Strange but true.......

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President JohnWalter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who'slacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun,kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, where in the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small,so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until the police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money o I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "NO!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
8. THE GRAND FINALE! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located inthe high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new toboating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up, choking onwater he was laughing so hard....NOW REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE...... Under theboat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Marriage Jokes......

Why do black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Weather Jokes......

A listener called the disc jockey on the air at our radio station to ask about the upcoming lunar eclipse. "The eclipse can be seen at 1:30 in the morning," the DJ told her."That late?" the listener snapped. "I don't know why they don't schedule these things earlier, so kids can enjoy them too!"

The Mysterious Sound........
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst... Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Return to Sender......

I called a company in Nashville to order some country music CDs. After hanging up, I said to my wife, "The woman on the phone had such a heavy accent, I could barely understand her." Apparently the problem had been mutual. My CDs arrived in a package addressed to "Smoked Ham, Washington."

Life of the Party......

"You know when you're getting old?" my friend asked.
"I give up," I said.
"When you tell your best friend you're having an affair and they ask, 'Is it catered?' "