MessageBarbecue Season
After 6 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine:
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine .
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

Retirement
And they ask why I like retirement...??????
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses toretire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic orgarage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will wantto store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses thepeople he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relateto some of them!
AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward too....

MAYONNAISE
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.
In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.
The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise,and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.
Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as

Sinko de Mayo.

WHAT!!!! You expected something educational from me!

As we age, our priorities change .
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So, I tied her up and went fishing.

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss

would not
allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted

"CRAZY" then
he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down

from the
ceiling and made funny noises.
My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told

her that I
was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I

was
"CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the

Boss came
into the office and asked "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed

out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down

and walked
out of the office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me,

the Boss
said to her, "and where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this..... )

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

CATHOLIC DOG:
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
DONATION:
Father O'Malley answers the phone "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?""This is the IRS. Can you help us Father?""I can." "Do you know a Terry Smart?""I do.""Is he a member of your congregation?""He is.""Did he donate $10,000 to the church?""He will."
CONFESSION:
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"Man: "What sins?"Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish."Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"Man: "I'm telling everybody."
SENILITY:
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile.Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.""That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."
PEST CONTROL:
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on when her husband arrived home unexpectedly."Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet."Who are you?" he asked him."I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked."I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied."And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said . . .. "Those little bastards."

Retired
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

TREE HUGGER
A woman from the Pacific Northwest, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"He smiled and than told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environment Protection Agency, Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

Pick the MONTH that you were born in & put it on the SUBJECT LINE. Then FWD it to people you know, including the one who sent it. They just might understand you better...

JANUARY - Stubborn. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Never looks at people's flaws or weaknesses. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tense. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Loving and loyal. Loves children. Has great social abilities. Money cautious, can budget successfully
.______________________________________________
FEBRUARY - Abstract thoughts. Loves reality
and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy.. Temperamental.Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside.Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.
______________________________________________
MARCH - Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Na! turally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decor. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody
.______________________________________________
APRIL - Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. G! ood memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy lover.
______________________________________________
MAY - Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless Nothaving many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.
______________________________________________
JUNE - Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced
by kindness. Polite. Has lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind Hesitates, tends to put things off. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Makes friends easily. Shows character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Easily bored. Fussy and stubborn. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious.
______________________________________________
JULY - Fun to be with. Secretive. Sometimes, difficult to understand. Quiet unless excited or tense. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation for hard work. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly, but not always approachable. Emotionally temperamental. Moody and easily hurt. Witty. Not mean or revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and illogical things. Sensitive and forms friendships carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Broods about the past and misses old friends. Quiet, homey person.
Has difficulty making new friends. Prone to
having dieting problems. Loves to be loved.
Easily hurt but takes long to recover
.______________________________________________
AUGUST - Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to consoleothers. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked.Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led! . Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns
to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving
and caring. Loves to make friends.
______________________________________________
SEPTEMBER - Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Stubborn. Quiet. Uncomfortable if have to talk to a group. Calm. Sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Secretive.
Loves sports and leisure. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships.
______________________________________________
OCTOBER - Loves to chat. Lo! ves those who
loves them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Sexy. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making new friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Day dreamer. Loyal. Opinionated Does not care whatothers think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Honest, does not pretend. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.
______________________________________________
NOVEMBER - Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is
a will, there is a way. Determined Never giveup. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked.
Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking.High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions.
______________________________________________
DECEMBER - Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short-tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

Note: You can paste this to send as a e mail if you wish..........

"I Miss Bill Clinton"
It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious.From a show on Canadian TV - there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax. Number 2 - He smoked weed. Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one".
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do the Hanky Panky.

Satan goes to Church
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan."Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years".

WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER THAN WOMEN

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Motorcycle mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to ride to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood - all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat (unless you're talking to a woman). You know stuff about guns. A five-day vacation requires only one bag. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck (if that). You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier! What do you expect from such simple creatures?

NOTHING AGAINST THE LADIES, US GUYS COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT YOU!

When a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats quicker, his Throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think Irrationally.Ever wonder why?Because she smells like a new truck!

Al Gore and Bill & Hillary Clinton go to Heaven.
(NO, NO, this is just the FIRST part of the joke----keep reading.) God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me." God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right." Then God addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?" "I believe you're in my chair."

What a nice story about a little old lady




The new radio


This will warm your heart, especially if you have lost faith in

Human kindness. This letter was sent to the principal's office after an

elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old

lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was

writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all man kind.

Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!


Dear Faculty and Students,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior

citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an Assisted Home for

the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's

nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness

to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own

radio.

Before I received this one, she would never let me listen to hers,

even when she was napping. The other day, her radio fell off the night

stand and broke into a lot of little pieces. It was awful and she was in

tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said f--- you. Thank

you for that opportunity.


Sincerely,

Agnes

INVESTMENT TIPS...for 2006.... for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2006.
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! And finally:
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

Those Grand Old Burma Shave Road Signs:
TRAINS DON'T WANDER ALL OVER THE MAP 'CAUSE NOBODY SITS IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP Burma Shave SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH BY MISTAKE SHE THOUGHT IT WAS HER HUSBAND JAKE Burma Shave Remember these?
For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the1930's and '40's. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream. Here are more of the actual signs:
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING Burma Shave
BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING, NURSE Burma Shave
CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND MORE STEER Burma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HO! PIN' Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE Burma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING Burma Shave
CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE. Burma Shave
And my all time favorite: PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW Burma Shave

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. ***********************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out." ***********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
*******************! ****************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." ************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry! up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't f! orget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving." **************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

The Price of Children..........
This is just too good not to pass on to all - something absolutely positive for a change. I have repeatedly seen the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. It's nice. The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition. But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into: $8,896.66 a year,$741.38 a month, $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite.
What do you get for your $160,140? Naming rights. First, middle, and last! Glimpses of God every day. Giggles under the covers every night. More love than your heart can hold.Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs. Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies. A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate. A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites. Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the bosssaid or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to: finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You have an excuse to: keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watch Saturday morning cartoons, go to Disney movies, and wish on stars. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters forFather's Day. For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be ahero just for: retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off a bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless. You get a front row seat to history to witness the: first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel. You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren.You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits.
So . . one day they will like you, so love without counting the cost.That is quite a deal for the price!!!!!!!

A woman named Emily renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a .?"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a Mom.""We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation... 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the samesituation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar.""What is your occupation?" she probed.What made me say it, I do not know... The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was writtenin bold, black ink on the official questionnaire."Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out).I'm working for my Masters, (the whole darned family), and already have four credits, (all daughters). Of course, the jobis one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours aday, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom."
Motherhood.....What a glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.
Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great-grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think so!!!
I also think it makes Aunts, Associate Research Assistants".!
May the wind sing to you and the sun rise in your heart...