Funny Random One Line Jokes

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. - Steve Bluestone

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely is not for you.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

He who hesitates is probably right.
If you think your particular troubles are too heavy and too traumatic to laugh about, remember that laughing is like changing a baby's diaper. It doesn't solve any problems permanently, but it makes things more acceptable for a while. - Barbara Johnson

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.