Real Answering Machine Messages
================================

WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll
assimilate you later.


Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air. (or) Hello, you're caller number
nine!


This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name
and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word.
Today's word is "supercilious."


Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.
We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone,
please hang up.


I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help
me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.
Thanks.


Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line.
Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear?
... BEEP


(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world
without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You
see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering
device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".


Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on
your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your
touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch
tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it
is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big
time phone system.


Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?


This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast
System. This is only a test.


(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is
disconnected or no longer in service.


Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy
evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.


The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed.
The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.


You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once
this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice
for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no
charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional
extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.
Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you.


(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.


You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message
after the beep.


Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die
before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.


Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing
it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...
real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth
we'll get back to you.


A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
not here. So leave a message.


Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are
my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have
plenty of money.


(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable
maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms
windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his
valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a
message.


Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.


I'm sorry, the number you have reached is imaginary. Please rotate your
phone 90 degrees and dial again.