or swim are in the U.S. ...

Baby quotes, quotations and sayings Collection...........

A new baby is like the beginning of all things, hope, a dream of possibilities.

A baby is an angel whose wings decrease while his legs increase.

Children reinvent your world for you.

A baby is a blank cheque made payable to the human race.

A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.

A baby is born with the need to be love and never outgrows it.

Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.

The hardest job facing kids today is to learn good manners without seeing any.

Every baby born into the world is a finer one than the last.

Every new born baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.

A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bank balance smaller, home happier, clothes dirty, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for.

Babies are such a sweet and nice way to start people.

Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit. They hold the baby and I go out.

A baby is an in-estimable blessing and a bother.

Every child born into the world is a new thought of God, an ever fresh and radiant possibility.

Babies are always more trouble than you thought and more wonderful.

The worst feature of a new born baby is to have his mother's singing.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don�t have any.

I don�t know whether they should say "You have a baby" Or "The baby has you".

When I was born I was so surprised I couldn�t talk for a year and a half.

All babies need a lap.

Having a baby is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Stop trying to perfect your children, but keep trying to perfect your relationship with them.

A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again.

Ticket Training......

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Yankees each buy a train ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Yankee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Southerners.

They all board the train. The Yankees take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Yankees see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Yankees decide to copy the Southerners on the return trip and save some money (being tight with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Southerners don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Yankee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Southerner.

When they board the train, the three Yankees cram into a restroom and the three Southerners cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Southerners leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Yankees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

BEST PART OF WAKING UP

Little Billy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Billy replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

Trivial Pursuit

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

Answers are below.

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19 John Travolta turn ed down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

[scroll down for answers]

They are all TRUE ... Now go back and think about #16!!!

Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out,
she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought...; Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....
They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane , that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?" I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy
Birthday. And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked.

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house
was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a
flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the
baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
pushed and after a little while, Conner was born. The paramedic lifted him
by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Conner began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed

3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly

responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"


If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

Just before the funeral's services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

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Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
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The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

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From Florida.....I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

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memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

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Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

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It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

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These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief

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Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

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--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Unclear on the Concept........

Steven McCuller, 20, was arrested twice in a two-week period for burglary in Pascagoula, Miss., but it was the earlier January arrest that was the more controversial. George Stevenson, 33, a security guard on duty at the Eastwood Townhomes complex, saw McCuller on the grounds late at night and chased him until the pursuit took both men to the nearby Arlington Elementary School, where Stevenson apprehended McCuller and waited for police to arrive. McCuller was charged in that matter, but Stevenson, also, was arrested and charged both with trespassing at a school and carrying a weapon (his service gun) on school grounds (even though, obviously, no students were present). [Mississippi Press (Pascagoula), 2-7-07]

Inexplicable.........

In February, the government of southwestern China's Fumin county decided to improve the feng shui (the harmony of the physical environment) for villagers next to mined-out Laoshou mountain, not by planting trees but by spray-painting the mountainside green. An employee at the county "forestry" department declined to comment to an Associated Press reporter. [Globe & Mail (Toronto)-AP, 2-14-07]

An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind.

gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind ?

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat."

"But madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!"

The woman looked down,then back up at the man and said,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Logic...........

Two Texans, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions,who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says.

"What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD...........................

Slide Down The Banister Of Life

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember .

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

13. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way