Best Rodney Dangerfield Jokes....

I tell you, I got no respect, even as a kid: we'd play hide-and-seek, and nobody would look for me.

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

It's great to have a gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

I get no respect at all. My dog keeps barking at the front door. He doesn't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says, "You're crazy. " I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, “Okay, you're ugly too!"

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No. I hate myself now."

I saw a naked jogger running out of my house. I asked, "Why are you running?" He said, "You came home!"

I went to the doctor, and he says, "I got good news; I got bad news. The good news is, they're going to name a disease after you!"

My wife likes to talk after sex. The other night she called me from her hotel room.